28 Hotel Rooms

Lift your leg up.

Is this seat taken?

What's good to eat here?

The chocolate explo-- explosion cake. It sounds--

That sounds good.

Or-Or not. What do you think?

You look good.

- What are you doing here? - Oh, I'm just doing press for my book.

I'm doing a tour. Yeah.

Crazy time, actually.

I was at this party last night with all these famous people there.

Prince played at it, which was pretty-- pretty cool.

Oh.

What are you doing here?

Just work.

What is it that you do again? What--

Analytical processing.

Ah.

Data mining.

It's really more, uh, predictive analysis.

Do you speak English?

- -

Where's home again for you?

- Seattle. - Right. Seattle.

You? New York.

- You ready sir? - Hey. Uh--

I'm gonna get that chocolate explosion cake.

And, uh-- You know what? Make it two.

One for the lady over there.

- None for me, thanks. - No-- Get it--

No, one is-- that's fine. One is fine.

Okay. We could split it, if you want.

- Hey. - Hey.

I gotta get down to the lobby. Someone's picking me up at 9:00.

Sorry. Did I wake you? No, no.

It's-It's fine. It's fine.

I left my number for you. If you're, you know, in New York.

If you wanna give me a shout.

I'm never gonna call you.

Okay.

Have a good day.

You okay?

Yeah, yeah.

I broke up with my girlfriend.

Not for you, obviously. Why did I-- I didn't--

I don't know why I just said that.

Well, I'm married now.

Yeah, I figured.

Hey, how was your wedding?

You have fun?

Were there-- Were a lot of people at the--

a lot of people at the wedding?

Grandmas, grandpas?

You have a band or a deejay?

You like to dance?

What's your name again?

You said you weren't gonna call me. You lied. Why did you call me?

Was it the penis?

It's handsome.

It's a handsome penis. Is that why?

That's it.

Why did you call?

What? Tell me something about yourself.

Like what? Anything.

You wanna know my favorite color?

You like your work? Yes. I love it.

What? Come on.

You wanna know-- You wanna know my favorite color?

No, I don't wanna know your favorite color.

Tell me-- Tell me-- What would you-- Just stop talking.

Do you have a-- you have a middle name?

Mm-hmm. Yes, I do. Are you gonna tell me?

No. You're just gonna keep turning off the light?

Yeah. What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna--

I'm gonna break the fuckin' lamp over your head.

All right.

All right. You get one question.

One.

Hold on. I'm thinking.

Only one?

Don't push it.

No, no. I get one question. I get one que-- Well, time's running out.

Turn the light out. Turn it off?

Turn it off. Goin' off.

When's your next conference?

Do you have any brothers and sisters?

Are your mom and dad still together?

Are you a Democrat or a Republican?

Have you ever seen a Ronald Reagan film?

Do you like vanilla or chocolate?

Vanilla? Chocolate?

Would you rather be eaten by a shark or die in an earthquake?

Shark.

Would you rather have a superpower--

I didn't even finish what I was about to say.

Would you have-- rather have a superpower to fly--

or to turn me into a buffalo?

See ya.

I, uh-- I read your book.

- Oh, yeah? - It surprised me.

It's just a book.

It's not just a book. It's a best seller.

It's in every airport.

Yes, it is. Yes, it is.

I really liked it. Good.

You're a very good writer.

Yes, I am.

I'm not just saying that. No, I know.

I'm good. No, thank you.

Thank you. I appreciate it. That's very nice of you.

I, uh-- Um, I met someone.

I have a girlfriend. It's not a serious thing.

I just wanted to be honest with you, if that, uh-- I don't know the rules.

We keep on doing this, and you're gonna have to leave her for me.

Maybe you should leave him for me.

Oh, my God. I gotta go. What am I doing here?

Have a good flight. See ya.

Oh, my--

Oh, shit. Alarm.

Uh-- It's not worth it. It's not worth it. Don't do it. Don't do it.

Don't-- Don't do it! What-- That's what I'm talkin' about.

I used to be in, like, a special ed, um-- I'm serious.

Like a special ed-- math class. And uh--

Like, was this last year? It kind of scarred me forever.

And there was this one kid, Timmy Eckensterner.

And he was a total fucking freak of nature.

And there was this wonderful girl, Mariana Steins.

She was born with a hole in her heart. How do you re-- What?

Yeah. She-She was, like, a little thing with an Afro, and she was--

She was a neighbor, Mariana Steins.

Did she survive, or did she die from her heart? She survived.

She's-She's still going. She's a wonderful human being.

But the kids made fun of her and then made fun of me,

'cause I was hanging out with her, you know.

Who was the first person you ever kissed?

Christian Iveson.

Iveson? Braces. He had braces. I did not.

Did he stick his tongue in your mouth? Mm-mmm.

No. He was pretty wimpy.

What about the first time you had sex?

Mmm.

How old were you?

Eighteen. College.

All my friends-- Uh-- They all had already had sex.

So I also felt pressure, 'cause I was, like--

like the only person, you know, who, like, hadn't done it yet.

When was-- Who broke your heart the first time?

Ashley Luden.

She would never sleep with me. And I really wanted to make--

I was-- "Wow, we've been dating a long time. I want this to be the first girl I sleep with.

This is gonna be special." And then she broke up with me...

and fucked half the school.

Really. She did. No!

Yeah. It was like-- I don't know. I turned Ashley into a complete slut.

Where-Where was that Ashley? Where was that Ashley?

You ever have an experience with a girl?

Mm-mmm. No?

I did with a guy. You did?

Yeah. When I was a kid.

We'd play, like, G.I. Joes. And then--

And then I'd get shot, and he'd nurse me with a blow job, you know.

Wow.

Yeah. But I could-- I was so young, I couldn't even come.

I got a blow job. This is-- This is not gonna make you like me.

You have, like, the blow job chronicles.

"The Blow Job Chronicles."

"My first blow job--

started with a boy."

I'm a king in Monaco, so fuck everybody.

I'm the king of the most serene republic of San Marino.

I'm the king of Liechtenstein.

Do you wanna be my princess?

I've never been crowned at all.

Excuse me. I've never been crowned at all.

Oh, terrific.

Can we get two more of these, please?

Bring the pain. I don't think you feel any pain.

Drink up.

- What part of the hotel is this? - What floor are we on?

Wake up! Go!

- - They're comin' after us!

Run. Look at me. Look at this.

Come on. Let's go. Run!

Run! Oh, my--

Can you feel the pain now?

Oh, God, get up. Okay.