Father Figures

Well, good news.

I found your car keys.

That's where I left them.

Oh, you know, you have the prostate of an 18-year-old.

Nice! I'd rather have his dick, but you get what you get.

Next time, buy me dinner first.

That's a good one.

I like that joke.

I hadn't heard that before.

Come on. Why do I have to go?

Because...

It's his weekend and you're not missing your grandmother's wedding.

It's no fun there.

Last time he made me watch an entire Super Bowl from 1979.

Who watches a 30-year-old football game?

He's always angry or pissed off...

Don't say that about your father.

It's not my fault he's an asshole.

We're not having this discussion. Go get your bag.

Pick Enterprise. We'll pick you up.

In New York City...

The dedicated detectives who investigate

these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad

known as the Special Victims Unit.

These are their stories.

Hello.

Ah, there you are.

Hello.

- Hey, Peter. - Sweetheart.

Mom, you look radiant.

- Thank you. - Hi, Sheila.

These are for Mom's bunions...

If you want her on her feet in two hours you'll make sure she wears those.

Thank you, darling. That was sweet.

You know, Peter,

if ever you start questioning your sexuality,

I'd love to introduce you to my son, Jason.

He's got a tight little butt.

I'll be downstairs if you need me.

- Thank you, Sheila. Wow.

Good to know.

Good for Jason.

Where's Ethan?

He's here somewhere. Happy as a clam.

Oh, don't be discouraged.

You're a great dad.

Just love him

and be there for him.

And maybe loosen up a little.

I'm loose.

I mean...

I'm loose, whatevs.

Have you seen your brother yet?

Oh, you invited him?

Life is so crazy, man.

One minute, you're napping in Maui, unemployed,

uneducated, 30 bucks to your name...

The next minute, some guy's walking up to you

asking if he can put your picture on a barbeque sauce bottle.

And the next minute...

They're giving you three cents for every bottle they sell.

And the next minute they're selling 30 million of these bad boys.

And then the next minute...

You're wearing a white leather jacket

and white high-tops to your mom's wedding.

Pete!

It is so good to see you.

I haven't seen this guy in two years.

Four. Actually.

Has it been that long?

Shut the front door. Are you messing with me?

He loves messing with me.

- Are you messing with me? - I'm not.

God, you got to come over to Hawaii. When are you gonna visit?

- Yeah. - Hey, Kaylani! Come here!

I want you to meet someone really special to me.

Someone I've been sleeping with exclusively for the past six months.

Wow! Six whole months?

That's what I'm saying.

It's really special.

Aloha, Peter.

Hi.

Oh, okay.

I can feel your brother inside you.

I am inside you.

You are?

Yeah.

We're twins.

That's called a Honi.

That is a sacred Hawaiian greeting

that you just got.

Yeah.

Is that right?

So,

how psyched are you for Mom finding true love again?

It's awesome.

God, I just wish Dad could've been here to see this.

Yeah.

Yo, Uncle Kyle!

Yeah?

You got to see this.

What's your boy's name?

It's Ethan.

You gotta meet Ethan. He is the best kid. Come on!

Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?

Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Beautiful! You may kiss the bride.

It's so nice to be here today.

There's a saying in Hawaii that goes

a little something like this...

That translates very simply as...

"Life is alive once more inside of me

"from my love of you. "

And, Gene,

my mother's life is so alive right now

with you inside her.

- Hey, now... - So, I want to raise a toast.

To mean Gene...

And the greatest mom on earth.

Cheers! Hey, I'chaim, everybody!

Thank you, darling.

Cheers!

That went good.

What?

Yes.

- No way! - I'm serious.

Wait, wait, wait. One more thing to say.

Wait, everybody hold on.

Forget about that 70 inch TV we gave you,

because we've got another wedding gift.

You're finally gonna be a grandmother!

- Oh! - Yeah.

Yes!

I mean, a grandmother again!

I'm sorry, Pete.

My life is so perfect!

...an elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit.

These are their stories.

I told you, Detective, I can press charges.

Out of respect for...

Let's cut to the chase, Nigel.

May I call you Nigel?

You see, Nigel...

I know that men have needs.

But when a wife can't fill those needs, men have to look elsewhere.

Yes.

What the fuck?

- I need to talk to both of you guys. - What?

Okay.

Mom, I need to talk to you.

- Oh, okay. - Thanks.

- Boom! What a beauty.

Boy, she is such a good actress.

Hot.

No, no, not her.

Boom.

Now!

Foot fetish.

I like this guy.

No, no, not that.

Don't you see the resemblance?

The resemblance to who?

Our father!

He's alive!

To our father?

Are you on acid right now, Pete?

No, Kyle, look at his birthmark.

Yeah, I'm looking.

Mom, can you tell him this isn't our father?

He isn't your father.

Mom, I've been looking at his picture every day since I was four years old.

That birthmark is unmistakable!

Honey, is everything okay?

Well, Pete has,

lost touch with reality.

The man in the photos I gave you

wasn't actually your father.

Okay, what?

What?

Okay, he was a friend of mine from college.

He was an English exchange student.

He went back after graduation.

I just thought you'd never see him.

He's not my dad?

He was studying to be a botanist, for crying out loud.

He's an orphan,

and then he got colon cancer.

No.

I made up all those stories about your father.

That he was an orphan, that he came from England.

That he died of colon cancer.

- Wow. The truth is...

And I probably should've told you a long time ago...

I think you should have.

I wasn't sure who your father was.

How does that work?

Yeah, how does that work?

Well,

you've got to understand...