Hercules: The Legendary Journeys

Darphus gave them your demands -

just enough crops to feed our men, only the buildings needed to quarter them.

- Their answer? - They've decided to defend themselves.

Stupid. We'll give them the night to reconsider.

Give them nothing. I say we attack now, wipe them all out.

Let the gods sort out the women and children.

We are warriors, not barbarians.

Cretus, you made it clear that anyone who raises a sword against us will die.

They've rather die defending the fruits of their labour than give it to renegades.

Then tomorrow they'll get their wish.

Oh.

Wonderful, Ipicles. Absolutely wonderful.

It's a four-star meal for sure.

Why four stars?

That's just a manner of speaking.

It's something I picked up from an epicurean friend of mine.

Well, why not five stars? Or a constellation of stars?

A constellation it is.

Hercules?

- Iloran! - Hello, cousin. It's been too long.

It must be five years.

Come. Sit down.

- How have you been? - Good.

Look, we got big problems in the Parthian province.

- What sort of problems? - Marauders. And they're merciless.

Last week they attacked a village near us. Killed every last man.

Look here.

On my way here I found out that six more villages

have been destroyed in the last month.

They're intent on overrunning the peninsula.

And Parthus, my mother's village, will be right in their path.

Then we don't have any time to waste.

No word?

- Their activity has been to fortify. - We should've attacked yesterday.

It won't affect the outcome. Only make it more interesting.

- Let's go! Yah!

Yah!

Surrender or die! - Never!

No! Have mercy!

There she is! Kill her!

- Destroy the witch! - Destroy her!

This is the story of a time long ago.

A time of myth and legend,

when the ancient gods were petty and cruel,

and they plagued mankind with suffering.

Only one man dared to challenge their power-Hercules.

Hercules possessed a strength the world had never seen,

a strength surpassed only by the power of his heart.

He journeyed the earth, battling the minions of wicked stepmother, Hera,

the all-powerful queen of the gods.

But wherever there was evil, wherever an innocent would suffer,

there would be Hercules.

A fine attack!

Victory!

Long live Xena!

I'm a modest woman. Please don't touch me there.

Look at what we found hiding in the feed bin.

Ow! Ow!

- Well, what have we got here? - No, no.

I work in the circus.

Please don't kill me! Please! I beg you!

Give me one good reason.

It would be very unpleasant for me.

We haven't even been introduced.

- My mother will cry? - Take him away.

Wait a minute! I'm not even supposed to be here!

I'm a salesman! I can get you a great deal on clay dinnerware.

- I got this walnut utensil... - Kill him!

You're very quick with the "kill him". Wait!

I know people in high places!

- I know Hercules! - What do you know about Hercules?

- He knows nothing! - I do too! I... We...

I'm his best friend.

We're like this.

Well, not like that. Kinda like...

- It's platonic. We're like that. - Come here, little man.

- You amuse me. - Amusing? You like amusing?

Guy goes into a bar with a duck. Owner says "What are you doing with that pig?"

Cease! I'll let you know when I wanna be amused again.

Bring him along.

Leave it. It becomes you.

Right! Certainly. You've got excellent taste.

I can't believe it's been five years since I've seen you.

Why does it have to take bad news to bring us together?

You're not the easiest person to get hold of.

Yeah, I guess you're... right.

Mommy? Where's Daddy?

Who did this?

Marauders. Renegades.

Did you see their leader?

She was like a demon from Hades.

A woman.

- Do you know who did this? - I've got an idea.

That meat is for warriors.

Um... uh...

There's more than one way to wage a war.

Oh?

Tell me about it.

Well...

An army such as yours, with such a beautiful leader like you,

you need publicity, public relations.

Ha!

I prefer my relations to be private.

You need to trumpet your victories.

But you don't wanna seem overbearing of merciless.

You need a theme song. Wait a second.

# Xena, coming to your town #

# Xena, don't you wear a frown #

Don't talk about destruction. Talk about collateral damage.

Be like a tax collector. Tell people you're doing it for their own good.

You know, for such a wretched little man, you are mildly entertaining.

Tell me more.

OK. Can I just...? Yeah. Always address your troops from your right side.

It's your best side. You've got beautiful eyes. You've got great cheek structure.

Smile more. Show off your cheeks. Ah.

Uh-huh.

- Don't stop amusing me. - No, your Highness, your Worship...

What is your titular? How do you like to be undressed? Addresses? Hm?

- Any sign of trouble? - Not that I can see.

We're making good time. I can see the hills of Parthian province.

Also, I think we're being followed.

I know. I saw him by the river.

I say we go here. - The western villages?

Lightly defended, we wipe them from the map. An easy victory.

- Easy victories make for weak soldiers. - As long as the men get what they want.

I don't want soldiers following me out of greed. I demand loyalty.

Loyalty, greed, fear. What does to matter? As long as they obey orders.

It matters to me.

Maybe one day we'll find out whose strategy is best, yours or mine.

I'll go north with my scouts. I'll see for myself.

And when I return, we attack.

Still no sign of Xena and the scouts?

The men are ready for a night attack. I don't wanna lose the element of surprise.

- I won't wait any longer. - Excuse me.

Wouldn't Xena be upset if you don't wait?

You know, little man, you don't amuse me at all.

We go now. I don't wanna see a living thing when you're through.

- Not a man, woman or child. - Don't you think Xena...?

Forget Xena! I want that village destroyed!

The men can take what they want.

Yes, sir.

Attack!

- What have you done? - A message to those who defy us.

You killed women and children?

If this doesn't strike fear into the hearts of the northern villages, nothing will.

You're a butcher. Your disobedience will not go unpunished!

- I expected as much. - ( Baby Crying )

- I thought I killed them both. - Kill it!

Stop! You kill this baby, you die next.

Contrary to what some might think, I still lead this army.

Looking for me?

We can do this the easy way,

or we can go back to that village you destroyed,

let the orphans and widows decide what to do with you.

- Women and children don't scare me. - Don't they?

Who commands you barbarians? A woman, isn't it?

- We're not barbarians. We're soldiers. - Soldiers.

Killing unarmed people. That qualifies you as a soldier, doesn't it?

So where is your leader - Xena?

When she finds out I'm missing, she'll have you for breakfast.

Where is she?

It doesn't matter. You're too late, anyway.

Get out of my sight.

I wouldn't.

Murderers.

No one's alive. Not even a child.

- They killed children? - They killed everyone.

Women, children, babies.

I swear by my mother... this won't happen again.

What are you doing here?

You need help taking care of the baby. I found this shepherdess.

I've got no intention of taking care of him. I merely saved him.

No, of course not. If you had any maternal instinct, you wouldn't...

Not that you don't have maternal instinct, but with all the fighting...

I have some milk for the baby.

Oh, proud warrioress?

- Can I talk to you for a moment? - About what?

It's Darphus.

He scares me.

Everyone scares you.

Very observant. But in this case I don't think he's exactly in your corner either.

His insubordination.

That, and he's been stirring up the men about saving the baby.

I've got no reason to doubt my soldiers' loyalty.

- And I'll deal with Darphus. - I'm sure.

But the best course of action, given that you and Darphus are at odds...

I don't run from my problems. I confront them!

And I'll deal with Darphus!

Excellent choice. It was just a thought. Thank you.

You defied me.

You wanted the village destroyed, we destroyed it.

I didn't order you to burn it or to slaughter every living thing.

- I gave you my reasons. - I'm relieving you of your command.

My men won't allow that.

Yes, my men.

You're the one who's stepping down.

And you'll leave the only way a warrior can.

The gauntlet?

There's not a man here who'll raise a hand against me.

Take off her armour.