The Fundamentals of Caring

Caregiving is not just about feeding and clothing and cleaning.

It is also about understanding how to navigate

a complicated relationship between those who give care

and those who are in need of it.

If you find yourself lost, frustrated, confused,

you can always come back to this helpful mnemonic device:

ALOHA.

Ask, Listen, Observe, Help, Ask again.

The fundamentals of caregiving are to give care...

but not care too much.

If you truly want a lasting career in caregiving,

you'll need to adhere to the caregiver commandments.

Writ these down. They're important.

I cannot take care of another

unless I first take care of myself.

Ben. Ben, come on. I know you're in there.

My needs are equal to the needs of the person to whom I am giving care.

Caregiving is difficult.

All I can do is try my best and maintain a positive attitude.

Congratulations, you're a certified caregiver.

Just always remember:

ALOHA.

Ask, Listen, Observe, Help, Ask again.

Nothing less. Nothing more.

You must be Mr. Benjamin.

- Elsa Conklin. - Hi.

I was transferred to the States about nine months ago,

and we've yet to find a permanent caregiver for Trevor.

The transition's been difficult, to say the least.

The flight over was the first time he'd ever been on a plane and...

Well, let's just say, he's never really been one to relish

being outside of his house,

let alone 30,000 feet in the air, or here in another country.

So, tell me, why'd you choose to be a caregiver?

I like helping people.

Do you have clients at the moment? This would be full-time.

No.

Can you tell me about some of your previous clients?

Trevor would be my first client.

Oh... I'd asked them to only send people with experience.

Oh, um...

No, I have the certificate. I took the... It's a six-week course.

Yeah, I've taken it. It's all right. It's just that I specified that we...

Hello. I'm sorry. You know, I'm so sorry. Did I do something wrong?

I put on aftershave this morning. That's something I don't normally do.

Is he sensitive to smells?

Trevor, that's enough.

Pick a number between one and 3,500.

Wha...? Huh?

It's a game. Pick a number.

- Three. - Nope.

Two thousand, four hundred and sixty-four. Sorry, no job.

Trevor, this is Ben. Do you have any actual questions for him?

What kind of aftershave are you wearing?

- Trevor. - What?

This guy thinks retarded people get upset by aftershave. That's brilliant.

How does that work, exactly?

Is it, like, "Oh, no. The smell.

I don't understand where it's coming from. Please, somebody help."

You're not retarded. And don't use that word.

People worse off than you, you know?

That's true. Like retarded people that are forced to wear aftershave.

Sorry. My child has a unique sense of humor.

Do you have kids?

No. I know I don't have any experience,

but I took the course and I'll work very hard. I...

I've been out of work for a while and I could really use this job.

Yeah, but if we're gonna throw down nine bucks an hour

for somebody to wipe my ass, we need somebody who knows how to wipe an ass.

Tell me, Ben, given the opportunity, how exactly would you wipe my ass?

You're being rude.

I think it's a reasonable interview question, given the scope of the job.

True or false? This man has to wipe my ass.

I'd wipe it in such a way that when I was done,

there would be no shit left on your ass.

He's the one.

- Hey. - Hi.

Did you bring them?

Ben, did you bring the divorce papers?

Oh, you know what? Uh, I never got them.

I know you got them. I shoved them under your door.

Right, I got your message about that. That's weird. I don't...

Here's a new set. Here's a pen.

All right, well, I'll take these home and, uh, I'll read them.

Why are you doing this to me?

Do I have to get a court order? I mean, is that really what you want me to do?

I'm not ready, Janet.

It's been two-and-a-half years.

What's the magic number where you wake up and you're finally ready?

Six years? Eight? Eighty?

I'm sorry.

I'm just not ready.

Hello. Come in.

- Hi. - I'll take you on the tour.

What do you know about DMD?

Um...

Uh...

Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. When you get home tonight, google it.

- Yes, I... - I work as the office manager in a bank.

It's a big bank, but I work in a small branch,

which means if I'm late, they notice.

I have to leave here at 8:40, which means you have to be here at 8:40.

You're late, I'm late. I can't be late. No one else to pay the bills.

Every day we stretch his hamstrings, heel cords, IT-bands, hip flexors,

and forearms on the bed. I'll demonstrate that for you.

