Two and a Half Men

Jake, time to go.

Get your stuff together.

After you drop him off, you want to see a movie?

Sure, that sounds good.

Cool. Enjoy.

Why don't you just tell me you've got a girl coming over?

I didn't want to rub your nose in it.

Thanks.

She's gorgeous, by the way.

Wonderful.

Why are you putting Jake's stuff all over the house?

Because I want this girl to see

I'm not just another jerk trying to get her into bed.

I'm a loving uncle.

Who's trying to get her into bed.

That's the loving part.

Oh, this is the book I read to him at bedtime.

You don't read to Jake.

That's why you're going to the movies.

Okay, ready to go.

Is your skateboard still outside by the front door?

Oh, sorry. I'll bring it in.

No, no, leave it there.

See, I do this thing where I kind of trip over it,

then I bitch a little bit.

You know, I'm harried, but lovable.

You got everything? What about your schoolbooks?

Oh, right.

So, what time are you expecting Little Red Riding Hood?

Oh, and I'm the Big Bad Wolf.

Very clever, and not a bad game to play later.

A little huffing and puffing and blowing...

That's "The Three Little Pigs."

Same wolf though, right?

I got my schoolbooks.

And your homework?

Oh.

You know, Charlie,

if you took half the energy

you put into manipulating casual sexual encounters

and used it to actually build a relationship,

you'd be a lot happier.

Hard to imagine.

Are you saying you never want to settle down?

You mean get married?

Let me tell you something, bunky.

If you've got someone

to clean your house and do your shopping,

and you're getting some action on a regular basis,

the only reason you need a wife

is if you have some sick compulsion

to give away half your stuff.

What about kids?

I already got one.

And the best part is he leaves

before we get sick of each other, right, dude?

Okay, let's go.

Bye, Uncle Charlie.

See you next week.

Where are your shoes?

Oh, right.

I've been so depressed since the divorce,

I've gained eight pounds,

and not one ounce went to my boobs.

Honey, you're still better off without the rat bastard.

But I miss the rat bastard.

Listen to me, Kathleen.

I thought I missed my husband too,

but it turned out to be just a little prescription mix-up.

Hi, Mom.

There's my big boy.

Don't I get a hug?

Nope. Got to drain the lizard.

Boys.

Hey.

Oh, hi, Alan.

He left his homework in the car.

Oh, thank you.

Hang on. I have some bills you need to pay.

Great.

Hope they're really big ones.

Hi. Alan.

So, you, uh, you must be Judith's support group.

It's funny 'cause, uh,

I'm kind of supporting her, too.

It's not funny ha-ha so much as...

not funny.

Ooh, cookies.

Maybe this'll take the taste of foot out of my mouth.

So, uh, who's the little baker among us?

Mmm... foot.

Can I have a cookie?

Sure, sweetie.

You are so cute.

I know.

You have a girlfriend yet?

No, I'm a bachelor like my Uncle Charlie.

So, you're never

going to get married?

No, as long as I got someone

to clean my house,

and some action on a regular basis,

I don't need a wife.

Excuse me?

I don't want to give anybody half my stuff.

Okay, bye-bye.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men... *

This is my favorite part of the house.

I call it God's room.

Are you religious?

Oh, Tiffany, how can you not be when you look at...

something like that?

In fact, I'm always telling my...

little nephew...

what's important is this.

Not the big house or the fancy car, or...

all the expensive toys I'm always buying him.

Wow, you're amazing.

I don't know many guys

that would make room in their lives

for somebody else's child.

Hey, he's family.

What kind of a man doesn't make room in his life

for his own family?

Oh, look, it's my brother Alan,

who I also made room in my life for.

Excuse me.

Bro!

All right, you moron...

...what part of "stay out of the house

so I can run around naked with a hot chick"

didn't you understand?

I'm sorry.

I'm just too depressed to sit through a movie.

And you figured ruining my evening

would cheer you up?

You know, the movie was just a suggestion.

Go bowling, Go sit on the curb. I don't care.

Oh, leave me alone. Who's that?

Judith, again.

She's really upset with me.

Oh, man, I'm sorry.

Thank you. Now get out.

Get out? She's upset with me because of you.

Oh. Well, that's different.

But still, get out.

Your sexist, manipulative attitude towards women

just got into Jake's head,

and he spewed it out in front of his mother's

angry women's support group.

Wait a minute.

Is it a women's support group that's angry,

or a support group just for angry women?

What difference does it make?

Well, if they were already angry,

then I'm less culpable.

Okay,

what did Jake say?

Oh, not much; he just

parroted your line

about how women are only good for sex

and cleaning the house.

You didn't really say that?

No, no, no, no.

What I said was

is that there's really no reason to get married

if you've already got somebody to clean and...

You want to go to the movies with me?

Man, Jake's going to love this video game.

Listen to this.

16 levels of ultra-realistic murder and mayhem.

24 flesh-ripping weapons, plus gratuitous nudity.

Let me see that.

"Scooter's Magic Tree Fort"?

Scooter's a zombie.

It's Tiffany.

She's still talking to you after last weekend?

What can I tell you?

I'm hard to stay mad at.

Hello? Oh, hey, Tiff.

I've been thinking about you all week.

Yeah, we did get off to a bad start,

and I really blame myself.

No, I'd love to try again.

Um, I'm going to get Jake,

but I'll leave the front door unlocked

in case Satan shows up to collect your soul.

Wait a minute, Alan.

I got to put you on hold a sec, Tiff.

How come Judith's not bringing him over?

I don't know; Judith asked me to do it,

and I just got tired of arguing.

She still busting your chops about what Jake said?

Look, blame it on me.

Tell her I'm sorry.

She won't buy it.

Sure she will.

Just keep shoveling it on till roses start growing in it.

Poor Satan.