About a Boy

Sorry y'all, but I do have a very stellar hand.

I will call. That's one, two, three...

You cannot bet... those are blue corn chips, they're $5 each.

It's a $20 buy-in. How broke are you?

- I don't have it. - If you're really that

hard up you could always sell that beautiful head of hair

that you have. I will give you $40

- for that hair right now. - $40?

- Let me think about that. - As your accountant,

I highly recommend that you accept that offer.

Why don't you just get off your ducket,

come down to the luncheonette and record another

corny seasonal song, like, maybe something for, ooh,

daylight savings time. Spring forward, fall back,

- it writes itself. - Actually I have good songs,

I've written them, but I just don't have any contacts left

in the music industry.

- Oh. - Music industry's dead.

In the digital age it's all about getting in the studio

with an innovative producer.

Did you listen to a podcast on the way here?

That's what my friend Tammy, from

toddler time sing-a-lon says.

Oh!

Wait, you know toddler time Tammy?

Do you also know the muffin man?

- Oh, God. - Tammy idalis

happens to be married to a very influential guy, so.

Is it Peter Cottontail?

Or John Jacob jingleheimer schmidt?

His name is my name too.

Wait, wait, wait, did you say idalis?

As in Johnny idalis, the genius, biggest music producer

- in the world idalis? - Yeah.

You're bros with johhny idalis?

I mean, I know him.

I'm actually going to dinner with him this weekend.

- Stop it. - I mean, I never met him,

I'm invited to his son's bar mitzvah.

I... I have to be your plus one.

No. It's not a night club,

it's a religious ceremony. Plus, Laurie is my plus one.

God wants me to go to that party.

This is perfect, there's no other explanation.

I can show Johnny idalis my song.

God wants me to ditch my pregnant wife

so you can hobnob with a music mogul?

Exactly. Okay, I am feeling flush,

we're going to a bar mitzvah,

I am raising the stakes, we're going two pretzels.

You know, we're at Marcus minus 30.

So you know the drill.

Gotta get your clothes on, get out the back door,

and don't leave a trace.

Yeah.

You know...

All this sneaking in and out of the house, it...

Fiona, it's... time for you to tell Marcus

about our relationship.

Oh, I know, but he's just such a uniquely sensitive

child, and I'm not really sure he's over the death of

Maya angelou, and I mean, to tell him I'm shagging

- his teacher, I mean... - You're going to have

to tell him eventually. I mean, unless

you're not planning on there being an eventually.

No, of course I am. And I will, I promise.

I will tell him, I will.

Great, great.

Because you know, you don't want him finding out on his own.

After all, you two are unusually connected.

Oh, I don't know that we're unusually connect...

He's early, I sense it. Run!

Back?

- He's coming, get in. - Where, in there?

- Get in. - Hey, mom.

- Get your legs in. - Knitting class

was cut short today because Gail wasn't really feeling too well.

Oh, you're home. Lovely.

Let's go that way, shall we? There we are.

You can't bet for you every hand.

These represent money, and it's on the line.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa...

- Fiona hasn't told him yet? - Nope.

- Deal me in? - You know, Andy, it looks like

his pair might beat your pair.

Here we go.

[brett Dennen's comeback kid (That's my dog)]

Hey, pasty, you free tomorrow night?

Absolutely. I try to keep my Saturdays

ftee so I can get a jump on the Sunday crossword as soon

as it becomes available online.

- dude, you're a wild man. - Well you should see me

do the puzzles in pen, it's crazy.

Oh, wait.

My mom's got plans tomorrow night so I'm home

- with a babysitter. - Babysitters are for babies.

Just tell your mom you're staying home alone,

- and then invite me over. - Wait, you mean lie?

- To my mother? - Well, if she's gonna treat you

like a baby then what choice do you have?

You're 12 years old.

Text me when you grow a pair, okay?

Wait, shea.

What kind of pear are we talking about?

Like, are we going bartlett, or bosc?

My mom and I have been talking about growing some fruit trees.

Which brings us to our one and only conclusion

I'm ready to stay home alone.

Oh, but darling, I mean the last time...

Yeah, I know, I know, I stabbed myself trying

to cut an orange. I'm way ahead of you.

- Oh. - This graph indicates that

as my voice has lowered, so has my capacity for self-injury.

- I know, but... - Mom, you've been going out

a lot lately. Night shopping, night hiking,

- night biking. - Yeah, those are all the things

I've told you I've been doing.

Just give me one chance. Tomorrow night.

I promise I'll text you every 90 minutes.

- 10. - 45.

30. That's my final offer.

Yes. Best mom ever.

Oh, darling.

So what night thing are you doing tomorrow anyway?

Um, well, I...

Do you know, I've been meaning to talk to you about this?

I've got a new commitment in my life.

It might upset you a bit, but we can talk about it

and we can feel about it. If it does.

The thing is, I've been... I've been seeing mister...

Mister... mist... mist... mist... Mysteries.

Mystery films. I've been seeing mystery films

at the independent cinema. 'Cause I love mystery films,

all those twists and turns.

Ooh, actually my leg's going to sleep, darling,

you're bloody heavy. Go on, go get your homework

and we'll do it down here.

Thank you.

Classic mysteries at the independent cinema.

Coward.

Just have a good time. Good to see you.

I don't know, will. I mean, hustling a guy

on the day of his son's bar mitzvah.

What if we anger him? So what?

- What's he gonna do? - What's he gonna do?

He knows jailed rappers.

You call me on this, the day of my son's bar mitzvah

to do business?

What shame on you, kanye.

No, I'll listen to it, go ahead and play it.

- Hey. - Andy.

Oh, I'm so glad you could make it.

Joshie, this is Andy, my friend from toddler time.

Hey. Mazel tov.

- Nice to meet you. - All right.

And who's this?

This guy is... he is... um... my...

How do you describe him? He's very close... personal...

Andy, it's okay, I get it.

What do you... what do you get?

We've always assumed but now it's clear.

Not to me.

There's no "Laurie" is there?

- Laurie is... - You have...

Nailed it, Tammy, you little sleuth.

I can't believe you're still doing the Laurie story.

Honestly he's crazy.

Hi, I'm will.

I'm Andy's... partner.

Life partner, husband, lover.

But whatever, we hate labels. Labels are for jars, not people,

am I right?

We're together.

And that's what's important to us, right?

Wait, you two are... a couple?

Couple of... couple of guys. Yup.

Is that all right?

- No, it's not all right. - See?

It's fabulous.

I thought this was going to be a bunch of soccer moms

and tech stiffs.

But now maybe it'll have a little

Flair, you know?

- Johnny idalis. - Hi, will Freeman,

and have I got flair. I have got flair to spare,

my friend. Shipwrecked on an island?

Have no fear, I'm your man, because,

Flair.

We'll see you on the dance floor, I hope?

- All right. - I love your shoes.

- Bye. -

Wow, you look incredible.

Thanks.

Make yourself at home.

Wow.

Did you do all that for me?

Yeah.

Look, Fiona, I know how hard it was for you to tell Marcus

about us, so...