Two and a Half Men

Previously on...

Tonight would be a great time

to tell Larry that you're not Jeff Strongman,

that you're really Alan Harper.

If you tell Larry who you really are,

then he's gonna wonder why Ididn't tell him.

Will you do me the honor of becoming Mrs. Alan Harper?

Who the hell is Alan Harper?

Larry! Look! Boobs!

We can go in the other room and you can play with them. Huh?

Really? In the middle of the day?Mm-hmm.

Wait a minute. Who's Alan Harper?

Uh, I am gonna answer that, but before I do...

What do you say, Gretchie?

Will you marry me?

Yes.

: Oh, my God!

You've made me the-the happiest man in the world.

Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry.

A-And for your question, Larry,

I just want to say that everything you've known about me

is a lie.

My real name is Alan.

That's okay. My real name is Lawrence.

All right, this is gonna be a lot harder than I thought.

Um, uh, Lyndsey

is my ex-girlfriend. When you and she

got together, I made up a fake name

so that I could meet you and stay close to Lyndsey.

But then it turns out I actually like you

more than I like Lyndsey.

I like you more than Lyndsey, too!

What the hell is happening here?!

So your name's not really Jeff Strongman,

it's Alan Harper, and you used to date Lyndsey?

For four years.

Did you know about this?

Yes. He was my boyfriend.

But-but I'm with younow, and only you.

A-And I'm really, really sorry.

Oh, save it, Jeff-- if that's even your real name.

I think I made it pretty clear it's not, but o-okay.

I told Alan that I thought he should tell you the truth,

because I thought you deserved to know.

How could you keep this from me?

I would never lie to you. This is unbelievable!

I never wanted any of this to happen.

Well, it did-- and now I've lost my two best friends.

And this time I'm not talking about your boobs.

I don't want to see either one of you again.

And I'm still not talking about your boobs!

The wedding's off!

Larry, wait!

Oh, God, see?

This is exactly why I didn't want to tell him.

Now both Lyndsey andLarry hate me,

and I've ruined the lives of two wonderful people.

I'll never forget the look on-- ooh, boobs.

: Say hello to my little friend.

What is that?

Thisis the most advanced

robotic artificial intelligence today.

I call him WALD-E.

Get it?

'Cause I'm Walden,

and the movie WALL-E?

WALD-E?

Say hello to my friend Jenny.

: Hello to my friend Jenny.

I programmed him to be funny.

I beg to differ.

You're just jealous 'cause you don't have

an electronic friend to play with.

Trust me, I have a whole drawer

of electronic friends I can play with.

Then maybe we can have a zero-one-one-way.

That's a three-way in binary.

: Oh, WALD-E, good times ahead.

Hey.

Oh. Hey, check out my new robot.

I detect no sign of intelligent life.

I'm not in the mood for this. Can you turn him off?

Can you turn himoff?

I wish I could, WALD-E, I wish I could.

What's going on?Larry just texted me.

He wants to see me. What do you think he wants?

Well,

given the fact you blew up his entire life,

I'm guessing he either wants to kick your ass,

orrip your face off so you can watchhim kick your ass.

Oh, this is all my fault.

I should have just been honest

and told the truth right from the start-- lying is

never the answer.

Ooh, I know, I'll tell him I'm sick.

What's a trendy illness?

Alan, you have to man up

and face the consequences of your actions.

Maybe you're right.

I at least owe him that much.

I'll just go and... Hah-choo!

Oh! Oh. Oh.

Alan?Mm-hmm?

When people sneeze, they don't say, "Hah-choo,

oh, ew, ooh."

Okay, fine.

But when he beats me within an inch of my life,

you're on bedpan duty.

Okay, if it makes you feel better, I'll come with you.

He only wants to go so when Larry beats you up,

he can say, "I told you so."

That is not true.

Even though I repeatedly

told him to stop lying about who he was,

and deceiving the people around him,

and eventually it would blow up in his face,

I'm not going to say, "I told you so."

Well, I appreciate that.

I want to film Larry kicking his ass

and then say, "I told you so."

Hey, Alan.

Oh, hey, hey, Larry!

I don't have a weapon.

Hi. I'm Walden,

Alan's friend.

Uh, just act like I'm not here,

and punch like no one's watchin'.

And...

action.

So, you, uh, you said

you wanted to talk?

No, no, no, louder.

I'm sorry. What?

Louder. There's a lot of ambient noise in here.

: So, so, you said you wanted to talk?

: Yeah, I actually came here to tell you that I forgive you!

No! Cut! Cut!

What's... Wait, wait, you forgivehim?

Yeah, I realized all this anger isn't good.

I had to let it all go.

No!

He's not gonna learn his lesson

if you forgive him. The only way he's gonna learn

a lesson is through pain and suffering

and possibly losing a tooth.

No, no. He's gonna be my brother-in-law

and make an honest woman out of Gretchen.

: She's not gonna be an honest woman on our wedding night.

That's the guy I know and love who's banging my sister.

I do love banging your sister.

No, the only banging I want to see is you banging his face!

Oh,

that didn't come out right.

Gretchen is the most amazing woman I've ever met.

I-I just have to scrape together enough money for the wedding.

Oh, I know what you mean-- mine and Lyndsey's

was costing me a fortune.

I already paid for the flowers, the cake, the tux.

Too bad you can't just take hiswedding.

Or can I?

I was kidding.

Well, why not? I mean, this cup says "Peter" on it,

but Peter wasn't there to get it.

I'm not gonna use it. Me and Lyndsey are through,

so you might as well.

You can't mooch a wedding

that you just destroyed.

: I know. How great is that?

Classic Alan Harper.

Jeff Strongman.

Mm.I don't know how I didn't see through it sooner.

It's such an obviously made-up name.

Yeah.Jeff.

Mom, this is my fiancée, Gretchen Martin.

It is so nice to finally meet you, Evelyn.

Oh, you, too, dear.

How far along areyou?

What?Uh, my mother assumes that

since you agreed to marry me, you must be pregnant.

: No, I'm not pregnant.

Are you after my money?Of course not.

¿Estas buscando trabajo en el mundo nuevo?

What?

Not looking for a green card, either.

You must genuinely like Alan.Yeah.

This is uncharted territory for me.

I know. She actually loves me for me.

I mean, I had to pretend to be another person

to make it all happen, but still.

Oh, that is somering you bought her.

Oh, actually, that's the ring my ex-husband got me.

But I still had it-- I figured why make Alan buy another one?

My God, you've found your soul mate.

I know. Our honeymoon is at her cousin's time-share.

He can't use it, 'cause he had a heart attack.

We're so blessed.

Speaking of blessings,

I just want to thank you for raising such a caring,

thoughtful, intelligent son.

Oh, you're serious.