A.P. Bio

* *

- You picked the wrong day too, huh?

The faculty retreat doesn't start till tomorrow.

It went in your mouth?

- In--in--right straight in. Oh...

Mm.

That is good. - Oh.

Wow. - What do you say?

One more?

Yeah, I...

Jack.

This thing between us, I...

I can't deny it anymore.

I, uh...

I don't know what you mean.

I must have you.

["My Heart Will Go On" playing]

- The Upper Peninsula winds whipped against the windows

and the fire roared as the two men wondered,

"Would this be the night their forbidden passions

became reality?"

Durbin inhaled Jack's hot Twizzler breath

moaning quietly as he inched closer

to his supple lips.

Durbin wouldn't do that.

His quiet reluctance is part of his character.

And the Twizzler takes us out of it.

I'm experimenting.

What are you guys doing?

- Nothing. - We're shipping Mr. Griffin...

- Nothing. - And Principal Durbin.

- So you write romance novel stories about them,

'cause that'd be funny?

- It's about pairing people in power.

It's essentially fan fiction,

but we write them about the teachers.

Can I play?

You can't just play.

There's a lot of world-building involved.

Listen.

Blackjack Griffin couldn't remember

the last time he'd had a bath,

couldn't remember what it felt like

to have a naked body pressed against his.

That was all about to change.

Or so he thought.

Whiskey.

- There's only one rule in the Old West,

talk straight, shoot straight, and walk crooked.

Thought you were dead.

How many times I gotta kill you?

Principal Durbin said.

- Well, it doesn't seem like he'd go by that there.

I don't know his first name.

- I'm sorry I shot you, J-Jerry.

I felt bad for that prostitute.

I get it.

I was actin' funny, 'cause my horse thievin' wife

had gone and got herself hanged,

and I didn't have no one to...touch.

- I reckon everyone needs the warmth

of someone else's body sometimes,

or else...

Or else they die.

Oh, Blackjack, don't.

Oh.

Now you're shy?

- Durbin found himself taking refuge in his embrace,

hiding in its comfort.

Okay, I get it.

Let me try.

Mr. Griffin knew exactly what he was doing

when he pulled the brown cardigan

out of the drawer.

He was the kind of man who hid what was broken in himself

under three days of stubble and a wrinkled shirt,

like these things would make his pain into a joke,

make him into someone who didn't feel pain at all.

But Principal Durbin wore his pain on the outside

in a starched collar

and a belt that matched his shoes,

the kind of pain that begs to be looked at, caressed.

They were the same in a way, men like that.

They reach a point where there's nothing left

to talk about.

All you have is a heart beating so loud and so fast

you wonder if everyone can hear it.

And you wonder if just maybe

what's broken in him might make a home

for what's broken in you,

wonder if the man across from you

is thinking about pulling you down

on the sturdy wooden desk between you.

* *

She's good.

- All right, everybody, shush it.

I got tricked last night.

Yeah, I want everybody to line up

and take a bite of this,

and tell me if you think they were correct

in calling this mild, because I think it's too hot.

It's too hot.

- Faculty and students, I have just been informed

by the Toledo weather federation

we are officially in a tornado watch.

- It's coming. It's coming. It's coming!

I need all teachers

to take their students to the gym,

auditorium, or a hallway with no windows.

We are officially on lockdown.

- It's definitely too spicy, Mr. Griffin.

[Ramones' "Listen to My Heart"]

One, two, three, four!

- * Next time, I'll listen to my heart *

* Next time, well, I'll be smart *

* *

Again, this is not a test.

Please proceed calmly to a safe area.

- There's no saving them, Ralph.

This is the son of a bitch that took my Pop-Pops.

- Did a tornado really kill your grandfather?

My grandfathers.

It killed both of 'em.

They went out to distract it

so me and my Mee-Maws could get in the root cellar.

And it scooped 'em up and slammed 'em together

like a pair of dirty flip-flops.

And then I turned back to look.

They popped like two water balloons

full of Spaghetti-Os.

They popped my Pop-Pops.

And now it's coming back to get me

to finish the job.

- Helen... - Mm.

- When this passes, would you be okay with, um,

taking a couple of days off?

That's so sweet.

I don't need that.

Why--why'd you think that?

* *

- Hey, there you are. Are you good?

Me, yeah, I'm good.

Yeah, no, I'm fine. Yeah, of course. Um, you?

- Didn't you say it was a tornado watch that made you

wet your pants?

- Oh. -

Joyce, are you okay?

- I'm fine. All the excitement just made me dizzy.

I probably just need a piece of cheese.

Does anyone have any cheese in their pocket?

You want Swiss or Havarti?

- Well, if it makes you feel better,

Jack here once peed his pants during a tornado watch.

- What? No, I didn't. - Yeah, you did.

- No, I didn't. It's not--not true.

And if you were making a joke, it wasn't a good one.

Clunk.

* *

- Where is the bunker? - I'm just, like,

how is this structure not built to protect us?

- That's what I'm saying. - Hi!

We need to bust outta here now.

- Hell, no. I'm not going outside.

There's probably cows flying around.

- Yeah, I'm not trying to get hit upside the head

by no barn or something knocking my baby

straight outta me before I even get

to paint the nursery, girl. - Okay.

Listen to me.

Keith is sound-mixing today.

He works in a glass gazebo

in our backyard with a blindfold

and noise-cancelling headphones.

And the song he's working on is mostly wind and sirens.

I need to sneak out of here and save my husband,

and I need your help.

Oh, I'm sure he's dead.

And you need to let him go.

But I'll help you get out.

- At least to identify the body.

Okay.

"Mr. Griffin continued.

"'Alice Ball developed a drug to treat leprosy from what?'

"Sarika's hand was first to raise.

"'The oil of the chaulmoogra tree.'

She was correct again."

- Learning biology is not a fantasy.

- For me it is. - I'm sorry.

We're just not inviting new members right now.

Oh, got it.

Oh, me.

Fine, Sarika, you're in.

- Yes. - Dan, wait.

Let's hear it.

Okay.

All right, gang,

the tornado watch has been upgraded

to a tornado warning.

But do not worry.

There's nothing to fear.