Anthony Bourdain: Parts Unknown

I have a block of cheese in my colon the size of a grapefruit.

Tony, come on. Don't be grumpy.

Son of a bitch.

Jesus.

Sometimes I don't understand you.

I'm so hung over; I just want to crawl under

the bushes and die.

- Seriously? - No, I hate this.

Are we there yet?

No, the chalet's, maybe like, I don't know, half hour?

- Okay. - Ugh.

- It's amazing. - Worst episode ever.

The French Alps,

lovely Italians on one side,

but the terrifying Swiss on the other.

They're close.

Too close for me.

A man with a neurotic childhood fear of alpine vistas,

yodeling, even cheese with holes in it.

But my friend Eric requires payback.

I have, in recent adventures with him, been unkind.

He grew up in mountains like this.

He's an expert skier.

This is like home to him,

so I thought it was only fair he get a chance at payback.

I am not a graceful skier,

but I am an enthusiastic one,

and that's what you come here for in winter and early spring.

Some of the best slopes on Earth.

Also cheese, apparently. Lots of cheese.

I just take your size.

Yes.

Okay.

Bend your knees, push on the foot.

They decent?

Yeah, they feel good. That feels good.

- Good? - Yeah.

You learned to ski in what, the Pyrenees, right?

- Yeah. - I learned to ski

in New Jersey.

Eh, it's the same.

Yes. Well, that's what I always said.

You thought you were going to the Moon, or what?

Hey warm feet are important.

Nothing's more demoralizing than cold, wet feet.

You'll be bitching in those things; yeah, you'll...

- No, man. - You'll look... you'll look cool.

That's gonna be... These are gonna be like sponges.

- You wish me bad luck. - No, I don't.

I just think you should have proper footwear, man.

Prior preparation prevents piss-poor performance.

Ski log, day one. Conditions are not ideal.

It's thick powder and zero visibility.

Plus, I haven't skied in years,

so it hurts... bad.

But God bless the French, they can't go too long,

not even down a mountain, without eating well.

I gotta tell you, I'm not impressed

with my performance on that hill; I was dying.

Today's challenging. I mean, look.

It... it's about 3 feet of fresh snow.

The visibility was okay, barely okay.

A year ago, at this time, I was a killing machine.

Now, I was like...

I was seeing stars, I mean, I, I...

No, it was the altitude.

And some extravagant, fantastic, uh, red wine.

We blow up the budget?

Kill 'em.

- Kill it? - Kill 'em.

Okay, okay, all done.

Definitely the '66 Latour. How much is it?

Is it... is it expensive enough?

- Yeah. - Oh, yeah.

- They're gonna love you. - We deserve it.

- Oh, it's good. - Right, this is good, huh?

Well worth the expense to someone else.

This is the bigger name.

We're gonna have a week of good food,

good wine, some ski, right?

So, what, what are the specialite ...of the region?

So, they do the raclettes.

- Cheese. - You know like, yeah, cheese,

- Right. - The fondue.

- That's cheese. - Da dufflets.

- That's cheese. - Yep.

I don't know.

- That's not bad; I like cheese. - Yeah, I like stews.

They make a lot of stews too. Yeah, of what animals?

Mostly beef.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- A lot of cows up here? - Yeah.

I like cows... to eat.

Yeah, to eat, of course.

Don't much like 'em personally.

Where I learned to ski, we were lucky

to get lukewarm chicken fingers and a Bud Light at the lodge.

Here, we start with pan-seared foie gras.

Wow.

- That's fancy, huh? - All right.

I mean, why don't you eat that on the ski slope? Seriously.

For the main, a loin of veal, gently seared and pan-roasted.

Joined by a wild mushroom sauce,

and a pretty little medley of vegetables.

- Whoa. - Looking good.

Hoo-hoo.

How is it? It's really good.

It's also... I wanted you to know this... humanely raised veal,

free-range, died in its sleep.

I disagree with that, but I will eat it.

Just trying to make you feel better about the world.

I'm all over the cheese course like a one-man army.

Tomme de chevre, tomme de savoie et piment,

fromage de chevre et creme de ren.

That's from, like, a cow.

Everybody has blood on their hands, Eric, everybody.

- I do too. - Right, we all do.

- I do too. - The clothes we wear,

the air we breathe.

Everything we do is built on the backs

of suffering people and dying animals.

I agree.

We wallow in blood.

Ski log, day two.

Yesterday, Chef Ripert showed no mercy on the mountain.

Today, conditions are more to my liking.

A small wager might have been made.

Loser might have to eat at Johnny Rockets.

Today it is on.

Ready?

Yeah.

One, two, three.

The title for your biography, for your bio pic:

The Revenge," or whatever we're calling it.

"64 Yolks," or "For a Few Yolks More."

Well, that'll be the sequel. "A Fistfull of Yolks."

Okay, that's what we'll call it.

We have to change it to a more manly title.

- It's... it's... - "32 Yolks" is...

Now it's becoming your book.

You're changing it; you're...

Welcome to Hollywood, my friend.

The Cremery.

A special place at the bottom of the mountain.

Croute with morilles, and cream, lots of cream.

I didn't expect that; that's really good.

Yeah.

We're eating bread and mushrooms...

- Right. - Cheese.

There's no meat in this.

No, there's no meat.

I'm, like, practically like Gandhi at this point.

I'm not drastic.

I'm not saying, "Don't eat meat, become a vegan."

I'm saying, "Let's eat less meat."

You just think it's better for the planet?

It's good for the planet; it's good for our bodies.

I'll... I'll stand outside the Bourdeau Dan.

I'll tell all your customers that.

"You know, this fish thing, you should really,

you should eat some vegetables."

Bovine flatulence is a major source of carbon dioxide.

Yes. It's the biggest one in the world.

No, not the biggest one in the world.

- Yes. - Bovine flatulence?

Yes, bigger than cars, bigger than anything else.

See, this is why we should eat meat.

We're saving the planet; we're gonna kill these things.

We're ripping a hole in the ozone layer.

Plus, it stinks.

You are a lost... lost case.

What does she want?

She said she hopes you're very hungry, because...

Uh-oh.

What's coming is serious.

Farcante.

I think that means "cannonball of goodness" in French,

because it's a big, heavy,

albeit yet thoroughly delicious loaf of potato,

bacon, dried fruit, and cream

slowly steamed in a bain-marie.

This meal is a foreshadowing of the kind of light spa food

that will become a regular feature of our time in the Alps.

- Whoa. - Whoa.

We have to finish that.

It's like a... It's like a volcano.