Big Mouth

All right, my lady dudes. Time for soccer.

I love working with you, Miss Whistle.

I blow into your mouth, and you scream out your keister.

...

Banter. - Go Jesse!

Love you, Jelly Bean. - Guys! We're just warming up!

So your parents are here together. That's probably a good sign, right?

Oh, please. It's bullshit.

My dad's living in the basement, my mom's dating a woman.

Oh, okay. Argh!

I am playing it cool, but some of that is new information.

This isn't even real soccer. - What? 'Cause they're girls?

Uh, yeah, sports are played by men, starving dogs, and juiced up horses.

I can't believe Jesse dumped you. - Oh no. That's fake news.

What? - She didn't dump me. I dumped her.

Uh, Nick?

...

... Whoa!

Boobs. - Boobs!

Where did those come from?

Below the neck... above the waist. - Boobs!

It's definitely them. - They're looking right at me.

Boys are so gross.

Wow! That uniform is doing something different.

You're just doing exactly what they're doing.

You're objectifying her. - Oh!

But she looks really good, right? - Yeah.

Those boobs! They're too awesome. Watch out! I'm coming in hard.

Real hard! I'm going down!

I can't feel my legs.

I have to go to the bathroom right now.

Kill me. Somebody kill me.

I don't want to live my life in a chair.

It's not all bad. You can do Disney world in an hour and a half.

MORNING ANNOUNCEMENTS WITH MATTHEW

Breaking news:

Boob fever, which is not breast cancer,

is sweeping Bridgeton Middle School.

Patient zero is Gena Alvarez.

Gena has tested positive for big tits.

I took to the hallways to get some uninformed opinions.

I wonder what the new girl's nipples look like.

Um, she's not new.

She's been going to school with us since first grade.

They're probably the same color as her mouth, right?

Nips match lips. That's what my brothers always say.

This might be controversial, but I'm gonna come out as pro boobs.

They're a beautiful paradox,

both weightless and heavy at the same time.

I heard she has to wear two sports bras.

I would literally kill a man, a decent hard-working family man...

...for the chance to touch those big mushy breasts.

When does this air?

Why is everybody so obsessed with boobs?

I love them. I love them so much,

'cause whistles, they're on strings,

so when you accidentally swallow 'em,

you can yank 'em right back out.

...

... -

My boobs don't even bounce when I run.

And your taters are growing in uneven.

One's a Yukon Gold,

one's a little fing-a-ling. - ...

... Oh my God! You guys! DeVon broke up with me.

Oh, holy heck. Another broken heart. That really stinks.

I'll bet he dumped me for Gina and her slutty boobs.

Uh-- - Big boobs aren't even that great.

Right, Lola? - Yeah.

You know, my mom wrote me a check to get a breast reduction,

but, I spent it on a Pretty Little Liars meet and greet.

That sounds like a good investment. Look, you should all calm down.

We already live in a society...

...that fixates on the female form, and a psychologically--

Listen, decimating way to many young women.

Boo, feminism. I am not with her.

Okay, well, anyway-- - Magga.

I read somewhere that no one likes their boobs.

I don't mind my boobs. - What boobs?

You're flatter than the earth, flat-so.

What? - Lola!

Actually, the earth is not flat. - Tell my pastor that.

Missy, I wish I didn't have to wear a bra.

What is that? An undershirt?

It's Kirkland Signature. They also make water.

That's sweet.

You're actually very lucky to be totally completely flat.

Boys will never bother you,

'cause you know, there's nothing there, right?

Uh... Yeah. I guess I am lucky.

I'm pretty actually lucky too, because, like,

remember the Pretty Little Liars meet and greet?

Gina? Ooh! She got such a bangin' body, bro.

You love her. You want to marry those boobs.

I would 100% marry her boobs.

It would be a tasteful ceremony. Catered, open bar,

but wine and beer only. I'm not made of money.

I now pronounce you man and boobs.

You may motorboat the bride.

Mazel tov!

I love you so much.

Hey, look at me! I'm Gina. - Jay!

