Two and a Half Men

* Joy to the world

* I'm getting laid

* I'm getting laid tonight

* We'll light the Yule log, deck the halls *

* And then we'll play some jingle balls *

* It's been a real long wait

* This is our second date

* It's Christmas Eve and I'm getting laid. *

Hey, I'm mixing up the eggnog.

You want this broad lit up or just slightly glowing?

Well, let's see, we're celebrating peace on Earth

and goodwill towards all mankind,

so let's get her plowed.

Hallelujah.

* Glo-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

* Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh- oh-ria *

* Tonight I'm boinking Gloria

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Two drunk twins...

* And a lap dance in a pear tree. *

Merry Christmas, Uncle Charlie.

Oh, right, the other part of Christmas.

Go ahead, open it.

Hold on. Let me give you your gift first.

Don't want you think I forgot you.

A hundred bucks? Wow!

Picked it out myself.

Now open yours.

Okay.

This is kind of exciting.

"Fart in a Can"?

You don't have one, do you?

Well, I've got you.

But this is good for travel.

Jake, I just talked to your mom.

She's going to be here any minute.

Don't look at Uncle Charlie's gift.

You're getting the same thing.

Oh, boy, I'm excited.

Don't be.

Speaking of gifts...

Merry Christmas.

I'll leave it up to you.

You can open it tomorrow morning at your mom's, or...

you can rip it open with your teeth like a rabid jackal.

You got me the new Nintendo?!

It's from Uncle Charlie, too.

You owe me $125.

But I just...

This is so cool! Thanks, Dad!

Thanks, Uncle Charlie!

Yeah, yeah, merry Christmas.

I'm going to go hook it up.

No, no, no, you're leaving.

Your Uncle Charlie's hooking up.

You're leaving too, right?

Yes, relax.

I plan on spending Christmas Eve

at a movie theater all by myself

just so you can have sex tonight.

You can have sex, too.

Just pick the right movie theater.

Jake, time to go.

Take some paper towels and don't wear your suede shoes.

Ho, ho, ho.

That's another option.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas. Come on in.

Hey, merry Christmas, Charlie.

Yes, swell. I'll go get the kid.

Ooh, eggnog.

Honey, we've got a long drive ahead of us.

We're spending the holidays in San Diego with my parents.

That's why I need eggnog.

Hey, I spent Thanksgiving with your parents.

Oh, really? Your mom's out of rehab?

Yes, my mom's out of rehab.

Actually, she kind of jumped the fence.

Well, the woman's going to be your mother-in-law--

you might as well get used to it.

Remember the time she rode out of Betty Ford on a lawnmower?

On the plus side, she bakes Toll House cookies

with walnuts and Demerol.

Stuff never goes back in the box the way it came out.

It's a life lesson, Jake.

Come on, your mom's here.

Vamoose.

Okay, table's set on the deck

and dinner's in the oven. Great.

You might want to keep the candles away from the eggnog.

Got it.

All right then, I'm leaving now.

Good-bye and thanks.

Yeah, merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

All the best. Same to you.

Give me my bonus, you blockhead.

Oh, right.

Thank you for all your hard work.

Couldn't get along without you.

You're one in a million.

Really?

What would Jesus do?

Herb?

Oh, no thanks. I'm driving.

I'll have some.

No, you won't. It's for grownups.

I'll have another.

Sweetie, my parents are waiting.

I know, dear.

Apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it?

Okay, merry Christmas to all,

and to all, a good-bye.

Hang on.

I've got a long bus ride,

and I don't want to sober up halfway home.

Hello?

Kandi?

What are you doing here?

I didn't want to be alone on Christmas Eve

and I didn't know where else to go.

Where's your new boyfriend?

He decided to spend Christmas with his family.

Why didn't he bring you along?

He thought it would make his wife uncomfortable.

Oh. Sweetie, come on in.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I've got company coming, remember?

I can't just throw her out, Charlie.

How do you know if you don't try?

Lighten up, it's Christmas.

Okay, two minutes, and then I bring out the Fart in a Can.

You remember Judith. Hi, Judith.

And this is her fiancé, Herb.

Hi, Herb. Hi.

Here, let me take your coat.

Oh, my golly.

Well, I guess we should get going.

What's the hurry?

Your parents are waiting, remember?

What do you care? They don't like you anyway.

Eggnog?

Thank you.

You're welcome.

I'm a doctor.

A real one or like Alan?

I'm a pediatrician.

Wow, so you're into feet.

No, children.

Isn't that illegal?

Berta, don't you have a bus to catch?

And miss this show? Are you nuts?

Feliz Navidad, everyone!

Ooh, I didn't see that one coming.

Mom, what are you doing here?

I was on my way to a party,

thought I'd drop off your gifts

so that I don't have to schlep back here tomorrow

and mess up my day.

Charlie?

Rose?!

How could you have a Christmas party and not invite me?

This isn't a Christmas party.

Well, what do you call it?

The beginning of a news story

that ends with the phrase,

"He then turned the gun on himself.

All right, all right, everybody listen up.

Listen to me.

There is no party.

You all have to leave now because a beautiful woman

is coming over and I intend to get her drunk

and have sex with her.

That's a good plan.

Except I'm already drunk.

Boy, I can't wait till the second act.

* Men...

More fuel for the fire.

You said you were going home.

Well, that was before I knew you were having a party.

This isn't a party.

It's just a bunch of people I don't like

standing around drinking my booze.

Oh, crap, it is a party.

Give me that.

Love to know that those two are talking about.

I could tell you.

I read lips.

Really? Yep.

Right now your date

is saying

"The wily ostrich sank my boat."

I have a little congestion in my upper chest.

Can you take a look at it?

Oh, well, I could...