Parks and Recreation

.

- SO WHAT DO WE GOT SO FAR? WE NEED BIG-TICKET ITEMS.

- I GOT THE RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS

TO SEND US A SIGNED GUITAR.

- THAT'S GREAT, APRIL. HOW'D YOU DO THAT?

- IT'S A LONG STORY, BUT THE SHORT VERSION IS,

I'M CURRENTLY CATFISHING ANTHONY KIEDIS.

- WE'RE THROWING A CHARITY AUCTION TO RAISE MONEY

FOR THE UNITY CONCERT,

AND WE'RE GONNA NEED IT TOO,

IF I'M GONNA PERFORM ISLANDS IN THE STREAM

WITH A SACAGAWEA HOLOGRAM.

PLUS, WE NEED LIGHTS, GENERATORS,

MICROPHONES, WATER, THAT BORING STUFF TOO.

- WHY DON'T WE PUT A PIN IN THIS?

'CAUSE WE HAVE TO DO THAT THING.

- OH, YEAH. OH, YEAH, OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, YEP. - JUST, LIKE--

- EVERYBODY, KEEP WORKING. WE'LL BE BACK.

- ANDY, HEY, YOU HAVEN'T TOLD ANYONE ABOUT THE BABY, RIGHT?

- NO, BUT MY BRAIN IS ABOUT TO EXPLODE FROM STRESS.

I AM NOT GOOD AT KEEPING SECRETS.

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I TOLD KYLE WHEN HE TOLD ME

HIS WIFE WAS CHEATING ON HIM.

- ANDY, COME ON! - AH! SEE? OH!

- NOT COOL, MAN. - NOT HIM, NOT THAT KYLE.

- OKAY, WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT,

AND THEN AFTER THAT, WE CAN PROBABLY TELL PEOPLE.

SO JUST HANG IN THERE, PLEASE.

- I CAN DO THIS. PEOPLE DO THIS. PEOPLE KEEP SECRETS.

MY NEIGHBOR ERIC-- HE'S KEPT A SECRET FOR 20 YEARS.

HE'S IN WITNESS PROTECTION.

OKAY.

*

- YOU WANTED TO SEE ME? - YES.

I NEED TO ASK YOU FOR A...

FAVOR.

- WHAT? RON SWANSON ASKING FOR HELP?

KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN, WOMAN!

PART OF THE UNITY CONCERT IS A YOUTH REVUE

ABOUT THE HISTORY OF PAWNEE.

THEY REQUIRE VOLUNTEERS, SO I WANT YOU

TO COME WITH ME TO MY DAUGHTERS'...

PUBLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

TO HELP MAKE COSTUMES.

THE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.

I'LL DO YOU THIS SOLID, BUT YOU'RE GONNA HAVE

TO KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR MY EX-BOYFRIEND JOE.

HE TEACHES MUSIC AT THAT SCHOOL, AND HE IS A NIGHTMARE.

HE'S MY TAMMY. - YOUR TAMMY?

DONNA, MY TWO EX-WIVES ARE THE WORST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD.

TAMMY TWO ONCE SEDUCED A CORONER

AND HAD ME DECLARED LEGALLY DEAD

JUST SO SHE COULD GET A DISCOUNT ON A PLANE TICKET.

WHEN I'M WITH JOE,

HE TURNS ME INTO A PERSON I DON'T LIKE OR RECOGNIZE.

I GO INSANE.

ALL I'M ASKING IS FOR YOU TO KEEP HIM AWAY FROM ME.

- I UNDERSTAND THIS PROBLEM WELL

AND AGREE TO THIS EXCHANGE OF SERVICES.

- WE NEED TO RAISE A MINIMUM OF $30,000

FROM THE AUCTION, OR ELSE THE CONCERT'S GONNA BE IN TROUBLE.

WHAT ELSE CAN WE AUCTION OFF? WHAT ABOUT THOSE FISH?

THINK THEY'RE VALUABLE? COVER ME.

- MAYBE YOU SHOULD START TAKING IT EASY.

