Torch Song Trilogy

'Arnold!'

'Arnold!'

'Arnold!'

'Arnold!'

Arnold!

Arnold.

Arnold, lunch is on the table!

Arnold!

Where is that kid?

Aah!

Oh, Arnold, what are you doing in..

I think my biggest problem is being young and beautiful.

It's because I've never been young and beautiful.

Well, I've been beautiful. God knows I've been young.

But never the twain have met.

Not so as anyone would notice anyway.

You know, a shrink acquaintance of mine believes this

to be the root of my attraction to a class of men

most subtly described as old and ugly.

I think he's underestimating my wheedles.

See, a ugly person

who goes after a pretty person gets nothing, but trouble.

But a pretty person who goes after a ugly person

gets at least cab fare.

Now, I ain't sayin' I never fell for a pretty face.

When les jeux sont faitsgive me a toad with a pot of gold

I'll give you three meals a day.

Ain't no toad when the lights go down.

It's either feast or famine.

It's the daylight you got to watch out for.

Well, face it.

A thing of beauty is a joy till sunrise.

Mm, mm.

There's another group you gotta watch your foot stamps around.

The hopeless.

They break down into three major categories.

Married.

Just in for the weekend.

Terminally straight.

Those affairs are the worst.

You go into them with your eyes open

knowing all the limitations, accepting them maturely.

Then wham bam, you're writing letters to dear Abby

and you're burning black candles at midnight.

And you ask yourself, "what happened?"

I'm gonna tell you what happened.

You got just what you wanted.

The person who thinks they're mature enough

to handle an affair that's hopeless from the beginning

is the very same person that keeps the publishers

of gothic romances up to their tragic endings in mink.

What do you think? Gorgeous, huh?

Give me a break. It's still under construction.

For those of youse what ain't yet guessed.

I am an entertainer.

Or what's left of one.

I go by the name, Virginia Hamm.

Ain't that a kick in the rubber parts?

You should hear some of my former handles.

Anita Mann.

Fonda Boys.

Claire Voyant.

Fay Ways.

Bang-bang-la-desh.

Yeah.

I'm among the last of a dying breed.

Once the E.R.A. and gay civil rights bills have been passed

me and mine will find ourselves swept under the carpets.

Like the blacks done to Amos, Andy, and Aunt Jemima.

But that's alright.

With voice and face like this I got nothing to worry about.

I can always drive a cab.

There are easier things in this life than being a drag queen.

Tsk. But I ain't got no choice.

See, umm..

Try as I may..

I just can't walk in flats.

Ha ha ha.

You know, there was one guy once

his name was Charlie.

He was everything you could want in an affair and more.

Oh, he was tall.

Handsome.

Rich.

Deaf.

The deafness was the more.

Well, he had never yelled at me.

Never complained if I snored.

All his friends was nice and quiet.

I-I even learned some of that deaf sign language.

Oh, I-I remember some.

It's cockroach.

Means fuck.

Oh, this here's my favorite.

Means I love you.

And I did too.

But um..

Not

enough.

You know... in my life I've slept with more men

than are named or numbered in the bible.

Old and new testaments put together.

But not once has someone said, "Arnold... I love you."

That I could believe.

And I ask myself, "do you really care?"

You know, the only honest answer I can give myself is

"yes... I care."

I care a great deal.

Tsk, but

not

enough.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to our stage

Bertha Venation! Yay!

And now, the Queen of Delicatessen, Virginia Hamm!

And now, senores and senoritas

please welcome, Marina del Rey!

And now, bigger than Broadway, Marcia Dimes!

Ladies and gentlemen

in order to be a real dame

you've got to kneel before a queen.

Oh, Miss Dimes, you're flawless.

But ladies and gentlemen, wait until you see my act

Bertha Venation and her dance of the virgin.

Which she does completely from memory.

Bitch.

Brrr!

Kiss her quick. She's Carmen.

More!

- Roz, honey, you need a lift? - Oh, that'd be great, thanks.

- Hey, you going straight home? - No. Let's get a beer.

- So, what's the dish? - Men.

My life's work. What's the gripe?

- I ain't got one. - Who wants one?

- I've got three. - 'Find me out.'

Good night, ladies.

- Goodnight. - Night, night dear.

I swear that queen gives me gas.

Oh. Ha ha ha.

Come on, let's go to the Stud, I can use a nightcap.

And a quickie with some stranger in the backroom.

- Count me out. - It's very relaxing.

You'll find this hard to comprehend

but I want more out of life than meeting a pretty face.

- And sitting down on it. - Graphically put.

Personally, I never enjoy sex with someone I know.

- A lady of high standards. - Cab! Night, girls!

- Night, Bertha! - Night, Bertha!