Call Me Fitz

Relationships are complicated,

no matter what stage in the game...

Banging, dating, marriage...

banging someone you dated on the day they get married.

Look at her: pretty little Ali Devon,

concerned for my well-being, obviously reliving

that mind-blowing orgasm I just gave her.

So what if I'm on the lam for a murder I didn't commit?

Everything's cool, and she totally wants me.

We need to talk,

and be perfectly clear about what this means for us.

Uh-oh... She totally wants me.

Is there anything that you want to say?

Um...

I need to take a piss.

Committed relationships are for suckers at the best of times.

With the cops on your tail, you gotta move fast.

Don't get weighed down with extra baggage.

Good idea.

Listen, urinal cake, we gotta ditch Ali.

What?! We can't do that.

Sure we can. Just go back there and tell her

she's gotta piss now, 'cause we're not gonna stop again.

You know, it's funny... She just told me the same thing.

Huh? What?

Fuck!

Wait, Richard!

Hey, I'm still peeing! Richard!

Hey! Ali! Ali!

Fuck.

Richard, we can't run from the police forever.

We need to find Sonja now!

I need eggs, bacon, and single malt.

Richard, we can't afford alcohol.

We'll share the eggs, and no bacon.

You need to watch your cholesterol, mister.

What are we? A couple of anorexic high school girls?

Richard, we are down to our last $20,

and we can't use credit or debit

because we have to stay off the grid.

Otherwise, the police could track us down.

You are wanted for Sonja's murder.

Our only recourse is to find her and clear your name.

There is no way that I am spending

what could be the last week of my life

in jail or on the run with you.

Come on! We're doing okay.

You were gonna take a ride

from that creepy dude at the rest stop.

Gunther was a gentleman!

Don't worry, Richard; I will do whatever it takes

to exonerate you of these heinous accusations.

All I need... is a clue,

or a lead, or some, just, scrap of evidence.

Yeah, well, make it fast, Nancy Drew.

My handsome mug is plastered all over the news.

It's only a matter of time

before one of these mouth-breathers recognize me.

Richard, don't be ridiculous. Nobody is watching you--

Except for...

Holy fuck! Laverne!

I never anticipated there would come a time

when I wished you would speak.

It's fine.

Oh, I see. Well, I'm so sorry to bring you much regret.

Perhaps you too are merely adequate at intercourse.

It's not you, it's-- I feel guilty.

I barely broke up with your cousin,

and the next thing you know, we're--

Next thing you know, we are making the beast with two backs

sing sweetly from our loins.

I can see him, looking at me... disappointed.

Mocca-bear!

What are you doing here?

A vicious strain of Norwalk ravaged our vessel,

forcing our immediate return.

Were it not for this searing pain in my colon,

I never would have learned of this treachery.

Oh, I'm sorry!

Please forgive me! I'll do anything.

There is nothing to be done...

Except to consume vast amounts of Gatorade.

You have lost many electrolytes.

What? That's it? You're just gonna give up.

You're not even gonna fight for me?

Will you be quiet?

This man needs some rest, not your relentless camel braying.

You're a fucking waitress?

Sexual mysticism isn't exactly a growth industry.

Here is where I am having a problem...

You told me that Richard's shadowy figure

is "closer than we think."

Well, we have exhausted every resource at our disposal,

and are no closer to a solution, missy!

The solution is obvious, head cheese. She made it up.

Right, 'cause I got nothing better to do with my time.

You had me worrying about some bullshit curse,

when I should've been worried about finding Sonja

and squashing this murder warrant!

You're actually worried?

You're wanted for murder?

You didn't know I was wanted for murder?

Some fucking psychic you are.

I'm a little hit-and-miss.

How about another go-around?

Ooh, Richard! Ask where to look for Sonja!

Oh... Oh... Oh...

Oh... Cock-on-a-stick!

"Cock-on-a-stick." What does that mean?

It means you owe her our last 20, Sherlock.

What?

Nice car. It's a rental.

I never should've let you talk me into this.

I don't have the stomach for conspiracy.

Conspiracy? You proactively prosecuted. That's your job.

I should've stopped you

from putting that bloody knife in Fitz's trunk.

I knew it was wrong.

Chester, you didn't frame anyone. I make my own decisions,

and I decided to plant the knife.

Did you really think you could stop me?

But I can't go to jail

with all of the mobsters that I couldn't get off on mistrials.

They'll make me get them off, and-- Oh God, what if I like it?

Chester... give me your hand.

I know you're pathetic.

Why, you couldn't even keep your fiancée

from fucking her ex-boyfriend on your wedding day.

That's why I'm gonna make this easy for you.

One word. If the cops come asking,

deny... deny...

deny.

Okay, that hurts.

Just remember...

I'm the boss.

Richard, please,

we've been walking for hours.

My bovine allergy,

mixed with that cheese blintz back at the diner--

Pardon me. Richard, are you listening?

There.

This has to be it. Cock-on-a-stick!

Oh, no, I hope not,

because I saw a place like this in a horror movie once,

and the farm was owned by cannibals

who slaughtered travellers and then... ate them!

Yeah...

My cousin brought his girlfriend out here once to mess around.

The police didn't find their mutilated bodies for a year.

I heard about that. Didn't he dismember them with a chainsaw?

Worse. They were bludgeoned to death...

with a chainsaw!

Let's just rescue Sonja and get the hell out of here

before our severed heads before some mutant hillbilly's sex toy.

Richard, what if we find her and she's been dismembered?

What if they're eating her as we speak?

Wait here, you nancy.

Holy shit... Laverne was right. We actually found you.

Mr. Fitz?

What are you doing here?

I'm here to save you...

unless you've been abducted by one of those polygamist cults,

'cause I could get behind that.

I wasn't abducted. I came home to my family.

Your family of lesbians?

I'm Amish.

You are not.

You never did listen to me.

All those times I told you

that I was on my Rumspringa to test my faith,

to see if I was committed to returning to the Amish church?

I always thought Rumspringa was your safe word.

You know, it still can be.

I have relinquished the English ways,

and returned to my roots.

And you have to go!

No, no way! I'm being framed for your murder,

and since you're the one who ran off, you fucking owe me.

You made me leave!

Richard! Help! Cannibal hillbillies!

Olaf, put the pitchfork down.

Sonja! You're alive! Thank goodness!

Sonja, this English was besmirching our goat.

I was not besmirching it. I was petting!

What goes on here?

I'm sorry, Olaf. I know Larry from my Rumspringa.

It is indeed a pleasure.

I have to say, I find your culture fascinating.

The humility, the abstinence...

The cannibalism... not too keen on. Gotta be honest.

We're not cannibals, Larry.

You're thinking of the Mennonites.

Richard Fitzpatrick.

Call me Fitz.

I know all about you, Fitz.

Your exploits, your wanton ways,

and I will not allow you to corrupt Sonja anymore.

I never twisted her arm...

unless, of course, she wanted me to.