M*A*S*H

‐(rustling) ‐(ringing continues)

MASH 4077.

He'’s asleep, and so am I.

I'’m gonna put a "Do Not Disturb" sign on the phone.

I'’m askin'’ for time and a half.

Oh, he'’s gonna kill me.

Come in.

‐Sir, telephone. ‐POTTER: Telephone?

It'’s 3:30 in the blessed a. m.!

Even the roosters are comatose.

So was I a minute ago.

All right, all right.

If this fella isn'’t a general,

I'’m gonna sing him a four‐letter aria he won'’t forget.

You call yourself a company clerk.

What happened? Your pencil break?

You couldn'’t take a message?

Don'’t blame me, sir. The man said it was very important.

Potter! And this better be good.

Oh, I see.

That bad.

You'’re sure?

Well, test results don'’t lie.

Okay, thanks. Thanks very much.

Klinger.

Snap to, grunt.

Klinger, Maxwell Q. Reporting as threatened, sir.

I gotta head out to Tokyo.

Grab a fistful of phone and get me a flight out.

Is the colonel suggesting I do it first thing in the morning?

The colonel is suggesting you do it first thing immediately.

Meantime, I'’ll go pack.

Yes, sir. Oh, just one thing, sir.

While you'’re gone, who'’s gonna be head honcho in charge?

‐Uh, Pierce'’ll do. ‐Well, begging your protocol, sir

but won'’t that get Major Winchester'’s nose out of joint

‐and possibly mine, when I tell him? ‐It'’s Pierce, Corporal.

I make the decisions around here. You just explain '’em.

Yes, sir. Oh, but if we need you, where will you be, sir?

‐Tokyo General. ‐Hospital? What for, sir?

I'’m gonna visit a sick friend.

‐Oh, Beej, listen! You hear that? ‐(birds chirping)

No. I don'’t hear a sound.

Exactly. And that'’s because,

since I assumed the mantle of command,

this place has been humming along like a well‐oiled marine.

Hawk, the only order you'’ve given in two days is for a double scotch.

All part of my master plan, leadership by lack of example.

I command by doing nothing.

I know the feeling. Second grade,

I was hall monitor in a one‐room schoolhouse.

Yeah, well, you better get to work.

Here comes your whole class.

Hi. I'’m Betty Halpern, Red Cross.

We'’re looking for some doctors.

What a coincidence. We'’re looking for some patients.

This is Dr. Pierce, benevolent despot.

I'’m Dr. Hunnicutt, loyal subject.

‐Who are your friends? ‐Refugees.

Their village was shelled, burned to the ground.

I'’m taking them south to relocate.

Nothing spoils a neighborhood faster than artillery.

Any serious wounds?

Well, no, but we had to hide out

in some farmland to avoid a North Korean patrol.

Wound up in a patch of thorny bushes.

Scratched everyone up bad.

We could use some first aid.

These kids have a lot of scratches.

Some puncture marks too.

We better inoculate them for tetanus, you know.

‐Is that really necessary? ‐Yeah, I think so.

There'’s probably a lot of manure around.

We don'’t want to take any chances.

All right.

Where do you want us?

You can use the mess tent. It'’s right over there.

Just follow the bouncing meatball.

We'’re inoculating some Koreans, sir, but that'’s all.

Don'’t worry. You got me here to keep things under control.

Buffalo bagels. Did you get at those weekly reports,

or are you just sitting there with your feet up, smoking my cigars?

Working, sir. Uh, busy as a beaver.

Uh, got your reports half finished.

I want them all finitoed by the time I get back tomorrow.

And another thing. Has a package arrived for me?

Just your laundry, sir.

They starched your shorts again.

Damn! I haven'’t stopped chafing from the last batch.

Listen, if that package comes in,

you guard it with your very life.

Sounds important, sir. What is it?

Mind your own beeswax.

But if anything happens to that package,

you'’ll be peeling spuds till Idaho makes you their state bird.

Do you read me?

Loud and fearful, wrathful leader.

‐(laughing) ‐Children. Children.

Please.

It'’s not nice for little boys and girls to behave like lunatics.

