Family Guy

Ugh. This is gonna suck.

80% of these acts are either air guitar

or girls dancing to songs from Frozen.

Yeah, back in my day you had to be a triple threat

to even get on that stage.

You were a triple threat?

I sure was.

I could sing, dance,

and guess the weight of any baby that was tossed to me.

Eight pounds!

12-nine! A big one!

Three pounds? Someone couldn't wait to be here.

Did that really happen?

Nah, I just lip-synced "Born to Run."

The show is about to start.

I-Is Daddy still parking the car?

Yes. Everything takes him longer these days.

His cataracts are getting worse.

Hey, Lois, look over there, it's Jessica Chastain.

Oh, Daddy, that's Bryce Dallas Howard.

You're blind as a bat.

Okay, for the first of our 65 performances tonight...

- You got to be kidding! - Son of a bitch!

I agree. Now please welcome Meg Griffin

and Ruth Cochammer. No laughing.

It's "Coke-a-mer"!

Not in the boys' room it isn't.

Wake up, people, Monsanto is poisoning the world

with frankenfoods, and we're letting it happen.

Monsanto equals murder!

Monsanto equals murder! That's enough.

I am so sick of this being used as a platform

to attack genetically modified foods.

You can't silence the truth!

What, what?

It's over, Patty.

Hi, Patty. I like Patty.

Okay, up next, here's Evelyn Fong,

our 11-year-old high school junior.

Oh, my God.

What is that?

It's... it's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.

It's a violin, Peter.

And now, two football players are going to do something

that only makes sense to the rest of the football team.

Coach, the bus is here.

This is an away game?

It's true!

Remember that happened?

Those are the kids I bought beer for.

I got to take a leak. Daddy, you can't see.

Let me help you to the bathroom.

I can see fine.

All right, there's only so many seats on the bus.

One of you will have to sit next to me.

I will, Coach.

Oh! He talked on the whole bus ride!

How are you, gentlemen?

Dude! What the hell?

Whoa! With cataracts like those,

someone needs a big pair of glasses.

Hey! Jessica Chastain!

I'm glad you finally agreed to have

the cataract surgery, Daddy.

I wish I hadn't!

I can't see anything now! This is terrible!

Well, tha-that's why the whole family came to support you.

Oh, really? Oh, wow, that's so kind. Who's here?

Oh, uh, well, as you know, I'm here.

Who else? Uh, Stewie and Brian.

Hey, hope you feel better soon.

That doesn't sound like the whole family.

Hey, hope those eyes get better soon, Pop.

It's me, Peter. Shipoopi.

Oh, thanks for coming, Peter.

I-I'm here, too, Grandpa.

And, uh, and Meg went down to-to put money in the meter.

Aw, I don't care.

Now, Mr. Pewterschmidt, your vision will be impaired

for a few weeks while you recover.

I recommend you and your wife have someone around

to help you during this time.

Well, I'd love to help you, Daddy,

but Stewie's just been so fussy lately.

He's constantly crying for no reason.

What are you talking about? I'm fine.

Ow! Bitch!

She does this a lot!

You know, maybe Brian could help you.

He could be your service dog.

Come on, Lois, I don't want to do that.

Your father and I have nothing in common.

Brian, please. If you do this for me,

you'll be a hero... just like King Arthur

when he pulled the sword from the stone.

Oh... yeah!

Whew!

Oh, God, this is embarrassing.

I'm so sorry.

It's been, like, 500 years.

Aw, this is your big moment and I'm ruining it.

Peter, what the hell are you doing?

I'm learning violin. It's kind of like my new hobby.

Well, if we're talking about new hobbies...

What is this? It's a Mason jar

filled with layered sand.

You can put it in your bathroom

or anywhere you want to feel peaceful.

Now it's nothing.

I always liked the violin,

'cause it kind of has curves like a lady.

Hey, you know what? Maybe you guys can learn an instrument, too,

and then we could all play together.

Really? That sounds like a lot of work.

Yeah, no offense, muchacho, but I don't know

if I have time for that, muchacho.

Yeah, you're doing "muchacho" wrong.

Come on, guys, it could be cool.

I did play the oboe in high school,

and the girls wouldn't leave me alone.

Girls do like guys in a band.

I'm in. Giggity.

Oh, Quagmire, you are so predictable.

And that's why I love you, muchacho.

See? That's how you do "muchacho."

And, you know, there's four of us...

We could be a string quartet.

All right, I'll do it.

But first you guys got to do one thing for me.

Sure, Joe. What is it?

I want you to put me in the booth.

I want to feel like a person for a second.

Aw, yeah, sure, no problem.

All right, Quagmire, you do upper, I'll do lower?

Sure. Let's do it!

Wow. Thanks, guys.

Uh-oh.

Hey, guys, guys, put him back up.

I just thought of something.

This is gonna be a blast.

Mr. Pewterschmidt, your service dog has arrived.

Hey, Carter. Brian!

Y-You have a butler? Then why am I here?

Why can't he help you? What? That's stupid.

Who would announce him?

See, this right here,

this is the one-percenter crap I can't stand.

Yes, it is. Now, sit your 99-percenter ass down

and read me the comics.

Okay. The Wizard of Id is addressing his subjects.

Is he up on that balcony? Yes.

Ha-ha! Then it's a good one.

Okay, hang on, hang on, hang on.

Peter, what note are you playing?

I-I'm sorry, I'm not familiar. Note?

Haven't you been practicing?

All right, fine, I haven't.

But I've been doing other violin stuff.

Like I bought this jacket like what Bugs Bunny wears

when he's with that opera guy.

Wow, that looks sharp.

Yeah, I've been practicing how to sit down in it.

Ew, Peter, those tails are soaking wet.

They may have been in the toilet.

Brian! Get in here!

Wh-What's up? What do you need?

I'm done with my bath. Put on this lady wig

and help me out of the tub. What? Why do I have to wear a wig?

Otherwise it's weird.

Thank you, Penelope.

Hey, it's 4:30... Time for dinner.

But first, grab that Gold Bond and powder my speed bag.

Ah. There's the tingle.

Wow, so you can just bypass all that gridlock?

Having a helicopter's amazing!

And that's not all... I also use it

to throw boxes of frogs down on that church.

They go bananas!

Boy, I could really get used to this rich guy stuff.