I have huge jugs. - Jay!

I'm tucking my penis between my legs.

I'm definitely not doing this again when I get home.

You're pinching it so tight.

Just kidding. I'm Jay now, guys.

And my dick, whoo, feels amazing.

All right boys, let's-- Oh no!

There's a naked lady in here.

Did I walk into the triangle body locker room again?

Coach Steve, that's Jay. - Jay's a naked lady?

What? No.

Have you never seen a naked woman before?

It's on my to-do list. - What?

Sorry, let's just fill in some blanks real quick.

You're 47... - Yeah.

...but you never seen a naked woman. - No way!

Let's put aside for just a moment that you are our sex ed teacher.

I'm your guy. - Coach Steve...

...have you ever had sex? - What?

Of course not. I'm not a mommy or a daddy.

Yeah, come on. What do I look like?

You do know you can have sex without having a baby.

Are you messing with me, Matthew?

Oh, bless your heart, you un-sharpened pencil.

Speaking of sharpened pencils,

Oh, boy. I might have to break off the tip.

Ooh! I'm flat as a cheese board.

Missy, if you're a cheese board,

then I'd happily be the Manchego...

...and dried apricots that rest upon you.

Oh, thanks, Nathan Fillion.

That's very sweet of you to say.

Ha! Too bad it's bullshit! - What?

You look like a boy! -

Jeez Louise. Your chest is concave. It's like a spoon.

My mom says I'm going to develop in my own time.

Ha! You fell for that? - Holy heck!

You're ugly and stupid!

My mom wouldn't lie to me. She's my best friend.

Best friend? What a bleeping loser.

Your hope is embarrassing.

Don't listen to her, Missy. I find your hope winning.

What do you know, Fillion?

You're just a sex symbol for nerds and geriatrics.

Gasp! - And you have way more hair...

...than you really need. - Do I? I've wondered that before.

You make me sick. - Oh! You're really mean.

I'm honest! Take a hard look in the mirror, lady.

You look like an understuffed scarecrow in those Baby Gap overalls.

I'm just more focused on function than fashion... I guess.

News flash:

Nobody wants to see that bummer of a body.

Holy Schnikes. - Cover it up, you sock puppet.

Maybe I should. - Do you have one...

...in size big boy fatty barrel-chest fatso?

It's for a friend.

So, how's Jesse holding up?

I cannot believe she ran away with Jay.

It's a real cry for help.

Remember when Judd ran away and then came back a week later?

How do you know I'm the original Judd?

If you were an impostor, I'd love you even more.

I'm pretty sure Jesse's fine. We've been focused on...

... some other things.

Two things in particular. -

What are you little perverts talking about?

Oh, it's nothing.

There's this new girl at school. - Well, she's not new.

But let's just say her body is.

Hey, we're talking tits? Sorry I'm late. Traffic was terrible.

But you had time to stop for coffee.

Joke's on you. I brought this from home.

So what-- - I reused the cup.

Now, hold on.

You boys don't just like this girl for her body, do you?

No. - No, she has a nice face, too.

Have you even spoken to her?

Yes, Leah.

I've spoken to her. -

Hey, if you're sick, you know, just stay home.

Okay, let's say I do like her breasts. I mean, what's wrong with that?

Well, there's nothing wrong with it per se.

I mean, even I can appreciate a nice set of boobs.

Ah!

This is vodka. - Listen, you want me sharp or what?

But it's how you guys are talking about it.

I'm sorry, you look at boobs, like, in a lesbian way?

No.

Women just admire each other's bodies...

...in a way that men don't. - Exactly.

Andrew, I think the mother and the sister are about to fuck.

Do you not know their names? We're over here all the time.

Sorry, yes. Lexi and Rita are about to fuck.

So, I just want to clarify. It's okay for us to like boobs?

Yes, but you can't treat a woman like her boobs are all she is.

And if you're really interested in this girl, get to know her.

Uh-huh. Get to know her. Perhaps I shall.

Argh! Don't say it like that, Dr. Tiny.