The Last Man on Earth

Previously on The Last Man On Earth...

Living apart will destroy this group.

Todd, wake up! I don't know what's wrong!

I think Todd had a heart attack!

I'm glad you're still here, bud.

Clearly, we're much worse apart.

But if we're all gonna live together,

it's definitely not gonna be in this crap-hole.

This place has great energy.

- I think we're home. - Mm.

Oh.

She looks nice.

Oh, here, honey, let me get that.

No, don't you dare.

You just had a heart attack.

Now, come on, hon. We don't know it was a heart attack.

You were yelling "heart attack" while it was happening.

You're overreacting, hon.

I promise you, I am fine.

I'm glad you have this positive attitude,

but we can't take this lightly.

There are gonna have to be a lot of changes around here.

No, okay, and that's fine, but I can get my own bag, you know?

Todd.

Fine.

Be my guest.

Oh, my God, Dawn, we get it, you're a baby!

Stop being such a stereotype.

Maybe you should just leave her outside.

Oh, I'm seriously starting to consider it.

Oh, Dawn, I feel bad even joking like that.

But seriously, Dawn, shut your boob-hole.

Amen to that.

A rival cartel,

on my property, in my home,

just strolls through my gates.

It appears we have a snake in our midst.

No, Abuela, there-there is no snake.

Then it is your incompetence?

No-no, it was not my fault. Uh, they disabled...

Prove to me that you are not incompetent.

Ten seconds.

Uh...

Close.

Just four moves away.

Clean this up.

We have to do something soon.

Or we could be next.

Okay, grab some bubbles

and just wrap anything that looks dangerous.

I'm talking choke-ables, flammables, decapitate-ables.

Ooh! What do we have here?

- A little Rubik's Cube. - Oh.

A little Ruby Booby.

Used to be pretty good at these, huh?

Ooh, and look at that.

A little Mexican flare.

They love their skulls down here.

Tandy, put that down, okay?

This house isn't gonna baby-proof itself.

- Be right there. - Tandy, this baby's due

any day now, and this place is a disaster waiting to happen.

What about all that talk about how this place

had such great energy?

Well, Shark Tanks have great energy,

but that doesn't mean I'm gonna walk into that room

without a great business plan.

Okay, lost me there.

Shark Tanks... The TV show, not the thing.

Look, the point is, when you're a little baby with a soft skull

and poor depth perception, every house is a death trap.

But this one won't be, not when we're through with it.

All right.

Now, will you be a dear and bubble wrap that for me?

- This? - Yeah.

- This thing right here? - Uh-huh.

This appears to be a tube of bubble wrap

already bubble wrapped with bubble wrap.

And you would like me to bubble wrap it again?

There's a fork in there.

Is it done?

Where did you place it?

Is that my piñata?

Sí, Abuela.

Tie it up.

Ay, que averguenza.

Just give up now.

Where you been, Hector?

It is your birthday.

I wanted your piñata to be just right.

No, no.

I want Panchito to have the first swing.

Oh, no, I couldn't.

Course you can.

You've been a loyal and trusted friend.

But it is your birthday.

And when it is your birthday, I will take the first swing.

Por supuesto, jefe.

You can do better than that.

There.

It's right in front of you.

Federales!

Vámonos, muchachos!

Pronto, vámonos!

Alto!

Well, these stairs are an obvious hazard,

but nothing a couple packing peanuts can't fix.

Packing peanuts?

Yeah, packing peanuts.

You don't want our baby getting SIFILISS.

Syphilis?

SIFILISS.

- Syphilis? - SIFILISS.

You know, Sudden Infant Falling.

Into Large Indoor Spaces Syndrome?

Oh, I thought you meant the other one.

No, I'm talking about the bad one.

Hello, Todd. New wheels?

Yup. Melissa wants me to stay off my feet, so...

Todd.

Where's your helmet?

I got it.

Can you put it on, please?

You know, I just really don't think

I need a helmet, hon.

Todd, you have another heart episode, you pass out,

you fall out of your chair, you hit the floor,

boom, you're dead.

Okay, put it on.

Ooh, Speed Racer over there.

See? It's cute.

Well, this has been fun.

Take it easy, Knievel.

Let me know if you jump any buses later.

Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.

- What? - That's not for you.

That's for us, okay.

This is for you.

Try this. You're gonna love it.

Great. If I were a starfish, I'd be in friggin' heaven.

Hey, mister.

Strap up, please.

I want to hear it click.

Did you hear it?

Ridiculous.

God. Oh, my God.

Is she still fussing?

No. She's super calm, Gail.

She's loving life.

Friggin' Mary Poppins over here.

Okay, blow it out your butt.

- I'm on your team here. - I'm sorry, I just...

Ugh. I don't know what to do.

Okay, well, lucky for you, this ain't my first rodeo.

Have you tried whiskey on her lips?

No.

- Scotch? - No.

- Wine? - No.

Vodka? Schnapps?

A teeny bit of Listerine?

I'm not gonna roofie my baby, Gail.

Hey, why don't we try driving her a little bit?

Sometimes the motion of the car calms them down.

All right, sure. Let's give it a shot.

No, you can't give a baby a shot.

I'm telling you, just the teeniest little...

Okay, I got you. I got you on... I see what you were saying.

- You got it? - Yup, yup.

- All right. Let's go. - Okay.

'Cause I thought you were talking about shots. No.