He sleeps most nights with the C-pap machine to help his breathing.

Trevor's extremely tied to his routine. It cannot be disrupted.

If it's disrupted, he'll have a panic attack.

He wakes at the same time every day, he watches TV at the same time every day.

He eats at the same time every day.

Once a week, he goes to the park on Thursdays.

Always on Thursdays. Always from 1 to 4. Exactly 1 to 4.

He only eats waffles and sausage. Two waffles, one sausage.

Breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Not ideal, but it's a battle I'm done fighting and the vitamins fill in the gap.

Hey. Check her out.

Oldest working family farms in Jerome, Idaho...

Would you tap that? Because I would pound that shit into the ground.

His medications are also on a precise schedule.

It's all in this notebook.

Prescription meds, Deflazacort, Losartan, Eplerenone.

Those you absolutely can't miss.

Then the supplements, Protandim, Haelan, omega fatty acids,

calcium, vitamin D, Co Q10, creatine, glutamine, Quercetin,

multi-vitamin, and mega green tea.

Why don't you read the notebook and we'll talk more thoroughly later.

Statistically, Trevor probably has another seven to ten years.

So, let's do everything right, okay?

- I need to hear you say "okay." - Yes. Okay. Absolutely.

Trevor, it's his first day. Please don't make him cry.

- You need anything? - I do, actually.

Could you call the Make-A-Wish Foundation

and tell them I want a blowjob from Katy Perry?

I mean, she kind of has to say yes, right? Think about it.

If she was to reject me, that would a PR nightmare for her.

It'd be a shit storm.

What do we have here? A two-story outhouse.

Aha. Here we go. Idaho Falls, Idaho. Two-story outhouse.

I'm no expert. I definitely think I'd prefer to be on the upper level.

- He apparently... - What is this gem, you ask?

This is a map of your precious country's lamest roadside attractions,

odd museums, bizarre landmarks, and of course anything giant,

- from farm animals to cherry pie. - What's the red star?

That, my friend, is the world's deepest pit. My favorite.

It just sounds so depressing, I love it. Pick a number between one and 3,500.

Go on, Ben. We've got some time to kill. One and 3,500.

- Three. - One-5-5-5. You're not even trying.

But I have some fantastic news, I need to take a dump.

Why is that fantastic news?

Because it's your time to shine. Let's go.

Ow.

I need to take a shit, come on. Come on, be serious.

Take my legs.

How does it make sense to take my legs?

Are you gonna drag me to the toilet? Put them down.

- You all right? - Yeah.

Hold on, hold on.

Do you wanna just shit in your chair, maybe?

Maybe.

Ben. Ben, it's jammed. Ben, help!

Who do you think would win in a fight to the death. Me or a bird?

Help me! Help me!

Help!

How about me versus a lot of birds,

but all the birds also had muscular dystrophy?

I think a bunch of big birds with muscular dystrophy are fucking you up.

- I enjoy this time together. - Me too.

Can I ask you a question?

What?

If you woke up and you were totally... fine...

what's the thing you'd wanna do most?

If I could do anything at all?

I'd really like to take a pee standing up.

Yeah, it's pretty awesome.

Bye.

If somebody tries to rob the bank today, don't be a hero.

I can't promise anything once the adrenalin kicks in.

Fair enough.

Did you arrange these to look like large testicles and a small penis?

- Yep. - Brilliant.

- Enjoy your breakfast. - Thanks.

You never told me what you did before you got into the ass-wiping business.

- I was a writer. - No, you weren't. Really?

Yeah. I wrote a couple of novels you've never heard of.

You're right. So, what is this? Is this, like, research for you?

- Hardly. I'm retired. - You're retired. Right.

Well, man, you should write about me.

Well, that would make for a really interesting read.

Chapter One, Watches TV.

Chapter Two, Eats Waffles.

Chapter Three, Watches TV, Then Eats Waffles.

- It writes itself. - Seriously, I'm your man.

And when you do write about me, I want you to describe me as handsome and cool.

The best stuff is truthful.

Ben Benjamin?

I have something for you.

Hey, wait!

This is a court order!

I know where you live!

You're just in time. The hot chick is on.