Not Going Out

What's up with you? You look like a Borrower eating a Bourbon.

Come on, tell me.

It's nothing, you'll call me stupid.

Did I call you stupid when you lost all that money to me at poker?

No, you said, "Don't give up, have another Tequila.

"And let's pretend that clothes are money."

Come on, Lucy, what is it?

I think I'm pregnant.

How?

Forget what your mum told you - she was lying.

It's nothing to do with cabbage leaves or storks.

It was a penis.

Sorry!

Look, this is really weird, I don't know how it happened.

I haven't - you know - for ages.

Are you sure? Sorry? I mean, maybe you've been in a situation where you

think you've done nothing but you've been a bit drunk and you know...

I don't drink to the extent where I can't remember having sex.

I'm not... you.

Well, maybe someone, you know...

It happens. You're in a pub, without your knowledge something is slipped in your...

I mean drugs. Oh.

No, of course not.

So how do you know you're pregnant?

A woman knows.

Which woman?

Me.

My breasts are much larger than usual and they're very tender.

What else?

- I'm late. - Oh, go on, another five minutes.

My period is two weeks late.

Ooh, that's the end of that game.

I'm going to see the doctor next week.

You haven't even seen one yet?

- So why are we fretting that there's an immaculate muffin - in the bread bin, Mary?

I'm pregnant, I know it.

Yeah. Course you are.

I'll see you in the maternity wing in nine months.

Don't worry about directions, I'll follow the star.

Tim, stop worrying.

It's probably just one of those phantom pregnancies.

Listen, trust me. My sister's always right.

About everything. If you don't believe me, ask Mum and Dad.

They'd believe her if she said I was pregnant.

So would I.

There's not more to this story, is there, something you're not telling me?

What's that supposed to mean?

- I'm gonna ask you something and I'll know if you're not - telling the truth.

How? Cos I'm very good at reading body language.

If you're that good why haven't you stopped talking, got your coat and buggered off home?

I'm not joking. I know when you're lying. All right.

Ask me what me mum's maiden name is.

What's your mum's maiden name? Peterson.

You're telling the truth. No, I'm not, I'm lying.

Look, have you slept with her or not? Yeah, but don't tell my dad.

Lucy! Of course I haven't.

- Well, you're the only bloke she's been near for the last few months. - I'm her lodger.

I know, it's just you hear about these urban myths, maybe they're true.

You know, about girls getting pregnant in weird ways.

Like from being in a Jacuzzi.

God, you can tell you went to a posh all-boys school.

You must have heard this. A man goes into a Jacuzzi or a swimming pool and...

..entertains himself without the company of a woman.

You're a real man's man, aren't you?

The man gets out, a woman gets in...

Yeah, all right I get the idea.

You and Lucy don't share bath water, do you?

Yeah, and on Sundays we do the spuds in there, too. Course not.

Can't really get pregnant like that, can you?

Well, it doesn't matter because you don't share bath water, do you?

Do you?

Look, a few weeks ago... I don't believe this.

You don't need to panic.

- It's not you picturing a snotty three-year-old - with Lucy's eyes and your face.

Better than a snotty three-year-old with Lucy's breasts and my testicles.

This isn't funny. Go on.

A few weeks ago, I went into the bathroom to have a shower.

Agh! Agh!

Have you heard of knocking?

Have you heard of locking?

Have you heard of eviction? That doesn't rhyme.

Just get out!

I didn't see anything!

All right, I saw the headlights but not the... bunny. Pardon?

Sorry, I ran over a rabbit last week, I can't get it out my head.

That stupid bathroom lock you bought doesn't work.

You're just not using it properly.

Yo, get out of here. I'm doing a poo-poo!

What's all this?

It's called a bath.

Here in the south we have a different place for storing coal.

What's with all the candles? Didn't know it was your birthday.

Oh, no, there's only 37.

What do you want, Lee? I need a shower. Oh, I didn't know it was your birthday.

- You'll have to wait. I can't. I'm - meeting Tim in half an hour. You know how he is if people are late.

He'll get all teary and start looking for a policeman. Well, be quick.

I've finished my poo-poo.

Hey, scram - I'm on the can!

"Add a little of this Tuscan fig oil to your bath water

"and you too can feel like a sun-drenched Mediterranean princess."

