Little Mosque on the Prairie

- I think I see the problem. - Great. What is it?

The knob won't turn.

I already knew that part.

No problem. I know what to do.

Ah! More of the same.

Why didn't I think of that?

Because you are not a professional.

Come on! Ah!

Yasir, your head isn't going to explode, is it? I just mopped up the floor.

This is nothing. You should see me trying to open a jar of olives.

I don't even like olives.

That's not really the point, Amaar.

Yasir. Why don't you go get your toolbox? Or maybe a can of oil?

You know what we call people like you in the fix-it business?

- Helpful? Logical? Rational? Lucid? - Quitters.

I pour oil on this thing, I may as well just say,

"I give up. I am no longer a man".

You just don't want to walk all the way to your office and get your toolbox.

That too. Let me have one more go.

Ooh! Ah!

Do you want help back up or will that make you less of a man?

Help would be good.

Season 1 Episode 16 Ear for Trouble

And so, the month of Ramadan

is truly the holiest time in the Muslim year.

It's about more than just fasting.

Lies, gossip, anger... all should be avoided.

Which isn't easy when your blood sugar levels are going haywire.

- Assalamu alaikum. - Wa alaikum assalam.

Well, well. A good sermon for once.

Yes, I noticed a lot less twitching from your part of the room.

Very appropriate for the people around here.

A rule against lying? Good luck with your contracting business.

Well... rule. Anything can sound like a rule if it's taken out of context.

And no more gossipping. How will you live?

Oh please. If you think I gossip,

- you should hear... - Mom! That's gossip.

Well, you think talking behind anyone's back is gossip, right?

Yes. Let's go over here...

You know, Baber, there was also something in there about anger.

- Mmm-hmm. - I wonder who that was aimed at?

Well, uh, let's see who else is coming out then.

Uh, you do fly off the handle once in a while.

Me? Ridiculous! I am the perfect Muslim.

- Did I also mention vanity? - I am not vain.

I am not angry. You have not even seen me angry!

You would not like me when I am angry.

- He's like this every Ramadan. - He's like this every day.

Actually... yeah.

You know, I prefer a good detective thriller myself.

Hmm!

Donations are up this Ramadan. I'm thinking of getting a new carpet.

Oh, finally! New rugs to pray on.

You know, the old ones are so worn I scraped my knee.

Well, I would hate to see you retire from Islam because your knees are shot.

Can we get ones like this with lines on it so that when we pray, we're all in a row?

Proper Muslims...

- prefer plain carpets for prayer. - Try saying that six times fast.

Nothing too soft.

When I bend down they should be coarse enough to abrase the skin.

Okay. We're there to pray, not exfoliate.

You... you made me lose my place.

Whoa, guys! Guys.

Maybe both of you should remember my sermon.

The one I just gave.

Not getting angry, etcetera.

- Oh yes. Right. - Right. Hmm.

Okay. Here's what we're going to do.

Whoever can prove, by their actions,

to live up to the lessons of my Ramadan sermon,

so shall they be selected to buy the new carpet.

"So shall they be selected"? What are you? Charlton Heston now?

You know I hear they're doing wonderful things with AstroTurf these days.

I thought you said you were going to fix my door.

Didn't I?

Well, you're holding a piece of the door, I guess you haven't fixed it yet.

I'm all over it.

Yasir, you really have to work on telling the truth.

- I'm all over it. - I'm serious.

If you're going to get cheap office space around here,

you have to start acting like an honest Muslim.

Amaar, I appreciate your veiled threats but a leopard can't change his spots.

It can if it wants cheap office space.

Now, if I ask if you fixed the door, why don't you just say no?

Just like that? Just say no?

Or you could say: "No. But I'll get it done by Friday".

Okay. Let me ask you this.

What if I have never had any intention of fixing your door?

Then just say: "I have no intention of ever fixing your door. "

I have no intention of ever fixing your door.

- That was easy, wasn't it? - Surprisingly, yes.

- Great. That aside... - Enough learning for one day.

I went by your office and I couldn't find the knob. And now you're out here.

Don't mind her. She's trying to get on my good side.

I just came by to pray, like a good Muslim.

