Two and a Half Men

It's Mom.

Say hi for me.

Hi, Mom.

Alan wants to talk to you.

Hi, Mom.

How was Dubai?

Oh, good, I-I'm glad you met somebody.

Yes, yes, they are a hairy people.

Uh, yeah, I-I don't need to know any more details,

as long as he makes you happy.

That's a detail, Mom.

Oh, no, d-don't worry about your house.

I, uh, I check on it every day on my way home from work.

Yeah, now, that's why I'm the good son.

Well, uh... have fun with Hamid.

That's another detail, Mom.

Yeah, I'll, uh, I'll see you tomorrow.

Okay, bye-bye.

You haven't been to her house once, have you?

I checked on it with Google Earth.

It's still there.

At least the roof is anyway.

I'll just run over today

and pick up the newspapers and the mail, and, uh,

replace the dead plants.

You don't think she'll notice new plants?

Nah, she doesn't pay that much attention to living things.

Remember when she had the cockatoo?

Oh, yeah.

Polly really wanted a cracker.

Hey, listen, as long as you're going to be in Beverly Hills,

you can drop my Mercedes off at the dealership for service.

Happy to do it. Hey, I don't want to hear it.

You and your kid live here rent-free.

I don't ask for much in return,

so the least you could do for me,

Alan... Charlie, Charlie.

I said I'm happy to do it.

Oh.

Damn, I was all set to bust your balls.

Sorry to disappoint you.

And just so we're clear, my car is cherry,

so if you bang it, ding it, dent it,

or even change the ass-print in the seat,

just keep driving till you get to Mexico,

then bury yourself in the desert.

I understand your concern, and trust me,

I will be very careful.

You know, you're taking all the fun out of this.

Okay, "get car serviced."

Check.

What's next?

Oh, nap time.

Check.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men. *

What the hell are you doing?

Whoa!

You okay?

No, I landed on my ass bone.

Sack up. You'll be fine.

Would you grab my sunglasses while you're down there?

"Recover sunglasses."

Check.

Thanks.

What's so interesting over there?

Nothing.

Hey, you know the rule: if there's topless sunbathers,

you don't hang out and stare at them.

You come get your Uncle Charlie.

Nobody's topless.

Oh.

Then what are you looking at?

Son of a bitch.

Uncheck.

Just some new neighbors.

New neighbors, huh?

What's the deal?

They making s'mores on the barbecue?

No. Chicken?

It has nothing to do with food.

Oh... a girl.

Is she cute?

No, I'm hanging off the balcony

to look at a mutant.

Don't get snippy.

I was just showing an interest.

Why don't you go over there and introduce yourself?

I can't do that. It'd look desperate.

You are desperate.

Come on. We'll both go.

Really?

Yeah, why not?

I got a little window before my next nap.

Thanks.

No problem.

What am I going to say?

I don't know.

Try saying hello.

Hello? That's all you got?

That's all I got that you can use.

* Men. *

I should have peed before we left.

You've just got a nervous bladder.

Wait till you turn 40.

You'll feel like you have to pee while you're still peeing.

You ready to do this? No.

Oh, come on, what's the worst thing that could happen?

She laughs at me?

Oh, that is so sweet.

No, the worst thing that could happen

is she falls in love with you, you get married.

Ten, 12 years later she comes to her senses, leaves you,

takes all your stuff, and you have to go live in your car.

Whoa.

Yeah.

What kind of car do you think I'll have?

Hello.

Hi.

I'm Charlie Harper, and this is Jake.

We live next door.

Right, Jake?

I'm Jake.

Hi, I'm Celeste.

I'm Jake.

Honey, is that the cable guy?

No, Dad, it's our neighbors.

Jerome Burnett.

Hi.

Charlie Harper.

This is my nephew Jake.

We just came by to welcome you to the neighborhood.

Well, that was very nice of you.

Yeah, welcome to the neighborhood.

Bye.

Hang on. Hang on.

Do you know who this man is?

Yeah, her dad. Bye.

This is Jerome Burnett,

one of the great NFL players of all time.

You're very kind. Thank you.

You know what his nickname was, Jake?

No.

Tell him.

Mad Dog.

That's great.

Can I use your bathroom?

Honey, show him where it is.

Come on, Jake.

Lady in the house, Jake. Put the seat back down.

So what have you been up to lately?

Oh, still working for the Chargers.

You know, mostly front office stuff.

Really?

So you probably have access to tickets and such.

I do. Do you want me to hook you up?

Oh, gee, I don't want to impose.

I just came by to say hello.

Can you get me a sky box?

I'll see what I can do.

That'd be great.

And I'm guessing if a, if a player got injured,

you'd probably be one of the first to know about it.

You know, even before the, uh,

what do you call 'em-- bookies?

Don't push it, Charlie.

Hey, Dad, would it be all right

if Jake and I take a walk on the beach?

Yeah, sure, why not?

Thanks. See you later.

Isn't that nice?

That boy touches my daughter,

I'm going to be touching you.

Understood.

Can I use your bathroom?

* Men. *

Here you go, Mr. Harper.

Oh, oh, thank you.

Mmm... cappuccino.

I wonder what they're serving at the domestic dealerships.

They do take good care of you here.

Of course, they ought to,

considering what we paid for our cars.

Oh, yeah.

They are expensive.

Is that your CL65 outside?

Uh... yes, it is mine.

How do you like it?

What's not to like?

It does everything but trim your toenails.

Or maybe it does and I just haven't found the button yet.

Not that I need to trim my toenails.

Did 'em last night.

Over the tub.