Raising Hope

Hey. They got a new kind of grape.

Says it tastes just like cotton candy.

Mmm!

That would make a fantastic wine.

Kids would love it.

Hey, Virginia.

I don't want to ruin your day,

but your dad's back in town.

What? Ugh! That sucks.

And I was so excited about the grape thing.

Life's a roller coaster.

Recently, Mom found out that her dad took off

when she was little, because he was a gay man

living in a small-minded town.

She also learned he had secretly watched her grow up.

Daddy!

But after reuniting, she found out something else about him:

he's a jerk.

Forgive me for trying to raise you to a higher level.

I think you should leave.

Good-bye forever.

And since that day,

my mom's wanted nothing to do with him.

He's been in here all morning doing dramatic readings

of the Father's Day cards.

"Have an udder-ly fabulous Father's Day."

And then, see,

it has a picture of the aforementioned cow.

Can you see that?

And then, look what he's doing.

He's playing... he's playing ball with a smaller cow.

Touching, right?

Well, he should read the sympathy cards

because our relationship is dead.

Maybe we should talk to him.

We know what it's like to have an ungrateful child.

And an uncoordinated child.

And an underachieving child. But we stuck around.

Hey, Mom. I'm right here.

And a child with an annoying voice.

Attention, howdy's shoppers,

I have two announcements.

One, I have a lost daddy up here

looking for his family.

And, two, I need a price check on how to forgive your father.

Forget it! I already forgave him once

and he burned all of us. We don't need him.

Love your dad.

Love your dad.

Love your dad.

Love your dad.

Love your dad. Love your dad.

Love your dad.

All right, fine!

I'll talk to him.

Yes!

Got your price check, Barney.

How to Forgive Your Father by Deborah Hitler.

It's on sale for $7.99.

Whoo!

Ethnomusicologists sure know how to apologize.

I'm sorry. It's this way.

This is called the Toltec Apology Dance.

What I'm trying to do in these moves, you see,

this is change.

I'm changing.

And this is love.

I'm in love.

Right. With yourself.

'Cause you're a "narpolist..."

narcolippt...

nars...

Narcissist, Jimmy.

I hate it when people try to use words they can't pronounce.

I've met someone.

I've met someone even more special than myself.

His name is Oliver and we're gonna get married and I want...

I want you very much, all of you,

to attend, especially since I told him I'm gonna have a big

hometown wedding and that you... you are actually planning it.

What?

Well, I... I don't know

how to plan a wedding.

I never thought I'd need to.

The Supreme Court really screwed me.

Sorry, but there is nothing in this world

that could get me to do that.

How 'bout if I were to pay for Hope's college education?

Nice try.

Still no.

Would you excuse us for a moment?

Come on, Mom.

This could change Hope's future.

They make a good point, Virginia.

Let's go tell Arnold we're in.

No way. He's just trying to manipulate us

into getting something he wants.

You can't argue with that, Jimmy.

Your mom knows her absent father as well as any of us.

We're not doing this. Case closed.

Hope needs to go to college. Look, she needs

to expand her horizons and start thinking for herself

and not just become somebody who agrees

with the last thing she heard.

Sabrina's right.

Hope should learn to think for herself,

not just become someone who agrees

with the last thing she heard.

Arnold...

get the hell off my lawn!

Maw Maw, put the gun down.

Don't worry, Arnold.

We had the firing pin removed after

the piñata incident at Hope's birthday party.

Got my eyes on you, mister.

Everything is

milky and blurred,

but I can make out shapes,

and yours is shifty.

I agree. And as much as I'd like to believe that he'll pay

for Hope's college, I kind of wish we'd let Maw Maw shoot him.

You know, I'm serious about this,

and I'll put it in writing.

You know a good lawyer?

We know a lawyer.

And that's how I got the nickname

Wally "Chocolate Thunder" Phipps.

Well, thanks again for coming straight

from your basketball game to write up this contract, Wally.

Luckily for you,

I always keep a boilerplate

marine vessel purchase contract in my gym bag.

So, we plan a great wedding for him

- and he pays for Hope's college. - Yep.

You'll see in paragraph 12,

right after the section on international waters,

the provision clearly states...

Damn!

I gotta get the prescription

on these rec specs checked.

"All parties agree that if said wedding should prove seaworthy

and payment is not made, party A

will surrender his deed to his fabulous

Sedona condominium to party B

to cover college expenses and docking fees."

Ironclad.

This is amazing.

Hope's gonna be the first Chance to go to college.

Yeah. And she'll have the money to afford a good one, too.

Nothing with the words "Tech," "State"

or "Arizona" in the name.

All right. We got to get going. We have a wedding in three days.

- Three days? - What? We can't plan this in three days.

Well, you're gonna have to.

Oliver's gonna be here in three days.

Wait, where does it say that?

What did you think it meant when you agreed that

"transaction must be completed in less than 96 bells"?

You people either need to brush up on your maritime law

or find a real lawyer.

Ugh. Where the hell is it?

This is terrible. Hope's never gonna go to college.

We don't know anything about planning a wedding.

Oh, I can pull off a wedding.

I've been planning this since I was a little girl.

You've been planning your estranged gay father's

backyard wedding since you were a little girl?

No. I've been planning a wedding fit for a princess,

which is close enough.

Wow. Wedding Extravaganza Dream Book.

We got three days, Arnold's credit card

and a dream wedding planned by an eight-year-old.

What could possibly go wrong?

I've come here because I've heard

you are a professional stalker.

I said I'm a professional stocker.

As in, I stock shelves.

Also,

I do spy on people so... continue.

Arnold, Virginia's dad, is up to no good,

and it's up to us to expose him before it's too late.

I'm in, Barbara June,

mostly 'cause I want an answer

to the "will they or won't they" that is our relationship.

With only three days until Oliver arrived,

the Wedding Extravaganza Dream Book that Mom made

as a little girl was going to be Hope's ticket to college.

You guys.

You just find a dead possum in here, you don't pick it up?

Come on!

Oh, God. Not dead. Not dead!

That's fantastic. You have amazing taste.

Really?

I was worried you'd think it was tacky.

How you gonna get Kenny Loggins?

Oh, we won't. But luckily Natesville has

the most Kenny Loggins impersonators per capita

of any other 27-square-mile

unincorporated township in America.

We've been slacking off for four years,