Big Mouth

What a day.

Oh, a sand dollar.

Whoa! What the hell?!

What? Where the fuck did that wave come from?

Ah! My phone is in my pocket.

What? Why am I so soaked?

Did I wet the bed?

Mm, who cares? It's warm and womb-y.

-Oh, shit! -Let's just go back to sleep.

It's blood!

Did you get killed in your sleep, dummy?

Actually, yes.

You know if you die in a dream, you die in real life, Jessi.

That is not true.

That's what I read.

I think... I think I just got the hugest period ever!

Hey, Jessi. Hello and good morning!

What a day to be alive!

Oh, Jesus. What am I gonna do?

What are you gonna do?

-Rick, get the fuck outta here! -But I wanna see what she gonna do.

Jessi? Holy shit, did you kill someone?

No, I just had a huge fat period.

That seems like a lot of blood.

It's way more than normal. And it's also, like, chunky.

Oh, God.

Wow, I'm sorry. That's very visceral.

Yeah, it fucking is.

Visceral? What's visceral mean?

Rick. I told you, get the fuck outta here.

Is it too much period?

No, it's fine, it's totally normal. It's my favorite time of the month. Whoo!

Hey, I found another duck egg!

-Aww, man. -I actually found two.

And they're in a nest. A hairy nest.

Hey, hey, hey!

No rat-tailing each other's filthy wankers, you filthy wankers.

The boys' shower rules.

It's so interactive.

Get in there! Check out Seth's duck eggs.

I don't think Seth wants me to look at his balls anymore.

Oh, Nick, that is the saddest thing I ever heard.

Let's face it, those nuts belong to Andrew now.

Ew, Milk, your dick is so weird!

I can see the veins in your balls.

During the Renaissance,

scrota such as mine were considered a delicacy.

No one wants to eat your weird dick, Milk.

I don't even think his dick's that weird.

The only thing that's worse than weird

-is small. -What?

When they see your little rat nose, they'll rip you apart.

Aww, shit, you got an anxito now?

They'll call you Little Dick Nickson.

"I am not a clit."

Or Can't Jack Dickolson.

"Wait till they get a chode of me."

Okay, that's enough! I get it.

Connie, I gotta get outta here. I don't want everyone looking at my dick.

Don't listen to her, baby. You gotta shower.

You got that sleep stank on ya.

I'm just trying to save him from complete humiliation.

Think about it. They see your dick, they make fun of you,

you have no friends, you become the Unabomber,

and you write manifestos like a small-dicked maniac.

Oh, shit, that all tracks.

Skipping one shower's not gonna kill me, right?

Hey, Milk, Milk, lemonade...

- Ew! - ...around the corner, fudge is made!

I reached my limit with the boys' shower.

Missy, what's wrong?

You don't seem excited to present your boarding pass.

-I'm fine. -She's in anguish

because of all the fucking boys in her year.

Bunch of pricks.

Hey, Firefly, I know we're flying Delta, but you seem a little JetBlue.

Dad.

Did you just think of that, or is that a famous joke?

Let's just get through this queue

so I can pop four Klonopin and wake up in Ibiza.

Oh, we're going to Atlanta to visit my dad's family,

so please don't be on drugs.

Sir, you need to take off your jacket.

This? This is a one-piece shirt-vest.

I'm not wearing anything underneath.

Oh, no, I accidentally left my X-Acto knives in here.

-No problem, ma'am. -I love to travel-craft.

-Happy carving. -Thank you.

Oh, why is Dad always getting stopped at the airport?

I think his electric personality must set off all the machines.

-I guess so. -That's bullshit!

She's hiding something from you.

Oh, my mom would never hide anything from me.

She's my best friend.

Right, right, right, well, there goes your other best friend.

So who gets to drink all the half-finished Dasanis at the end of the day?

Excuse me, sir. You need to be in a bin.

Finally, I can poop in private.

Step onto your throne, my king.

Is that a makeshift Squatty Potty?

Yes, Your Anus. And here is your tome.

"Four Hundred and Fifty Yiddish Animal Jokes."

-Written by Carl Reiner's sister? -That's right.

Yes, please!

And now, I shall push with my neck muscles.

-Oh, no. -Someone's in here!

Blast it quick. Blast it hard!

Oh, no, Maury, it went back up.

-What do you mean "back up"? -"Up." "In."

I was nervous, and it got sucked right back into my guts.

It went back up. Remarkable.

Oh, it's you.

-It's you. -How are you?

We hope very shitty, you backstabbing little Missy kisser.

Hide your pain.

Don't give that friend-stealing Nazi sympathizer the satisfaction.

I'm, uh... I'm great. I just took, like, five showers, so...

-Well, I just shit to completion. -Awesome.

Filled the bowl, then flushed it. A little paper. Nothing to it.

Feels good to use facilities as intended.

It certainly does.

It most certainly does.

Hope you get athlete's foot in your fat ass.

Yes, this is good.

Hold your feelings in, like your shit.

You're becoming a real man.

I'm very proud of you, but I won't tell you that.

What are you gonna do with that?

I'm gonna wait until the middle of night,

and then I'll put it at the very bottom of a trash can.

Wow. I was expecting something funny, but, man, that's just sad.

Get changed for waterfront, girls.

-Let's go! Bathing suits. -Um...

I don't have to do swimming.

Didn't you read the detailed email from my mom, you bald fuck?

The one that started "Dear Bald Fuck"?

Yes, I did.

You and your mom are both very mean.

That said, you don't have to go swimming.

Glaser, put on your bathing suit.

Sorry.

If I have to swim, I'm gonna get eaten by a shark.

You are basically chum at this point.

Fuck, what am I gonna do?

What is she gonna do, baby?

Rick, get the hell out of here!

What about if we get a tampon up in there?

No! No way. I am not ready to stick something up there.

-What if it gets lost and never comes out? -Like Daniel Dave Lewis in an acting role!

Or what if it, like, breaks my hymen?

There will be blood! Shout-out to my main man, Daniel Dave.

Nope, I'm not doing a tampon.

I can't. It's too scary.

Yoo-hoo! I have an idea.

You could just free-vag it,

like that lady who ran the marathon and let the blood run down her legs.

She was fun!

- That sounds so bleak. - Oh!

Clot. Excuse me.

Um, I can figure this out.

I can swim with pads. I'll just stack 'em.

You do you, girl.

And then just, like, tie 'em together with floss. It's no big deal.

Maybe the floss will get all the blood chunks out

of your pussy's teeth.

You know what? I'll take it from here, thanks.

T to the H!

-T to the what? -T-H in your face!

You know how it is.

I do know how it is.

Oink. Oink, oink.

Wait, Nick, Nick, Nick! Um, I just have a question for you.

-Are you a TH? -Um...

-Take your time, think about it. -They've got inside jokes!

Uh, what does "TH" stand for?

-"Terrible hemorrhoid"? -Or maybe "teen hunk"?

Say something perfect!

Um, I think I am a TH?

He thinks he is.

"I think I'm a T--"

If you're not sure, then you're definitely not a TH.

Isn't that right, TH?

-No way! -Oink.

Oink, oink, oink!

Oh, no! You missed everything when you didn't take a shower.

I told you you'd have no friends.

You're gonna be alone forever.

And when you die, no one will care.

No one? Not even my parents?

I'm glad he's gone. I never loved him.

I faked all our hugs.

But they felt so real.

T to the H!

Yeah, TH for life! Oink, oink.

TH makes me think of a top hat,

which is what I'm gonna wear on the first day of school.

Shut up, Milk.

And on the second day of school, I'm gonna wear a cape.

And then we landed at the airport.

And then we rented a car.