You Me Her

Previously on "You Me Her"...

- So, this is happening. - Listen to me.

I just finished telling someone that I was the complication.

- What someone? - Ruby.

Fuck this.

Jack left,

and you said he never leaves.

- Clomid time. - You must really want a kid.

Maybe I can thank you for real

by taking you out to dinner tomorrow night.

I have no fucking clue

what I want sexually

or reproductively.

- I'm falling for you. - I have to get to class.

I'm scared shitless. I can't sleep.

Do you really think that I'm rebound girl?

Well, define rebound.

Why don't you call Weird Janis and her lover

and find out the appropriate attire

for this cleansing ceremony?

Okay, fine... Mom.

You do realize that you can't just say "Weird Janis and her lover."

Oh, it's some freaky chick at his agency.

Let me be excruciatingly clear.

If you tell Lori about this,

- I will... - You'll break my legs?

This'll make you feel better.

Jack has a big, romantic dinner

with an ex-girlfriend tonight?

If you go on this date tonight

instead of going to help Emma survive the next two days,

when she knows that I came here to get you,

there's no turning back.

I know who he's with.

Ruby.

Do you think it's Jack?

He has a key.

Right.

Oh, God.

- What? - My parents could be early.

Well, you're gonna have to answer the door at some point, Em.

We can do this.

Yeah.

Oh, what? You want me to hide?

You want me to hide?

Not so much hide. Just...

... don't be seen.

Like, stay up here.

Sure. Awesome.

Bring me some leftovers.

Don't forget about me.

Coming!

Lose your key?

Can I come in?

Shit, yeah. Come on in. It's, uh...

You don't need an invitation.

So, uh...

Did you really have a date?

It wasn't a date.

What was it?

Something I decided not to do.

Well, I guess I should be grateful, right?

- I mean, at least you didn't... - I love you.

I love you.

Yay! The other dickhead is back!

I could've done that, you know,

'cause I am like a motherfucking yoga ninja.

I don't know how other throuples do it

without one of them always feeling

like they were the odd human out.

Is there a support group for polyamory somewhere?

Please, there's a support group for dandruff sufferers.

Did I hear that right?

You wanna work this out?

I should've come and gotten you.

I never should've left.

Emma's made me give up everything worth living for.

Uh, she means toxic levels of booze, weed, and pizza.

She's making me drink this disgusting potion

that's supposed to, like,

cut the pot out of your fat cells,

but, really, all it's doing is just, like,

destroying my entire digestive system.

Oh, cry me a river

with your brave and harrowing cleanse journey.

I...

I die a little every second I'm at work.

And with rent this high,

I'm gonna have to start my firm in a yurt,

so I win.

Guess we're all caught up now.

Yeah.

Um...

except for Seattle?

Is that a thing, Em?

Yeah. Is it?

No.

Not anymore.

How about we, uh,

keep working on that whole "fuck it out" thing?

Yeah, "fucking it out" is a versatile

and indispensable relationship salve.

So, when does the Seaver RV come and crash the party?

Oh, shit.

Oh, there's so much to do.

Like what? The house is clean.

Reeks horribly of pumpkin spice...

Okay, can you give the fucking candles a break already?

Sorry. That was a little over the top.

My parents make me a tad... psychotic.

Speaking of your parents,

what's the plan for this one right here?

And we're back to referring to me in the third person.

Awesome.

Guess what... "this one" is right here,

and she has ears on both sides of her head.

I also hate it when you guys do the married-forever telepathy thing

so I don't know what's going on.

Look at you.

Right? Look at her.

How do you wake up so pretty?

I know.

- It's truly amazing. - Mm-hmm.

What's happening?

Okay, here's the dealio...

You gotta leave.

- What? - Well done.

So gentle.

- It's true. - What?!

- Just... - Wait. No, no, no, no, no.

No, the keeper of the goddamn throuple flame

is the one that has to go?

Shit.

Shit. Baby doc appointment.

I completely spaced that.

- 30 minutes. - We gotta go.

We can drop her off on the way.

Okay, one more third-person reference,

and I'm gonna fucking snap.

Hey.

You do understand the fundamental principle

of why I needed to get back here

before Hal and Rita landed, right?

Izzy, I'm sorry...

but there's no version of "normal suburban life"

that includes you.

Hal and Rita already think the only reason we don't have a kid

is that we're too weird and we don't want one badly enough.

Okay, so what does happen to me

if you're pregnant?

Is that where I get off?

Because "there's no version of normal suburban life

that includes me"?

- No. - No.

A baby doesn't change the three of us.

Oh, do you promise that?

Yeah. Promise.

Izzy, we love you.

And our baby would love you, too.

Jack and Emma's baby in Jack and Emma's house?

It's fine.

I'll stay at Nina's for a few nights.

Right, it'll just be a few nights, so...

Yeah. And then we'll come and get you, and we'll bring you home.

Okay.

I think that went relatively well.

I don't.

So, that's... that's it?

But we had so much sex.

I'm very sorry.

But, no, Emma, that's not "it."

Fertility medication is just one path to conception.

Okay, so what would be next?

Well, based on what we know,

my professional recommendation would be surrogacy.

So it would still be our baby,

but just in somebody else's womb?

A carefully screened but qualified surrogate

from a reputable agency.

All right, well, how do we start?

Well, how about we start with a conversation?

- Well... - A private conversation?

I... I'm sorry.

- I didn't mean to jump ahead. - It's okay. It's okay.

Take your time.

Make sure you're both on the same page...

bringing a third person into your relationship

in such an intimate way

can be emotionally complex and challenging.

You have no idea.

So just barely introduce the Vermouth,

like wave it over the glass.

Oh, and I'll take some of those blue cheese olives you got there.

Oh.

Right... Chat later.

- You going camping? - Yeah, at your place.

I'm the odd chick out again.

I thought Jack was down and out,

and Emma was going full flannel in the Emerald City?

Yeah, Jack's back.