World's Greatest Dad

My name is Lance clayton.

My biggest fear in life is that I'm going to end up all alone.

I'm a writer.

I'm a writer, but so far nothing I've written

has ever been published.

Ernest Hemingway once said

all he wanted to do was write one true sentence.

He also tried to scratch an itch on the back of his head

with a shotgun.

I've always dreamed of being a famous author,

of creating an important work...

...something that connected with people and helped them

as they suffered through the human condition...

...also something that made a shitload of cash.

I've written novels, books, magazine articles,

and even children's stories.

All have been rejected.

I did sell a few greeting cards once, though.

It felt pretty good.

I don't find the creative process

in itself rewarding enough.

I have to be honest... I want to reach an audience.

This is my fifth novel.

I've promised myself that if this one is rejected,

I'll give up writing.

Come on, boy, we're late.

Hey, buddy, l...

Kyle?

Oh, fuc... what the fuck?

- God! Kyle? - D-Dad?

- What are you doing? - What are you doing?

- God, I was coming, you fag! - Jesus christ.

- I thought you were dead. - Do you knock? Please!

I knocked. Okay, yep.

- Out! - God, l...

- Get out of my room! - I'm out. I'm going.

- I'm out of here. - You ever heard of privacy?

- You freak! - Yeah, I'm the weird one.

Yeah. Oh, God.

What the fuck?

Dad?

- Dad! - Oh, yeah. Right.

You were up early.

- You're not funny. - Okay.

What a Monday.

Why are we listening to this?

'Cause I like Bruce Hornsby.

Stop it.

Bruce Hornsby is a fag.

- He's got kids, Kyle. - You have a kid.

- Mmm. - And you're a fag.

- Why? Because I like Bruce Hornsby? - Yeah.

Well, put on some music you like. Okay?

No, I fucking hate music.

- You hate music? - Yeah.

- All music? - Yes.

The only thing queerer than music are the people who like it.

All music is gay now? What about heavy metal?

That's probably the faggiest of all the fag music out there.

Kyle, you could have died this morning.

Well... of embarrassment.

What you're doing is dangerous.

What? Beating off?

No no... not... we all have needs, Kyle.

Needs? What... what are you talking about?

Masturbation is natural, okay?

- You know what's not natural? - What?

Talking about jerking off with your dad. That's not natural.

- Shit. - Don't do that, please, okay?

- Why? - Because your feet are dirty.

Because I said so.

- Whoa, let me out here. - Let me park in the lot.

Lance, I'm gonna look like a dillweed walking in with you, all right?

It's bad for my rep.

Don't call me Lance.

It's your name, isn't it? Lance?

Slow down, boys.

'Morning.

Danny.

- Good morning, Lance. - 'Morning Principal Anderson.

- What was that? - Oh, personal mail,

but I used my own postage.

- Mmm. Good. - Right.

May I speak with you for a moment?

Sure.

Your poetry course...

it's not very popular.

- Neither is poetry, sir. - Mmm.

But the few who take it, they get a lot out of it.

Yes yes, I'm sure they do.

But I am sorry... if your class enrollment

doesn't improve by next semester, we're going to have to drop it.

We're only budgeted for one English elective,

and Mike Lane's creative-writing course is quite the hit.

I just wanted to give you a heads up.

Well, thank you, sir.

- Hey, what's going on, Mr. L? - Hey, how you doin', man?

- Good. How are you? - Ready for tonight's game?

- Yeah, you gonna be there? - I'll be there. Of course.

- Good. - Throw a touchdown for me, all right?

- Of course! - Hey, Lancelot!

- What's up, buddy? - Not much, Mike.

All right.

'Morning, Miss Reed.

- Hello, Mr. Clayton. - How are you?

- Good. How are you? - Mmm.

Ahh, my favorite.

I thought teachers weren't supposed to have favorites.

Not favorite students.

I'm a lucky guy.

How does a lump like me get a dame like you?

Don't insult my taste. I'm the lucky guy.

You finished?

Yeah. I wanted you to be the first to read it.

I'm honored.

Really?

Maybe I'll take you someplace fancy for dinner.

How about you come over to my place for something hot and spicy?

- Is that a double entendre? - No.

- I was just going to make you my chili. - Oh.

And then bang you.

Great!

You have a very professional day, Miss Reed.

Right back at you, Mr. Clayton.

- Take care. - Extremely professional day.

Andrew, I want to show you something.

What is it?

Ew, is that woman being crapped on?

Happy birthday. It's fucking German schizer porn.

All right, dude? It's fucking hot, right, yo?

No, dude, what the fuck is wrong with you, yo?

Nothing.

You wouldn't say that if you lived in Europe.

I mean, these Europeans are much more broadminded

than these uptight Americans. Shit's huge in Germany.

Yeah, well, we're not in Europe and I don't like that kind of stuff.

Yeah, I know, that's 'cause you're a fag.

Dude, it's gross.

I'd do it...

to someone.

- Oh. - I would.

I'd chili-dog her.

Hi, Jennifer.

Come on, baby, that pussy's not gonna eat itself.

What the fuck did you just say?

Uh, nothing.

You're a fucking pig.

Wow, okay.

Hold that.

Get off me, you dumb jock!

What are you talking about? I don't even play sports.

- You... - Hey!

Come on, guys, knock it off. Knock it off.

Yeah. Yeah, that's right, bitch.

Oh, you're gonna help me up?

- Come on. - Can't you control that animal?

Now come on, tough guy, let's go.

Let's go, guys. Come on.

Kyle,

what did you say to Jennifer?

Nothing.

He said that her pussy is not going to eat itself.

Do you hear that?

You are... that is rude.

- And you're a pervert. - Be quiet.

Kyle, is that what you said?

No.

Jennifer, chris, get back to class.

Kyle, I need to speak with you and your father.

Kyle, right now you're on academic probation

and your grades show no sign of improvement.

If you don't straighten up,

I'm going to have to expel you.

- Do you understand? - Yes, Mr. Anderson.

I do understand.

Now get out of here. And no more trouble.

Wait for me outside.

Lance,

this isn't easy for me.

What isn't easy, Mr. Anderson?

How's Kyle been acting at home?

I mean, does he seem normal to you?

Oh, yeah.

Oh. You and I both know that sometimes

these things take a long time to surface.

What things?

Well, I think that Kyle's poor grades and acting out

show signs of a serious development problem.