How to Live With Your Parents (For the Rest of Your Life)

The Academy Awards

is my family's favorite holiday.

Aw...

Let me clarify.

My family thinks the Academy Awards

is an actual holiday.

And like any holiday that includes family,

it can be fraught with peril.

Just so you know, I'm gonna invite

my friends from work to the party.

Well, you're still going to socialize?

'Cause there's gonna be a smorgasbord

of single men here.

Gary just got his new kidney, so he's good to go.

Ted's wife finally died, so he's back on the market.

It's the Academy Awards.

Anything can happen.

Guys, guys... and I mean this in the very best possible way...

all of your friends look like various stages of Kenny Rogers.

What's wrong with Kenny Rogers?

- I think he looks fantastic. - Yeah.

I'll come to your parents' party,

but I checked out of awards season

when they snubbed "Iron Man."

These superheroes come here to save us,

we don't even acknowledge them.

It's unacceptable.

Holy crap.

Scott Marcos just walked in.

Oh, my God. Hot Scott Marcos?

And he's in doctor clothes. Now he's doctor Hot Scott?

Who is Hot Scott?

He was the guy in our dorm who was totally gorgeous,

played water polo,

and like every other guy in college,

found me intense and off-putting.

Oh, guys from next door. Yeah. How's it going?

Terrible. Do you have any idea how many species

are becoming extinct in the ocean

while you sit in your room listening to sugar ray,

with your shirt off, looking amazing?

Oh, my God, he's coming over here.

What's the big deal?

Everyone in college thought I was gonna be amazing

and change the world.

And now I work in a market and change the toilet paper.

When you remember.

I'm a divorced single mom

who lives with her parents, and he is a doctor.

Hmm.

Um, could I get a gruyère

and a 1997 California Cabernet?

Why is it okay for me to work here?

- Shh! - Polly?

Oh... Scott Marcos?!

What... no way!

- Yeah. - Oh, you're hugging me. Okay. Oh.

How are you, besides very... fit?

I'm... I'm good. I'm really good. How are you?

Good. Good. Super good. Really super good.

Um, I was just loading up on some wine and cheese, yep. Yep.

And, um, wine.

'Cause I got a big Oscar party tomorrow night.

- Lot of fun folks. - Cool.

Yeah, I said "folks."

Uh, wait a minute. Uh, Gregg, right?

That's right. Hi, Scott Marcos.

You know, Gregg, I think, uh,

I think somebody told me that you killed yourself.

That was heroin Gregg.

I was Zima Gregg.

Okay.

And I was, um...

Just Polly. Po... just Polly. Just Polly.

Okay, here it is...

the mock-up of the San Diego club.

Oh... isn't she a beaut? Look at this.

She a beauty? And look, see on the stage?

Mini Jerry Seinfeld.

Oh, Harry should look at this.

My stepfather has had a chip on his shoulder

about my mom's brother ever since they met.

Max, what do you do for a living?

- I'm an actor. - Oh, sure. What's the soup of the day?

Listen, I don't want my sister and my niece

living in this death trap forever.

Look, that shooting last week was an isolated incident.

What was that?

That was a gun.

Why... why would I show Harry this?

Because he's an architect.

He designed a chicken restaurant.

I mean, big deal. Come on.

Are you telling me there's no connection

between a comedy club and a chicken restaurant?

Pr... pretty much. Club sells hot wings.

Take away the comics,

your club is a chicken restaurant.

It... it is unbelievable how you always take his side.

I am not taking sides.

I don't even believe in sides.

Without sides, everything falls apart.

- Really? - Everything's flat, yes.

- Like what? - A boat becomes...

- A... a raft. - Uh-huh?

A pyramid becomes sand.

A bowl of soup becomes a stain.

Civilized people need sides, Elaine.

Civilized people need Xanax, Max.

So you're in medicine. Fancy.

Or are you an extra on "Grey's Anatomy"?

Uh, yeah. I'm... I'm... I'm in medicine,

and, uh, it's largely because of you.

- Me? - Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, you were so obsessed with saving the planet,

that it had this big effect on me.

Oh, my God. This is so crazy.

- We gotta hang out. - We do. Got to.

And just catch up on all... we are all going

to Polly's house for the Academy Awards.

Because she's kind,

and... she shops here so much,

and she invited me. So you should come.

Here's the address.

Oh, okay. Um, thank you.

Um, yeah. And I guess I will see you there.

- Great. - Okay.

Oh, Gregg, uh, glad you're not dead.

Me, too.

- Bye. - Bye.

What are you doing?

You're welcome. Now you can hit that.

No. In order for me to "hit that,"

he has to want to "hit" this, which he doesn't.

He totally does.

Okay, freeze it.

See?

Unnecessary arm touch.

Now notice how he's not taking his eyes off your mouth.

What does it mean when they look at your mouth?

It means they wanna put things in your mouth.

Like feed you?

Oh, that's dirty.

O.M.G. I didn't even see that.

He did a butt check. Even I know what that means.

Oh, my God, this is horrific.

I think you're using that word wrong.

I finally have a shot with hot Scott,

but the person he wants does not exist,

because I did not become the person

I told everyone I was gonna be.

Hey, at least people know you're alive.

I wonder where I'm buried.

Okay, so Natalie's in bed,

and I have interesting information.

There's a boy who likes me

who's coming to the party tomorrow.

That's terrific!

There's a boy that likes her coming to the party.

I know, I know. It's very exciting.

If I had your abandon and lack of awareness

that I just told you there's a child sleeping nearby,

I would be screaming, too.

Okay, but it's exciting.

Oh, who is he? Who is he? What's his name?

No, no, how tall is he?

Ooh! What famous person does he look like?

Guy I went to school with. 6 feet.

Maybe a young George Clooney. Scott.

Actually, uh, we call him Hot Scott."

- Hot Scott, then. - Scott.

Fantastic.

You know, a guy like that does not stay on the market for long.

So you gotta plan.

Funny you should mention that.

You see, Scott always saw me as someone

who was gonna go on to do great things.

And since, inconveniently, I did not,

the object here is to control the rollout of information,

so I can get Scott on the hook

before he sees what my life has become,

which I think we can all agree is a mess.

Yeah. It is not a mess.

No, she's right. It is a mess.

So I'm gonna move Natalie's sleepover with Julian

to tomorrow night,

you will say the words, "Polly has a lot

of important environmental projects in the works,"

and we will tell him this is my house,

and you are guests, and he won't know I live here

until after we're married,

at which point, won't really matter,

because I'll be living in a doctor castle.

Whoo! Deep breath. Thought I was gonna pass out.

So can I count on you two?

Yes. Absolutely. We are on your side.

Well, I am. Your mother doesn't believe in sides, apparently.

- I don't believe in sides. - No.

I mean, I'm on everyone's side.

Okay, see that's not possible,