Brooklyn Nine-Nine

I called you here

to discuss where we are with operation 225641441636324.

What?

- I assigned a numerical value to each letter

in the word "pimento," which I then squared.

Oh, captain.

How dare you try and sneak math into this?

Peralta.

Update us on Santiago's undercover prison operation.

- Yeah, she has made contact with Jimmy figgis' sister,

but it's slowgoing.

I hope she comes back soon.

Aww. You miss her?

- No, I lost the key to her apartment,

and I'm taking care of her fish.

They're all dead already, aren't they?

- Yeah. - Damn it.

- Our priority is still finding figgis' agent in the FBI.

I think it's time for me to call in a favor

from an old colleague at the bureau, Bob Anderson.

I would've contacted him sooner, but this is a rogue op,

and he's a real stickler for the rules.

He once picked up a penny off the street, which he then

reported on his taxes.

- Sounds like a barrel of laughs.

Fortunately, he isn't.

We worked together back in the day and really hit it off.

- We're going to be here a while.

Would you like to talk?

I'd rather not.

Agreed.

Oh, man.

A secret FBI meet up?

I love this!

Look at all those idiots.

They have no idea what's about to go down.

- You mean that woman and her baby?

Yep. Idiots.

Oh, here comes Bob.

Please behave.

Hello, Bob.

Good to see you.

And you. Apologies.

It's inappropriate for me to partake in such

informal conversation in front of your detectives.

- It's all right. I am equally to blame.

Oh, my god.

There's two of them.

- So, Raymond, what evidence do you have

that there's a dirty agent in the FBI?

Let's see the file.

We don't have a file.

You're working file-less?

- We saw the guy commit a felony.

He tried to have a cop killed.

Crazy hot cop.

Well, he's a specific type.

Look, the guy we're looking for was wearing a ski mask,

but he's about 5'10". Caucasian.

He's got a big scar on his right hand.

We've been calling him scarjo, like the actress,

Scarlett Johansson.

What? An actress?

I didn't know that was where that was from.

Bob, I'm so sorry.

- No, I'll look past it. - Okay.

- There's an agent that matches that description.

His name is Ryan whealon.

You think you could ID him if you saw him?

- Oh, yeah. I'd recognize that scar from 20 miles away.

- You must have fantastic vision.

Or it's a gigantic scar.

I was clearly exaggerating.

Why do you have to ruin everything?

- Dr. Schwartz, I'm here for my appointment.

Hello, Cortez. Shabbat shalom.

"Shabbat shalom"?

- I don't know. Jake made me Jewish.

So how are things going with maura?

Well, I'm part of her crew,

but she still won't talk about her past.

- So, what kind of stuff did you used to do in New York?

- What's with all the questions, Regis?

- Actually, it's Michael strahan now.

She's so scary.

I saw her pull her own tooth out and throw it into a woman's eye.

- Yeah, that's bad. So guess what.

Genevieve just texted.

We're gonna hear about our adoption any minute.

- I thought you were doing fertility treatments.

- We are, but it's not going well.

The doctor said my sterility is so aggressive,

it may have spread to her. - Okay.

But, adoption! Charles, that's amazing!

- I know! - Oh, no.

- What? - Maura.

- Anyway, Ms. Cortez, your vagina looks great.

Mazel.

- Did you see this morning's newspaper?

No. I get all my news

from a text message chain with my friends.

The Attorney General might step down!

I'm kidding. It's a gif of a rabbit eating spaghetti.

- There's an article about the nine-nine's monthly crime rate.

Those numbers aren't supposed to be public until next week.

- Terry, you're gonna have to be more interesting

if you want to get an "oh, dang."

- There's a leak in the nine-nine!

Oh, dang.

- I presented those numbers in a morning briefing,

but I can't imagine anyone would be stupid enough to leak 'em.

- Really, Terrence? Look how dumb they are.

- Ugh! - D'aww!

Printer's fixed.

Oh, dang.

- Tell peralta whealon's approaching.

Here comes the douche bag.

Gray suit. Act natural.

Wow, look at that. What a great magazine.

- Sir, if you're interested, the new issue of "clown boobies"

just came in. I can unpack the box for you.

What?

Oh. Haha.

Actually, no. I need last month's.

There's a particular clown...

Booby... That I'm looking for.

What is peralta doing?

- He appears to be rifling through

"clown boobies magazine."

Whoa!

Stupid butterfingers.

- It's all right. - Thank you.

Here you go.

- Thank you. Thank you so, so much.

Not thank you. Not thank you at all, you dirtbag.

Hey, Cortez!

What's going on with you and that doctor?

You seem real tight with him.

- No, we're not tight. I barely know him.

So why were you hugging him?

- My last appeal got denied, so he was comforting me.

He's a sensitive guy. Maybe because of his Jewish faith.

- I want to talk to him. Alone.

- Oh. About something medical? Or...

- What did I tell you about asking too many questions?

- Right. That's that thing you killed a bunch of bitches for.

Ah. Got it. Sorry.

- We've been watching this guy all day.

Can't believe we haven't even arrested him yet.

We know he's the guy.

We have to build a case first.

4:13 P.M. subject finishes his coffee. Or tea.

Mark the beverage as "unknown."

Detectives.

What does the FBI database

tell us about whealon and figgis?

- Both of their files were completely wiped.

I've never seen that before.

- Yeah, that's because he's guilty,

and we're just sitting here watching him eat a peach.

That's a nectarine.

- It's either a nectarine or a peach.

Just write "unknown stone fruit."

- There can't just be digital files.

There must be hard copies.

- Those are all under lock and key in the archives.

If I asked for clearance, they could alert him.

Interesting.

So what you're saying is our only option

is to break into the FBI and steal the file.

Bob, I apologize for the absurdity.

I see no absurdity.

Actually, i think peralta's right.

Let's plan a heist.

Bob?

- Blueprints for the New York headquarters of the FBI.

Is in the archive room, here, in the basement.

- We will be represented by these things I had in my pocket.

All I had was lint. Just a pocketful of lint.

Everybody remember what your lint looks like.

My lint is approximately 1 centimeter in diameter.

My lint is blue. - My lint is oblong.

My lint is approximately 1/2 centimeter in length.

My lint is also blue.

- Wow, so no pushback on the lint thing? This is great.

- Now, I can give you clearance to get in the front door,

but getting into the archive is another matter.

- If I go into this bathroom, i could climb through this vent,

drop down into the archive room, and steal the file.

How are you gonna get out?

- Pull myself back up the way I came in.

What? I can do a pull-up. Terry will teach me.

- This whole area is video-monitored

by this guard here.

- I can distract him with conversation.

What do you know about him?

Watches a lot of TV.

I heard him mention "sex and the city."

- Then I will discuss both of those shows with him.

- Ooh. "Sex and the city" is one show.