Life in Pieces

_

Jen? Honey?

Your parents are coming. When?

They'll be here before the drugs can even kick in.

Why didn't you tell me?

Because they just told me.

I mean, I love my parents, but I hate when they visit.

Honestly, I'm gonna lose it, Greg,

just like I do every single time they come visit.

And then everyone gets upset, and they leave on bad terms,

and then we do it all over again the next year.

Well, every family has its traditions.

I think the only way to make this a fun visit

is if we just avoid all conversation.

Huh?

We go to places

that prohibit talking.

- Yes. - Libraries.

- Yes. - Theaters.

- Yes. - Scuba diving.

- Yes! - All that matters is

the second they get here, we are out the door.

Jenny, look.

Look, sweetheart, look what Daddy's done.

Just sit me in a chair

and leave me for dead.

Oh, no.

This is the worst thing that could have happened.

So, Dave, tell her how it happened.

Well, Charlotte kindly tucked

the comforter into the end of the bed.

I slipped in for the evening, and, uh...

like that, my ankle just exploded.

So the-the weight of the goose-down feathers

was just too much for your ankle to handle?

Had there been any higher of a thread count,

and I would've been facing amputation.

But Daddy's forgiven me,

and I forgive him for asking me

to make the bed in the first place.

Although the case might be made that the one who took on

the responsibility of making the bed had a sort of

an implied contract to create

a safe environment.

Wow.

Starting with a toughie right out of the gate.

What smells?

Tutu-Bipsy.

And G-Pa!

Now, Lark, you got to be careful, okay?

'Cause G-Pa's got a hurtsy.

Oh, no, that's fine, Greg. The herpes is long, long gone.

Sweetheart, come, give me a big kiss.

I can't believe we're stuck here listening to them.

My head is gonna explode

- like my dad's ankle. - You want to know what?

Here's what we're gonna do.

- What? - You hang out with your parents

for as long as you can stand,

and when you reach your breaking point,

I'll swoop in and relieve you.

We'll tag-team' em.

Yes.

- Yeah? - Uh-huh.

Aside from the fact that I now have

the visual of us tag-teaming my parents...

I like that.

And that is when it became obvious to me

that Shakespeare was, in fact... a woman.

That is a conspiracy theory I have not yet heard.

Daddy was very affected by the Wonder Woman film.

Sure. That's true... and what heroes

are more super than our literary heroes, correct?

He's just trying to find a niche

to compete with the young professors who cut

- their jeans off at the bottom. - It's an entirely

valid point of view... Just happens to be

from a younger perspective, that's all.

Uh, do you... do you know who cuts his jeans off

at the bottoms?

Greg. True story.

Greg?

Oh, hey, hon. Don't forget to give me a sign

when you need a break, okay?

Greg, me getting up and coming over to you

with this face is the sign.

Oh. Oh, I... I just thought you were gonna give me a signal

like whistling and patting yourself

like you lost your keys or something.

But don't worry, I gotcha.

- Tag. - Tag.

So, what are we talking about?

Greg, settle this... Was Shakespeare a woman?

Jen, tell your father it's not true.

He claims there's a crow that speaks sign language

and also volunteers for the fire brigade.

It happens to be the gospel truth, all right?

A student showed me the video. The crow's name is Murphy...

Although around the firehouse, they all refer to him as Murph.

It's the truth... You can Guggle it.

I can what it?

Guggle it. You know,

when you drag something down from the Internet

to get more information.

I believe it's pronounced "Google."

See? I've been telling you that

since we had dinner with the MacDuggals.

It's the MacDougals.

You know what, will you excuse me?

I'm getting a phone call to Greg.

Greg?

Wow. All I said was, is I have no idea about the crow,

and they did not stop talking.

It's exhausting.

Just promise me you and I will never

talk to each other that much.

I promise.

But I'm proud of you.

Hmm?

Now, get out there.

You can do this.

Thanks, babe.

I needed that.

Hey, wait a minute, no, I was coming in here.

It's your turn.

Damn it. So close.

We did it.

We tag-teamed our way through their visit.

I am so proud of you... you didn't lose it on them once.

Man, I will say it again.

I am so lucky my college boyfriend died.

Ha... Aw.

Well, we are so sad you're leaving.

The car is waiting outside to take you to the airport.

And we packed your bags for you. So, bye.

That was so thoughtful of you.

But you didn't have to do that.

Because we're staying.

Where?

Here. We've decided to extend our trip.

- When? - Now.

- No. - Wow.

We're so concerned about your marriage.

The whole time we've been here,

we've barely seen the two of you together once.

It's as if as soon as one of you enters the room,

the other's so revolted, they leave.

We're not letting the two of you give up. We're not.

That's why me and Mommy are staying

until we've all worked this thing through together.

Have you seen my keys?

Oh, my God. No.

You know what? I'm done.

I can't take it anymore.

This week has been insufferable!

Good girl, Jen, let it all out.

And now, Greg, your turn.

Tell us, how do you feel about Jen?

Mm-mm.

_

What the hell is that?

Mom-Mom, this pasta is so good.

Oh, thank you, dear.

The key is to get the mayonnaise really boiling.

Then it candies.

It was my grandmother Wandy's recipe.

- Wandy? - Mm-hmm.

What kind of a name is that?

It's short for Wanda.

But that's not shorter.

Well, it was a slower time then.

Hey, you two, tell Sophia about Wandy.

Oh, the kids' magician that ended up going to prison?

Yeah, I don't think

she's old enough for that story, Mom.

No, no, no. I'm talking about Wandy,

your great-grandmother.

I can't believe you've forgotten your family history.

Oh... Wandy.

- Wandy. - Yeah.

I don't remember her.

- No. - This is so sad.

I mean, what happens when I'm gone?

Our whole family story disappears.

Like cousin Victor down that sinkhole.

I know how to save it, Mom-Mom.

I'm not freezing my head.

Okay, we just have to fill these test tubes up to the line.

Oh! A genetic testing kit. How sophisticated.

We shouldn't have done this after lunch.

- They're gonna think I'm part hamburger. - We're just a couple

loogies away from knowing our entire family tree.

Oh, Wandy would be so proud.

She was very prideful.

She wouldn't even talk to my grandfather,

Junious, until he helped her board the ship

that would carry them to New York.

You see, she couldn't walk,

and medicine wasn't what it is today.

Remember, though, this is a long time ago.