Two and a Half Men

* Men.

Ready, sweetheart?

Almost.

Okay.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Oh, dinner's sitting a little heavy.

Well, maybe I can help you work it off.

Yeah, about that--

honey, would you mind terribly if we just go to sleep?

I'm so full and bloated from that dinner,

it'd be like sticking a pin in a balloon.

Can we not call it a pin?

I'm sorry.

I just don't think I'd enjoy sex tonight.

Since when is that a requirement?

But seriously, it's fine.

It's no problem.

Thank you.

Ugh.

Well, actually, it is a little bit of problem.

What's that?

Well, uh, based on past history--

um, expensive dinner, drinks, valet parking--

um, I thought

we would probably be fooling around tonight.

Uh, and-and-and with that in mind,

uh, about 20 minutes ago, I popped a little blue pill

to ensure that, uh,

when you were ready, so was I.

Of course, uh, now I'm ready and you're not,

a situation they didn't really cover in those commercials.

Oh, Alan.

No, that's okay. It's okay.

It's just kind of a shame to waste them.

I mean, they-they are kind of pricey,

even if they're expired ones from Mexico.

If I give you $20, will you let me go to sleep?

Oh, don't be silly.

I don't want your money.

But there are...

other ways you could reimburse me

that wouldn't require a lot of effort on your part.

Should've taken the 20 bucks.

Oh, hey.

Oh, hey, Alan.

Want some whiskey?

I thought you didn't like to drink.

I don't.

I'm trying to learn.

I'm getting better.

Is this about your ex-wife?

No. Walden.

Maybe. Walden.

Yes.

All right, all right.

Listen to me.

Alcohol is just a bandage for your problems.

And I know this

because I used to live with the Mummy.

Uh... come on.

We, uh... we got to get your mind off of her.

Let's, uh... let's watch some TV.

Bridget and I used to watch TV.

That's the spirit.

Okay, let's see what's on.

Oh. (chuckles)

Cinnamon's Buns.

"A medieval wench falls for a bawdy baker.

Adult. 1992."

Ooh, a selection from the classic era

of soft-core cable porn.

Or what I like to call the winter bush years.

I haven't watched much porn since college.

Yeah, me, neither.

When I see it now, I just feel bad for the girls.

Yeah, yeah, somebody's daughter. Shh.

MAN (over TV): Are you ready to learn my craft?

Of course, Master Baker.

I am entirely in your hands.

This is not historically accurate.

Medieval bakers did not dress like Chef Boyardee.

Don't need the DVD commentary here.

Sorry.

Now, Cinnamon,

take my frosting bag.

It's so big.

I can barely get my hand around it.

Use both hands, m'lady.

It's well written.

Like this?

Now, squeeze,

and anoint thy muffins with my frosting.

Boy, she looks familiar.

Yeah, she does.

If I wasn't here, would you be masturbating?

You kidding? I'd be done and fixing a sandwich.

Master Baker, whatever are you doing?

I'm going to put my loaf in your oven.

That's clever.

I don't know.

She looks like a younger version of your girlfriend.

Lyndsey? Uh-huh.

Oh, nah.

Oh, oh, you're so masterful!

Kind of sounds like her, too.

Maybe.

Although I can't say I've ever heard Lyndsey

use that particular phrase.

Don't stop! I can't get enough!

Or that one.

Maybe if I heard her say, "Damn it, get off my hair."

I don't know, Alan.

I think that's your girlfriend.

No, no.

Yes! Yes!

No. No.

Yes! Yes!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Boy, she's not very convincing.

It is Lyndsey.

Okay, I'm going to go upstairs and masturbate.

Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

You're... you're going to go

pleasure yourself while you're thinking about my girlfriend?

No, that'd be creepy.

I'm going to go pleasure myself

while I'm thinking about my wife.

Wait. Your... your wife? Seriously?

Yeah, what can I say? I love Bridget,

and I think she's the sexiest woman in the whole world.

Uh, you never fantasize about anybody else?

Mmm, sometimes I imagine she's twins.

Boo-ya!

I never even thought of my wife

when I was actually having sex with my wife.

LYNDSEY (over TV): Oh, Master Baker!

Boy, she never let me do that to her.

Until now.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men.

How's your day looking? Busy?

Yeah. Busy.

Look, I'm sorry about last night.

It's okay. I did offer this morning.

Can't expect me to turn on like a light switch

whenever the whim strikes you.

I'm not just a piece of meat, you know.

You're kidding, right?

In the entire time I've known you,

you've never once passed up an opportunity for sex.

So as not to hurt your feelings, sometimes my mouth says, "Yes,"

when my soul is screaming, "No."

Oh, please!

I can't even bend over to take off my shoes

without you trying to mount me.

Hey, hey, that was an accident.

I was trying to walk and text.

You were texting, "Here comes Mr. Pokey."

Morning.

Morning. Morning.

We'll talk later.

About Mr. Pokey?

I was speaking to Lyndsey.

Sounds like a short conversation.

I should have my own talk show.

Okay.

I've got to get to work.

I'll call you later?

If you want.

Bye, Berta.

You're an attractive woman.

You don't have to settle.

I mean, bye!

So, trouble in paradise?

Why on Earth do you think

I would share my problems with you?

Oh, come on.

I may tease you now and then, but that doesn't mean

that I don't care about you as a human being.

All right.

What do you do when you're in

a relationship with someone and, you know,

like all relationships, it...

it has its ups and downs, but...

generally, things are going pretty good

until one day you discover

that they are not at all who you thought they were?

And you don't know whether to confront them about it or...

or pretend you don't know,

because the idea of being alone is worse

than being with someone who's deceived you.

Berta?

Hello?