Man Seeking Woman

- Hey, Mike, I heard from Rosa you guys broke up,

and I know we haven't hung out in a bit.

Just wanted you to know I... I got your back, bud.

- Oh, yeah, thanks, man, appreciate it.

- Yeah, hey, you know, I know it's cheesy,

but I brought you Josh's patented cheer-up kit.

- Mm-hmm, sweet, could you, uh,

bring it down and throw it in the hot air balloon?

Hot air balloon?

- Mike! - Mike!

Thank you all so much for coming!

Now that I am single, I have decided to embark

on a journey most bold:

To have sex with every woman in the world!

Mike!

Do you really think you can romance

the legendary mountain women of Burma?

- I shall be "mountain" all the women of Burma.

Huzzah!

- Is it true you plan to visit the queen in Buckingham Palace?

- I'll be bucking her ham palace.

- Huzzah! - The man's a hero!

What a swell guy.

Mike, I got... I got a question.

Aren't you at all upset about Rosa?

I mean, it seemed like you were pretty into her.

Look, Josh, Rosa's cool,

but man just isn't wired for monogamy.

I mean, do you think cavemen were in long-term,

committed relationships? Of course not!

They were in sex balloons!

I... I don't think that's right.

- Oh, sure it is. Read Dan Savage.

Farewell, gents!

Thank you, Yang.

Soft hands, Yang.

You've been using my lotion, I see.

Jesus Christ.

- Should have asked Mike about the ladies

of Lake Titicaca.

He would have had a good one for that.

Probably.

- So much for Columbia Journalism School.

200K down the shitter!

Okay, see you.

Ah!

- Hey, Josh. - Hey.

- Don't mind me, just filling the old water bottle.

- I don't mind that because I'm very pro-hydration.

Okay!

Hi!

You want to go hit that donut truck again?

I can't, really, right now I...

I got monthly expense reports.

- All right, well, would have been fun to hang.

- Yeah, well, uh, sorry to keep you hanging.

- - 'Cause...

Oh, my gosh.

- Well, Mike and, uh, Rosa both seem over the breakup.

- Really? Already?

- Yeah, no, he's already off chasing girls, as per.

Yep.

And, uh, yeah,

she seems pretty good whenever we hang out.

- Wait, you're hanging out with her?

- Yeah, well, I just mean, like, we work together,

so she, like, asks me to have lunch

or texts me a funny YouTube link or something.

- You don't think she's, like, putting out signals, do you?

- Definitely not, no. - Yeah, no.

She wouldn't be doing that. - No.

- No way. - No.

- Why would she? She's a pal.

- That's it. - That's it.

Just a colleague.

Jesus! - Hey, watch where you're going.

- Jesus... what... - Asshole!

The hell?

Ah!

- Wearing a wire? - No.

- I can't be too safe. I got a lot of enemies.

- You got enemies, who? Who are you?

- They call me "Spider." You know what a spider spins?

Truth!

What... what truth is that?

Rosa is into you, man!

Ha-ha-ha!

- No, okay, that's a very creative theory.

It's fun to think about. I've done it myself.

It has been conclusively debunked.

All right, I tried to kiss her, and she turned me down.

And then she dated my best friend, like,

I... I don't have a chance with her!

- And the CIA had nothing to do with Dallas, ha-ha!

- All right, I... I'm going home. - Wait!

You don't want to miss the big show-and-tell!

- Huh? - Curtains, please, Dreyfus.

Dreyfus?

The mouse did that?

- 8:48 a.m. today: She's touching your arm.

11:11 a.m.: Another touch, same arm.

12-oh-12 p.m.: Different arm, double touch.

Are you beginning to see the pattern?

- Rosa touches my arm when she laughs at my jokes.

- Let's talk about those jokes, Joshua.

Let's venture down that rabbit hole, hmm, hmm?

- Yeah, well, uh, sorry to keep you hanging.

- Aha. Where's the joke, Joshua?

- Oh, uh, I was doing a little twist on the word "hang."

- I heard the twist, but a twist doesn't make a good joke, hmm!

If you can tell me one thing

that you said to her that is even remotely funny,

I will walk away from all of this.

I will buy a suit. I will join the rat race.

I will sign up for the country-club dance, ha-ha!

- All right, I think we're done here, bud.

- Wait! Solve this riddle, Joshua.

If she's not into you, why does she walk past

your desk every day?

- To get more water from the water cooler!

- Get more water from the water cooler... well, then,

check the water cooler, man.

Check the water cooler!

Oh, my God.

Hey, uh, Vincent, how long has this water cooler been empty?

That's been broken for months.

- Hi, Josh. - Oh, God!

Hey. - Hi.

So I'm gonna go, uh...

Work at my desk.

- So she wasn't filling up her water bottle;

That was just an excuse for her to walk past my desk

and talk to me.

Rosa's into me!

- Hallelujah, the blind man has learned to see!

Now we're gonna blow the lid wide open.

We're gonna take this all the way to the Internet.

We're gonna sing it to the Washington Post,

the AP, the CNN...

Oh!

Spider.

Spider?

Are you okay?

No!

Hey, Rosa.

Hey, Josh.

- Do you maybe want to grab a drink with me tomorrow?

I'd love to.

Cool.

Sounds good to me.

All right, see you tomorrow, Rosa, bye-bye.

Mike?

How's the trip going? - Ah, cut it short.

I'm actually heading back home right now.

Uh, why?

- Honestly, I just can't stop thinking about Rosa.

We flew through the Andes this morning,

and all I could do was stare at her Instagram.

And I know I was putting on some front like I didn't care,

but I totally care, man.

- Oh, so, so you... You still like her?

- I don't like her, dude, I love her.

- -

Get rid of it. We got... we got to move.

Yeah, no, I'm, like, crazy about her... like, obsessed, heh.

Anyway, keep an eye on her for me, buddy.

- Well, uh... - Love you, okay.

Why'd you dump that out?

- So let me pose a interesting hypothetical situation.

Let's say there's a guy, normal guy who likes a girl...

You can't go out with Rosa.

- She's into me. - Nope.

- She's been flirting with me like crazy and, like,

we're going out for drinks, so.

- Josh, this would destroy your relationship with Mike.

It is a tricky one.

It's not a tricky one!

This is... you should not do this. It's a horrible idea.

- Lot of... lot of moving parts to consider.

- You're really... you're not gonna listen to me, are you?

At least listen to the infallible prophet, Tiresias.

- Josh, you must abandon this quest!