YOU'RE STRESSING OUT FOR TWO NOW.

HMM, THAT'S ACTUALLY A PRETTY DECENT T-SHIRT IDEA.

BABE, I CANNOT SLOW DOWN.

THE CONCERT IS IN THREE WEEKS.

LOOK, I FEEL FINE, AND IF YOU'RE WORRIED,

WE CAN JUST ASK DR. SAPERSTEIN WHAT HE THINKS.

- SOMEONE SAY "SAPERSTEIN"? COME ON, YOU TWO.

LET'S SADDLE YOU UP AND PUT SOME JELLY ON THE BELLY.

- HE'S A LITTLE WEIRD. - MM-HMM.

- LOOK AT ME! - JEEZ.

- OKAY, HERE'S WHAT'S HAPPENING--I WANT TO AUCTION OFF

A PERSONALIZED JOHNNY KARATE SONG TOMORROW,

SO I NEED YOU TO COME TO THE AUCTION.

- AUCTION?

OKAY, YEAH. LET ME WRITE THAT DOWN.

- ANDY, YOU ALREADY HAVE THREE JOHNNY KARATE SHOWS TOMORROW.

- NO, NOT ACCORDING TO MY FILE HERE.

OH, I FORGOT, OTHER HAND. CRAP.

- OKAY, WE NEED A BETTER SYSTEM.

LOOK, I'LL JUST WRITE DOWN AN ITINERARY FOR YOU,

SO YOU CAN JUST FOCUS ON SONGS.

- OKAY, WELL, YOU HAVE TO CATALOG ALL THIS STUFF.

I MEAN, THIS IS HOURS' WORTH OF WORK.

- WHAT IS THAT? "DON'T TELL SECRET"?

OH, NO, THAT'S NOT ONE.

- ANDY, IF YOU HAVE A SECRET, YOU HAVE TO TELL ME.

THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT OF MARRIAGE.

YOU GET TWICE THE SECRETS.

- DUDE, IT IS NOTHING. I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING.

I'M NOT ACTING WEIRD.

YOU'RE ACTING WEIRD. EXCUSE ME.

I HAVE TO GET BACK TO WORK NOW.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- I'M GETTING A PICTURE OF YOU

VOLUNTEERING AT A PUBLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

IN CASE I EVER NEED TO BLACKMAIL YOU.

THAT'S JOE, 12:00.

DONNA, HOW ARE YOU?

IT'S REALLY NICE TO SEE YOU. - MM-HMM.

- THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HELPING OUT.

THESE KIDS ARE SO LUCKY TO HAVE YOUR FASHION EXPERTISE.

- HELLO, JOE. MY NAME IS RON SWANSON.

I AM DONNA'S WORK-PROXIMITY ASSOCIATE.

- OH, MY GOSH, DONNA HAS TOLD ME SO MUCH ABOUT YOU.

IT'S NICE TO PUT A FACE TO THE NAME.

MM-HMM.

- WELL, I GOTTA GET BACK TO MY CLASSROOM.

IT'S A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU, RON.

AND IF EITHER OF YOU GUYS NEED ANYTHING AT ALL TODAY,

PLEASE DO NOT HESITATE TO ASK, OKAY?

- I'M ONTO YOU, FRIEND. - WHAT?

TREAD LIGHTLY.

OKAY.

- NOW, BEN WANTS ME TO SLOW DOWN,

BUT I HAVE THIS HUGE PROJECT COMING UP,

AND SLOWING DOWN ISN'T REALLY MY JAM.

- YOUR BODY IS GOING THROUGH SOME CHANGES,

BUT YOU'RE A HEALTHY GAL, RIGHT, LESLIE?

THERE IS NO REASON FOR YOU NOT TO BE YOURSELF.

- I WIN.

- IT WASN'T A COMPETITION. - ALL RIGHT.

LET'S SEE WHAT'S GOING DOWN IN BABY TOWN.

THERE'S YOUR HEALTHY BABY.

OH, WOW.

- OH, AND THERE'S ANOTHER ONE.

