Family Guy

¶ it seems today that all you see ¶

¶ is violence in movies and sex on tv ¶

¶ but where are those good old-fashioned values ¶

¶ on which we used to rely? ¶

¶ lucky there's a family guy ¶

¶ lucky there's a man who positively can do ¶

¶ all the things that make us ¶

¶ laugh and cry ¶

¶ he's... A... Fam... Ily... Guy! ¶

Lois, you have a gray hair. What?

Inch-and-a-half left of your part.

Oh, my god, you're right!

You know, I don't mind so much that you're aging,

It's just the way you're shoving it down my throat.

Screw you, peter.

Not today! (laughs) oh, wow!

Mom, dad, is it okay if I invite my new boyfriend

Over for dinner tonight?

Your what?!

Yes, I share your mother's skepticism.

No, really, I have a boyfriend.

His name is anthony.

Well, meg, if you're telling us the truth,

I just hope to god

He's an improvement over the last one.

Thanks, mrs. Griffin, that was delicious.

You're welcome, justin.

It was a pleasure to meet you.

Come on. I'll take you home.

Okay, babe.

He ain't got no legs.

Jolly farm?

I can't believe you still watch this crap.

Man, how can you still watch this, huh?

Huh?!

You know, I can tell you've already been drinking,

And I, I just don't want to engage.

Besides, you can learn a lot

From british nursery rhymes.

¶ ring a ring o' roses, a pocketful of posies ¶

¶ ashes, ashes, we all fall down! ¶

See that was actually written about the bubonic plague.

Oh, didn't know that.

Ooh, ooh, this next one's my favorite.

It's about the pan am flight from lockerbie.

¶ it's raining luggage and babies and limbs ¶

¶ and daddy doesn't come home! ¶

Yay! It's fun to be a child.

Hey, did you read this?

They're gonna be making an american version

Of jolly farm right here in quahog.

Oh, my god, I didn't see that! Gimme!

Good lord, you're right, an american jolly farm!

Oh, there's no picture.

I like the stories that have pictures.

Ooh, like this one.

"seven dead in mumbai. " I like their hats.

Lois, get in here!

: Meg's boyfriend.

But there's, there's nothing wrong with him.

Mom, where's my...?

Quagmire, get over here. You gotta see this.

He seems to be completely normal.

All: Oh...!

I can honestly say for the first time

That I am attracted to our daughter.

This must be what other fathers feel like.

This was worth the 500-mile drive.

Well, it was very nice meeting you, anthony.

You, too, mrs. Griffin.

Thanks for having me over for dinner.

Come on, peter.

I think anthony wants some time alone with meg.

Who doesn't want some time alone with meg these days?

Right, meg?

Has anybody ever told you you're pretty enough

To be a movie star, mrs. Griffin?

Oh, my goodness. Well, I don't know about that.

Penelope ann miller, nancy travis,

Now those are movie stars.

Look, anthony, trust me,

She ain't what she used to be, all right?

Once you get those pants off,

It's like two sagging pressed hams and a slice of pizza.

Oh, thank you, peter,

That makes me feel terrific.

Anyway, good night, kids.

Good night, mom. Good night, dad.

Ah-ah-ah, on the lips.

Yes!

Do you think your parents liked me?

Yeah. Can we make out now?

Oh, I forgot my...

Oh, my god, that's kind of hot.

Mmm, I bet you taste like mountain dew and starburst.

All right, wish me luck on my audition, brian.

If anyone deserves to be on jolly farm, it's me.

Sorry, all the boys can go home.

We only have one part left for a little girl.

What?!

No! No, that's impossible!

Oh, that's too bad, stewie.

Well, I guess we can go home now.

But I don't want to go home!

I want to be on jolly farm!

Well, you heard her.

They're only auditioning little girls.

Now come on. Let's get out of here.

I suppose you're right; nothing I can do.

Okay, our next young actress on the audition list is

Karina smirnoff.

: Hello, everyone!

(girlish englishb. Accent): Thank you all so much

For squeezing me in for an audition.

So, should we just jump in?

Sure. When you're ready.

All right, let me just get into character.

I'm a bit distracted.

I wasn't expecting we'd do this today

In light of the circumstances. What circumstances?

Oh, dear god, didn't you hear? The bomb.

The bomb that went off in times square.

: All those poor people... Dead!

Oh, my god, my cousin works in times square.

Well, your cousin is fine because I was acting!

That's impressive!

Oh. Wow! Risky, very risky!

All right, fun's over. What do you want me to read?

We want you to read your new contract!

you mean it?!

Absolutely! You're hired!

Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh!

Well, I guess sometimes you're just right for the part.

Like james earl jones playing darth vader.

So, james, we just want you to do the voice.

Thanks for taking time for me today, bonnie.

I just didn't know who else to talk to.

Oh, that's okay, lois. What's on your mind?

Well, you're gonna think I'm an awful person,

But I'm attracted to another man.

Giggity?

It's meg's boyfriend, anthony.

: Giggity...

It's just that, lately,

Peter's been making me feel so crappy about my age, and...

Well, then I'm around anthony,

He looks at me like I'm young and attractive.

I'm gonna tell you a secret, lois.

I had an affair once.

you had an affair?!

Mm-hmm. It wasn't anything sordid.

Just some guys I met on the internet.

The point is, it's healthy to explore your sexuality.

Oh, I don't know.

It just feels like I'm lying to peter...

Like jesus lied to the meek.

All right!

Jesus and the jocks win again!

Hey! You said we were gonna inherit the earth.

Yeah, when we're done with it!

Hello there.

Hello.

Um, I'm new in town and I'm awfully lonely.

I'm wondering if you wouldn't mind buying me a drink?

Well, that'd be my pleasure.

And maybe later I can show you some

Of the local points of interest.

There's one right below the table.

Oh, my, you're very bold.

Well, when your lifespan is 13 years, you gotta be direct.

Lucky for you, I like bold men.

Karina, karina smirnoff.

Brian, brian steel.

Ooh, good heavens!

Man, your accent is sexy.

Oh, this is all moving very quickly.

I'm afraid I'm a little light-headed.

You must think I'm a fool.

I'm-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on too strong.

Oh, that's all right.

I've been missing a man's touch

Lo these many months.

And I've been missing a woman's touch.

: Brian, brian, it's me, stewie!

Oh, my god, that was hilarious!

You really fell for it!

I-I was, like, "is he gonna fall for this?"

And then when you did, I was like,

"I guess I should see how far I can take it

'cause you know, it'll be funnier."

I'm gonna kill you!

Why are you dressed like that?!

Uh, because I'm the star of jolly farm.

Remember how they only needed little girls?

Oh, my god.

I'm telling lois.

You're not telling anybody, friend.

No, no, you're gonna be my on-set guardian.

You're out of your mind.

Brian, we both know I touched it.