Like a good carpet-buying Muslim.

Well, I'm going to give you a point for praying

but I'm going to deduct a half a point for that knob joke.

Oh! I have half a point. Like most of your sermons.

- Another half point. - Oh!

- Do I have to be here for this? - Uh...

Just came to pray, brother Amaar. Five times a day is never enough.

Save your breath. Rayyan beat you to it.

This is all very interesting but I have some work to do.

Yasir.

None of this is interesting and I need to take a nap.

Right.

Oh...

- If you want a bite, just ask. - Oh, no, I can't eat till after sundown.

Huh? Oh, that's right. I forgot you're fasting.

Well, I... I've only been complaining about it for a week and a half.

Yeah, I'm good at tuning you out.

Boy, whole day without food.

What a wonderful, wonderful, spiritual journey.

Plus, I'm also supposed to give up one of my character flaws.

Oh, so what's your character flaw? Don't tell me. Let me guess.

- Lazy? - What? No, how did you get that?

- Selfish? - No!

Disorganized? Clumsy? You're not very punctual.

- This isn't fun anymore. - Ooh, sensitive.

- Is it sensitive? - No! I gossip. Okay?

I'm a big gossip and I have to stop.

- You're boring. - No! Just gossip. Ugh!

And you slam doors.

- Ah, Reverend Magee. - Yasir, you look a little sleepy.

Working too hard?

I just woke up from a nap.

Really? I'm surprised.

Actually I nap quite frequently.

No, no. I... I mean, I'm surprised you admit it.

It's thanks to Amaar. I'm a new man. No more pretending. No more lying.

- Good for you. That's the right path. - Thanks.

And by the way, this sweater?

Argh! It's awful.

- Too far down the path. - Duly noted.

I'll tell you this about skipping lunch. It really gives you time to study the Quran.

Yeah! Mm-hm.

I do not have to study the Quran. I've already memorized it.

Sure.

It's not a contest, Baber. Tell him it's not a contest.

Of course it's a bloody contest! That's the whole bloody point.

And who's going to decide this contest?

I am.

And who's between me and my food?

- You are. - Oh.

Thank you.

- He was looking at you. - He was not.

Thanks for your advice, brother Amaar. It's really freed up a lot of time.

People keep missing my point. I really have to improve my sermons.

I'm going to suggest something, even though I know you won't consider it.

Shorter.

- Be serious. - I am.

Maybe anecdotes. Uh,

I could show people that I've gone through the same struggles as they have.

But have you?

You're an imam. You live a sheltered life.

Okay, get this: Last Ramadan,

I went to give blood and they offered me a cookie.

But I didn't take it. Because it was Ramadan.

But I was tempted.

Go with shorter. Shorter, works.

I struggled with temptation.

- I lived in Toronto... - congratulations.

I used to be a lawyer.

I occasionally smoked.

I had my ears fixed.

- You were deaf? - No.

I had an ear job. They were... huge.

Really?

When I passed the bar and posed for my law school photo,

everybody laughed.

Ears only a mother could love.

No, she laughed too.

The point is,

cosmetic surgery is frowned upon by Islam.

- Vanity. - Mmm-hmm.

- Are we talking great big donkey ears? - That's not the point.

The point is: I was once a hard-living, mistake-making machine.

But the ears, they were really big?

Keep it quiet about the ears.

Who would I tell?

- Amaar had an ear job. - Are you serious?

I can't wait to tell people at the office.

I thought you said you wouldn't gossip.

I lied. You're the one who can't lie, not me.

Uh, brother Amaar?

I am making duplicates for your Islamic school.

I'm going to save you so much time.

Great. Keep up the good work.

Great! Keep up the good work.

This machine is deliberately trying to enrage me!

Okay, okay. I'll get Yasir on it.

Let us weigh the pros and cons.

On one hand Yasir does not know how to fix the duplicating machine.

On the other hand he'll never do it.

Actually, Yasir has grown a lot this week.

- And you could learn from him. - Me learn from Yasir?

What is this? Upside down crazy world?

- Baber... - Where flowers grow backwards

and ice cubes make the drink warmer?