THE BABY HAS TWO BODIES?

- TWINS. BEN, WE'RE HAVING TWINS.

- NO, YOU'RE NOT, 'CAUSE LOOK WHO'S HIDING OVER HERE.

- TRIPLETS? TRIPLETS?

- AND HERE'S A FOURTH. I'M SO SORRY, NO.

IT'S A LITTLE FLECK OF CREAM CHEESE ON THE SCREEN.

- - JUST TRIPLETS.

WOW, YOU GUYS REALLY DODGED A BULLET.

CAN YOU IMAGINE RAISING FOUR CHILDREN AT ONE TIME?

HA, A NIGHTMARE.

.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

WE KNOCKED IT OUT OF THE PARK ON THE FIRST TRY.

IF WE DO THIS RIGHT, WE CAN BE PARENTS

TO 1/3 OF THE SUPREME COURT!

- THIS IS INSANE. - THIS IS AMAZING.

I ALWAYS KNEW WE WERE ONE IN A MILLION,

AND NOW WE GOT THE PROOF!

- WELL, ACTUALLY, ONE IN 8,000.

TRIPLETS OCCUR A LOT MORE FREQUENTLY THAN YOU IMAGINE,

ESPECIALLY AT YOUR AGE. - OH.

- YOUR BODY IS PRONE TO RELEASING MULTIPLE EGGS.

IT'S WHAT WE DOCTORS LIKE TO CALL--

AND I DON'T MEAN TO BE INSENSITIVE--

A GOING-OUT-OF-BUSINESS SALE.

- SO, DOCTOR, UM, WHAT DO WE--

LIKE, WHAT DO WE DO? LIKE, WHAT DO WE DO?

UM, HOW DO WE-- HOW--HOW--HOW--

HOW-- WHAT DO WE DO?

- THE FIRST THING YOU DO IS, YOU FORGET EVERYTHING

THAT I SAID BEFORE BECAUSE YOU, YOUNG LADY,

NEED A LOT OF REST AND ESPECIALLY AVOIDING STRESS.

LESLIE, I NEED YOU TO BE BUDDHA ON QUAALUDES,

AND, BEN, YOU ARE

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY IN A HAMMOCK ON THE BEACH.

- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

THIS IS INSANE. THREE KIDS?

I JUST MULTIPLIED ALL OUR FUTURE EXPENSES BY THREE,

AND YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED?

THE NUMBERS GOT A LOT HIGHER.

I THINK I HEARD THE COMPUTER LAUGH AT ME.

AND SAPERSTEIN WANTS US TO RELAX?

- ARE YOU READY TO GO, MY GENTLE DOVE?

- OH, I WILL BE THERE IN TWO FLAPS OF A BUTTERFLY'S WING,

AND I LOVE YOU.

WE ARE SO SCREWED.

- - UH-OH.

WHAT DID YOU DO NOW, JOE?

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

WE THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA HAVE TO TELL DYLAN

THAT HIS DOGGIE WAS GONE FOREVER.

OH, MY GOSH.

BARBARA, DON'T EVEN MENTION IT.

LOOK, I HATE IT WHEN MY STUDENTS ARE UPSET,

SO I JUST WENT OUT, DRIVING AROUND.

I CHECKED A FEW NEIGHBORHOOD PARKS.

IT TOOK BARELY SIX HOURS.

- OH, HOW CAN WE EVER REPAY YOU?

- NO NEED. WOULD YOU LIKE A MUFFIN?

I MADE THEM LAST NIGHT.

- IT'S THE BEST MUFFIN I'VE EVER HAD.

YOU'RE WELCOME, GUYS.

YOU'RE WELCOME. OH.

- SO WHOSE BIRTHDAY IS IT ANYWAY?

OH, WHO KNOWS?

I GOT SO MANY KIDS FROM DIFFERENT WOMEN,

I JUST GET ALL OF THEIR BIRTHDAYS OUT OF THE WAY

ONE DAY A YEAR.

LADIES.

OKAY, SO WHEN THIS ENDS,