What kind of idiot falls for this rubbish?

Oh, that's nice.

Ah, tell you what, if I had some Jaffa cakes now, life would be perfect.

Well, carry on.

What? You know damn well what. Did you?

Course I didn't. Lee, this is important. You cannot get pregnant like that.

Well, it doesn't matter, does it, because you didn't do anything.

Tell me the truth now.

Actually it is Peterson.

Oh, God! You got my little sister pregnant.

I was gonna run her a fresh bath, but I fell asleep,

I always do after... I don't want the details!

The next thing I know I woke up in a panic, cos she was

banging on the door saying she was gonna be late, so I just got out.

I'm sorry, Tim, but I was thinking of her.

I don't mean... I'm gonna have to tell her what's happened.

Don't. I'll deal with it.

All right, but you better had.

You can't tell her. I don't know

what she'd be most angry about,

the fact that I may have accidentally got her pregnant or the fact that I told you first.

It's the first one, isn't it?

You're late. I do clean other people's houses, you know.

Must be a nice change for you coming here then.

Who rattled your cage?

Who opened yours?

Oh, I see, still thinking about Lucy being pregnant.

We don't know that she's pregnant.

Women know. So I keep hearing. How do they know?

It's a feeling you get, you feel irritable.

I feel irritable now but I'm not pregnant.

Yeah, but your man boobs aren't all tender, are they?

They're not man boobs. That's true, they're more like women's boobs.

Maybe you're right. How can she be pregnant if she's claiming she hasn't had sex in ages?

Exactly. Funny, isn't it, this reproductive thing?

Actually I saw an interesting programme on the telly last night.

Apparently there's a type of insect called the water-spawning dragonfly which mate in the most amazing way.

The male lands on the water and deposits his seed,

then the lady spawning dragonfly

sort of swims round where the male was

and lo and behold she becomes pregnant, wow!

Can you imagine... if a human being could get pregnant like that?

No way, that would be impossible, wouldn't it?

Have you been wanking in the bath?

What? Is that what you're asking me?

No.

Yes.

I was gonna run her a fresh bath but I fell asleep!

What?

I wish people would stop acting like I've been strangling kittens or...

Choking chickens.

We all do it, even you.

I beg your pardon.

Oh, come off it, Barbara, look me in the eyes and tell me... In fact don't, I'll be sick.

Well? What?

Is it possible for a woman to get pregnant like that?

Course not. You sure?

Yes, it's impossible.

I knew it.

Well, virtually impossible.

What do you mean "virtually"? That doesn't help.

That's like finding out your girlfriend's virtually legal.

All I'm saying is, it's possible for sperm to survive outside the body in certain temperatures.

What temperatures? Like when it's frozen.

Well, the bath water wasn't frozen, was it?

Obviously not, or you wouldn't be able to get your hands underneath to have a... Yeah, all right!

Is it possible or not?

Excuse me, I am not a scientist.

I am a cleaner. I don't know if you've noticed.

Not really, no.

Oh, God, what am I gonna do?

Look, you don't even know if she's pregnant yet. Wait till she's seen the doctor.

This is like when I was waiting for my university results.

All right, polytechnic.

All right, catering college.

Yeah? What did you learn there? How to put buns in ovens?

Look, she can find out quicker, you know.

How? Get a pregnancy kit.

Ha! I think it's clear I've already got one of those.

What's that? I got you a present.

What lovely wrapping paper.

Ah, look, you've even written a message. "Every little helps."

A pregnancy test? Yeah. What are you doing?

It's my body, Lee, don't you think that maybe this is something I should have got for myself?

Would it help if you gave me the money?

Anyway I don't need to do a test.

I've come round to your way of thinking - it's impossible for me to be pregnant.

Well, you might be. Why don't you just do it? Put both our minds at rest.

Why are you suddenly so concerned?

Well, it affects me, doesn't it?

- Does it? Of course it does. It's clear this flat isn't big - enough for three of us.

And I don't really want to be lumbered with a baby when you move out.

Go on, just for a bit of fun, go in the toilet, wee on the stick.

SHE SCREAMS

Agh!

Oh, God, now the bunny!

You know this stupid gangster lock?

Well, I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse. What?

You have one week to change it or I'm going to shove it up your... Yeah, all right.

Well? You have to wait a few minutes.