The Resort

- Wait up, I'm coming! - Let's go!

- No. - Don't be lame, Emma.

- Keep your bra on. - Come on!

No, no.

Absolutely not.

I can't think of anything more awful.

- They dump raw sewage in there all the time.

That sea is just teemin' with turds.

It's teemin' with doo-doo.

You know, I had a friend who,

uh, went swimming in these waters,

and he got flesh-eating bacteria, and he died.

- I heard about that. I'm sorry.

- Yeah, no, he had that shit comin'--

out here takin' risks.

Love a good pool, though.

- Pools are wonderful. - Yeah, I like pools.

You want a hot toddy?

- Does it come in a cool thermos?

Oh, my God.

It totally does. - Okay,

then I--then I do.

Okay.

All right.

Here you go.

Thank you.

A hot turdy. - Hot turdy.

- Hot turdy for the dirty turkeys.

I'm Noah, by the way.

I'm Emma.

- Emma. - Yeah.

I just got out of a long-term relationship, though...

Because he died from a flesh-eating virus

that he caught from swimming in that doo-doo water.

- Oh, no. - Yeah.

A manatee passed him...

- Opened his mouth, got a turd in there.

- She was like, "Oh, manatees, ahh!"

And then that was--

Hey, so, uh, what do you say

we, like, ditch all of our friends here

and we just, like, go find a pool?

I'd like that.

- Uh-huh. Until--

And what time does the bus leave?

El autobús? Mm-hmm.

Oh, and that's it?

Todos? Okay--uh, gracias.

Okay, let's go.

- Ah! - Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Ah!

Oh!

- I think I may be concussed. - Oh, fuck.

- And also potentially sprained my neck.

- Uh-huh. - I don't know

if that's a thing, but, like,

I'm going to turn, and I'm not gettin' a whole lot.

- Yup. - Mobility-wise.

- Here, just keep pressure on it, okay?

- Thanks. - Thank you.

- I like your room. - Thank you.

- It's nice. - Thank you!

- You think it's a suite? - Definitely a suite.

My dad's in the upgrade.

Hey, who's Illán Iberra?

Hey, no, no, no.

No.

Okay.

Oh, fuck! - What, what, is it bad?

No, that's a lot of blood.

Uh, oh, fuck. Yeah, um, just hold on.

I need a towel.

- It really doesn't hurt as much as it looks like it would.

- I think you need to go to the hospital.

- You know what? I really don't like hospitals.

- Yeah, well, nobody-- - It's just that the lighting's

shitty, and you kind of feel like you're gonna die

when you're in there, so maybe--

- Hey. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Okay. - Okay, I'm still

a little bit dizzy. - Oh, yeah, obviously.

- And also potentially gonna throw up a little bit.

Oh, please, go that way.

- I'm gonna try not to do that--

- Don't look at me. - But that's a possibility.

Just to put it on your radar.

- Good? - Good.

Okay.

Let me just--

Oh. Ew.

Here.

Sorry I, uh, forgot to put deodorant on,

and you're kinda in the danger zone, so--

- It's all right. I think I completely

lost my sense of smell.

That's not good.

Must be--I've been told

I have, like, a big head. - Mm-hmm.

- Proportionately to the rest of my body,

so I'm hoping that means that I just have--

- Okay, all right. - Like, more blood to lose,

volume-wise. - Shut up, please.

I'm gonna superglue your head back together, so--

Oh, you're not kidding? - No.

It's sturdier than stitches.

- Okay, have you done that before, or?

- No. But I've had it done before.

I used to play hockey in high school,

and my dad had to glue my head a ton, so count to three.

- Is there any, like, sanitation process

we need to do, or, before you start,

or are you just gonna-- - It's a little late for that,

my guy. - You don't need, like,

a specific glue to start? - No--okay.

Oh, my God. It's so long.

Okay, there we go.

Just gonna pinch her shut.

Ooh.

I'm Violet.

I'm Sam.

Good start.

Sorry if this ruined your plans.

- Yeah, it did, but um, it's fine.

Okay, thanks.

- Uh, hey, do you wanna put your number in?

You know, so I can check in on you?

In case you die, I can erase any evidence.

Yeah, good thinking.

I mean, putting my number in your phone

might kind of just connect us more, but--

- No, you don't have to-- - No, no, no, no--good.

It's good for you to have. That's a--that's a me.

That's a you.

- I don't know why I said it like that.

Okay. - Thank you.

Thanks.

Bye.

- Shit, where'd my skateboard go?

- Okay, here we go-- first text.

"Hey, this is my number."

- Should we be reading this? - Yeah, of course we should.

- Okay, all right. - Okay.

Um, all right, cool.

"Did I leave my skateboard in your room?"

"Not here, just checked."

- "That's so weird. I think someone stole it."

- Okay, so many questions already.

But missing skateboard--fuck.

- All right, keep goin'. - Okay.

- "That sucks. I suppose we were a bit distracted."

- "Ha ha, yeah, that was fun."

- Oh, so they hooked up right away?

- Yeah. - Okay, well, "Sorry,

I am inexperienced in the head department."

Ooh! Um--

- Straight to oral. - Yeah.

- Good for her. - Good for him.

- Okay, "Did it dry yet?" - Um, "Yeah, but my hair

is a little sticky." What?

- Oh, my God. - "I'm sorry I left

a gross mess." - "Most of it ended up on me.

A little on the couch." - Oh, no.

"Some of it got in my eye--" Oh, my--

- Ew... - Okay, all right, maybe

we shouldn't be reading this.

Okay--oh, Jesus-- "It felt pretty deep."

- "Yeah, it was hard not to gag."

- Wow, they're perverts. - Yeah.

- They're like--but what's weird is that they're porny.

- Yeah. - I didn't expect that.

- I know, I know, yeah. - I didn't think they'd be,

like, all porny. - I know, I don't think

I like them. I don't think I like 'em. I don't--

have you ever, like, texted anybody like that?

- No. - Okay.

Because you have to assume

that people are gonna read your texts.

Okay, here's our first photo. Ready?

Okay, yeah.

Ohh! No, no.

Sorry, sorry. Sorry, little kids.

Um, why--what the fuck am I looking at?

"A little headache, but the glue worked."

Oh, my God.

It's, like, a skull. Like, a--

That's Sam's bloody... - Oh, God, okay.

- Glued skull. So that's--that, okay.

- Yeah. - Well, then that makes sense.

Yeah.

So we're the perverts. - Yeah.

- Okay. - Okay.

"Keep an eye out for my skateboard.

"I think the security guard with the fancy suit

must have taken it." - Okay, security.

So that's a person of interest.

- Yeah. - Okay, uh--

"Do you want to track him down?"

"I can't tonight. Tomorrow?"

- And then she doesn't respond. That's so weird.

But then she doesn't text him again until 4:00 a.m.