Hey, take it easy, champ. It'’s just a simple little test.

There. See? Nothin'’ to it.

How long before you'’ll know if they'’re allergic?

Just a couple minutes.

Oh, good.

You'’re a heartless woman, Betty Halpern.

Ah. I love kids.

The late Mr. H. and I raised three.

These children are like a second family.

I'’m not having much luck with these children, Mrs. Halpern.

Maybe you can quiet them down.

After all, you speak their language.

Glad to, Father.

Okay everybody, pipe down!

‐(laughing) ‐Eh‐‐

I guess it'’s all in the delivery.

What'’s wrong?

You got a blister or something here?

What is it? Let me see that.

‐Uh‐oh. Dr. Pierce. ‐HAWKEYE: Yeah.

‐Look. ‐What is it?

She'’s having a reaction to the serum.

Same thing over here, Hawk.

All these people are reacting.

What we need now is cool, calm leadership,

and thanks to Colonel Potter'’s dubious selection‐‐

we have none.

We have to dilute.

Why, what'’s the problem?

Full strength inoculations

could put them into anaphylactic shock.

I'’ll make arrangements for everybody to stay overnight.

I'’m really sorry for all this fuss. I appreciate your help.

Well, don'’t be too grateful. You haven'’t eaten dinner yet.

Hey. Hey!

Come on, slugger, it'’s time to go beddy‐bye.

Put 3, 400 pounds on this guy,

you got yourself a great sumo wrestler.

No, thanks. I'’m over‐matched at it is.

You know, at night, there'’s nothing I like better than

to sit back, relax, and think of these kids over a good stiff belt.

After a couple of rounds with these half pints,

I could use a couple of quarts myself.

‐I'’m not in shape for this. ‐I gotcha.

Oh, that was a nice field run, crazy legs.

And he huffs, and he puffs,

and he can'’t blow the house down.

And you know what happens then, Rita?

I call you Rita after my favorite movie star.

You'’re as pretty as she is.

Anyway,

the Big Bad Wolf slides right down the chimney.

‐(whistles descending tone) ‐(crying)

Hey. Hey, what'’s wrong?

Oh, don'’t worry.

Nothing'’s gonna hurt you here.

Come on now. I'’ll finish the story tomorrow night.

Honest. It has a happy ending.

‐KLINGER: Okay. ‐HAWKEYE: Night, kids.

Sweet dreams, kids. God knows, you deserve '’em.

Thanks for the buggy ride.

What'’s going on here, open house?

Klinger, I'’m‐‐

Who in the name of Annie'’s argyles are all these kids?

Ah, sir, welcome back to the black hole of Korea.

‐How'’s your friend in Tokyo? ‐Never you mind.

I asked you, who'’s this?

Oh, this is Private Rita, executive assistant clerk.

Cute as a bug in a Persian rug, isn'’t she, sir?

She'’s a Korean Myrna Loy, all right.

But what is she and the Dalton Gang doing here?

I told you about them on the phone. They came in here for shots.

But things got a little complicated.

Dr. Pierce says no problem.

Fine! Did my package arrive?

No, sir. The mail hasn'’t come in yet.

‐Ah! ‐Sir, this girl is a prodigy!

She just typed "dribnif," and correctly, I might add.

Wonderful. Take a lesson from her.

I'’m gonna go unpack and eat.

Don'’t mind him. It'’s his shorts.

Wow, how these kids can pack it in.

Yeah, well, I always did enjoy having breakfast in bedlam.

Hmm. Eggs.

Hey, those are eggs.

I guess I need an interpreter.

Well, you have to understand the Army'’s sense of humor.

Hey, the colonel'’s back!

Hello, sir! Come over here and sit with us.

Colonel, welcome back to P. S. 4077.

I'’m happy to report that things are both hunky and dory.

I return your sword of command, sir.

How'’s your friend in Tokyo?

I'’m not in a talking mood, Major.

Oh, how do you do, ma'’am?

Oh, Colonel. this is the lady who brought us all the kids.

Betty Halpern, Colonel Sherman Potter.

You two have a lot in common.

You'’re both in charge of children.

‐My pleasure. ‐How do you do, Colonel?