Last Train to Christmas

'Good afternoon everybody.

Welcome aboard the 15:05 from St Pancras to Nottingham.

I would like to take this opportunity to welcome you onboard

and wish you all a very merry Christmas.'

No, no, no, no. Not that way, love.

Not that way. Down here.

Good morning, good morning.

Ooh. Hey, d'you want some bubbly?

Sue! Come on.

We're gonna have some bubbly.

They don't do champagne, do they?

They do for Tony Towers.

Here y'are, love.

Can you give us a hand with those there?

Hey, d'you like clubbing?

What? Any weeknight, week night.

Bring this card, tell 'em Tony Towers sent you.

Right, now, everyone...

..who wants to join us for champers? You're all welcome.

Ooh, yes! How many? Yes?

One, three, four, five, six, seven... Tony.

What? What? Tony.

We're gonna have champagne, we're gonna have, er...

What's it... Now That's What I Call Music 5!

Tony, stop it. Stop it! What?! We're celebrating!

Sorry about this. He's just a little over excited.

Don't worry, we'll keep it down.

Oi, you!

Sue! Get off!

Right, let's get this party started, eh?!

Oh, Tony, where you going? They're getting on any minute.

I'll be back before Luton.

But I feel nervous, Tone.

Sue.

Darling.

What you gotta be nervous about?

After what Roger did to me,

he's the one who should be nervous.

Listen,

don't you worry your pretty little head about it.

OK.

Tell you what.

What?

You and me... Hmm.

..can have a little look around Tiffany's when

we're back. It's too much, Tone.

OK, Ratners. I don't need any more presents!

What, you don't like 'em?

It's just sometimes,

it feels like you're showing me off.

Well, what's wrong with that?

You're beautiful. Mmm.

And you're gonna be the new Mrs Tony Towers.

People are interested in what I do.

But we're gonna have a family.

We... we're gonna what?

Well, not right now.

Oh, Jesus Christ. (LAUGHING)

Well, at least I thought we were.

No, right now's probably not the perfect... what?

You know I wanna have ten kids.

Christ! Are we having a family or playing five-a-side?

And I wanna live in Norfolk.

Oooh, that's a commute.

And I want us to wear chunky jumpers and drink soup.

Now that we can do.

I'll be two minutes.

Honestly, I'm not going anywhere.

I'll be here.

Oh, Sue, sorry. D'you- d'you mind sitting here?

I just-

don't like going backwards.

Yeah.

Only for you.

Mwah.

Right, champagne for everyone!

Merry Christmas.

Tickets?

I'm just nipping to the buffet.

Oh, good for you, where's your ticket?

Really?

I'm only gonna be two...

..what?

There was-I had...

My fiancée must have them.

Oh, your fiancée.

Yeah, we're tying the knot in June.

Congratulations. Look, I'm...

..I'm Tony Towers.

Good for you. Now where's your ticket?

I'm famous.

Are you now?

Tell him who I am.

You what? She'll tell you who I am.

I recognise ya.

See?

Are you a carpet fitter?

What?

No, you sell shammies on Bulwell market!

No! I'm... No!

I'm- I'm Tony Towers!

The Astoria in Nottingham!

The what? What's that phrase,

'you're only famous if someone knows who you are'.

Well, we don't know who you are.

It's the biggest club in the midlands.

Where is it again?

Listen, you like music, er...

..Morris. What- what music d'you like?

I like metal.

You play metal at this club? Not so much.

'Luton is your next stop.

Next stop, Luton.' Look, she's waiting for me,

I- I just gotta get... (SIGHS)

Look, my fiancée has never met my brother or his wife.

She's nervous, I just need two minutes

to get to the buffet.

Now, come on, Morris, you're a reasonable man.

You've got tinsel on your head.

The full adult fare is eighteen pounds ninety.

Really? You're really gonna do thi-

Merry Christmas.

Sue, have you seen my tickets?

They were in my wallet... Is that them?

Is that Roger? No, he's ginger.

I can't find... Ginger? How'd that happen?

That's them.

How did they know to stand right there?

Yeah, well, that's Roger for you.

I can't get to the buffet without the tickets.

Oh, Tony, I'm shaking.

It's fine, where are they?

Er, in your wallet?

No, I've looked there!

Are they in your bag?

You won't believe this, Sue. There's a girl,

in the next carriage,

never heard of m- this is crazy!

I need them to get the bubbly!

Oh, Tony. Forget about your silly champagne!

I'm freaking out here!

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry,

I'm sorry. It's alright.

Shhh.

Everything alright?

What d'you mean? I assume this is Sue.

Oh, I was just about to introduce... Well, bit slow aren't you Tony?

I'm Paula. Hello.

Roger's somewhere behind this. Sorry.

I wonder who bought you this?

Don't start. Lovely to meet you. Shouldn't I put it next to

my present from Auntie Vi? Oh, here we go.

Hang on a minute, I can't do that because I've already packed it

right at the bottom of my suitcase.

You know about this? No.

Tone seems to think that our Auntie Vi always bought me better presents.

There hasn't been a single... 'Seems to think'?!

One year he gets a guitar.

I get a pineapple.

It's hard to get back then.

Are you two going to sit down? A pineapple.

Thirty years ago,

and he's still going on about it.

Oh, sorry, Paula. I was- d'you mind-

I was gonna be sitting there. Tone, don't.

I don't like going backwards. Just sit down.

Wow.

I like her already.

It's lovely jewellery.

Oh, thank you.

Been splashing out, Tone?

Well, things are certainly busy.

Got six new clubs opening.

Six? (CHUCKLES)

He's got six new clubs opening. Gotta be ambitious, Roger.

I've always told you that.

Six, though? And we're upgrading Nottingham.

Ten thousand square feet,

five minutes from Market Square.

What about Gary De Courcey's place?

Gone.

What? Fire.

Oh. You're kidding.

I'm not.

Why's that so funny?

Well, nightclubs never 'burn down'.

It's always an insurance job. Always.

Well, even with Gary gone,

I still think it's a bit much, Tone.

Well, if you beg me...

..I might just let you come back.

Aw.

Oh, no, no. That- that's really not gonna happen Tony.

I'm very happy.

He's gonna try and convince you now that he's still in show business.

I'm in the music business.

Oh yeah? Hardly.

What do you do, Roger? Those headphones that broke