The Cleveland Show

* Right back in my hometown *

* With my new family *

* There's old friends and new friends *

* And even a bear *

* Through good times and bad times *

* It's true love we share *

* And so I found a place *

* Where everyone will know *

* My happy mustached face *

* This is The Cleveland Show. *

Bitchin' bods! Totally awesome!

I ain't afraid of no ghost!

You ladies want a ride in my bran d-new '84 Trans Am?

Forget about those sophomore chicks, Terry.

We're graduating this year.

Class of '84.

Man, I can't wait for the 1984 Olympics this year!

It was 1984.

All right, you animals, listen up, now.

Our man Cleveland Brown is officially a legend.

Not only did he win last night's game

with a home run in the bottom of the ninth,

but Coach McFall said they're gonna retire his number

after the season.

To Hot Brown Number Nine!

Yeah! Yeah!

How shot J.R.?

Are y'all drinking beer?!

Hey. Wally Farker, right?

You want in?

It's Farquhar.

And no, I don't want in.

But in is what I'm gonna turn you--

in to the principal.

Oh, come on, all we're doing is letting off a little steam.

Don't touch me!

That's how you get AIDS.

Ha! What Wally doesn't know

is that I'm wearing a condom right now.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm off to report you to the principal.

Uh-uh!

What you talkin' about, Wallace?

Hold this.

Uh, ew...

Hey, guys, look!

He's peeing himself!

: Oh... no...

It's all over my thigh and pocket contents.

No!

* *

He peed on his thigh and pocket contents!

Hey, you want a cold one?

Does Amy Winehouse pick at her skin a lot?

Man, all this talk about the old baseball field.

Know what I say we do?

Start a fight with those old ladies

in red hats and purple dresses at the mall?

No. (laughs)

Come on, get serious.

No, I was gonna... (laughs)

Okay, seriously,

I was gonna say... Aw!

Yee-haw!

Ow!

Yaah! (bone breaks)

Did you see me?

I was all, "Yaah!" (laughs)

Now, if I may finish the point I was making earlier,

we should stop by the old ball field.

Oh, cool! Maybe after that,

we can drive over and visit my daughter.

I haven't seen her for a year and a half.

We'll see how we're doing on time.

Look at this place!

The bleachers are covered with racist,

occasionally hilarious graffiti.

I'm surprised the team can even play on this mess.

Oh, no, there is no team.

When Wally became principal,

he disbanded the baseball program.

Disbanded the team?!

But baseball's our slowly dying national pastime.

Oh, this is a worse travesty than that remake of Chinatown

with Miley Cyrus.

She's my sister!

She's my daughter!

She's my sister and my daughter!

Is that wacky tabacky?

Uh... no.

Oh, thank goodness.

You're good kids.

But watch the height of that five.

All fives must be shoulder-height or below.

Mm. Smells like a relaxing afternoon around here.

Hey, Wally, this school needs a baseball team.

Can't afford it-- not with the popularity of the Math Club

and the Fluffers, my a cappella singing group.

What if I could raise the money before the season starts?

Why not? I'd love to see you raise five grand in a week.

Thank you. I meant that sarcastically.

Oh. Well, then screw you.

Thank you. What?

You said screw me.

I take that to mean you're attracted to me.

I'm gonna walk away now.

Bye-bye.

Love baseball.

Love pound cake more.

These cakes got nuts in 'em? No.

Not allergic-- just don't want nuts in my mouth.

This guy gets it; this guy'll get it later.

Homophobia's no laughing matter.

: Although, if you really think

about what they do to each other,

it is kind of funny.

I don't know how they're not giggling the entire time.

We've made $422 in five days!

We're on our way.

Terry, how'd you do?

I got us this check for $120,000.

How'd you do that?

Old moneybags Waterman gave it to me.

All I had to do was reach out and take it.

Oh, Terry, I have that donation you asked about.

But I'm carrying this large stack of books at the moment.

Perhaps you could just, um...

reach into my pocket and take the check yourself?

Eh, whatever's clever.

120 grand?!

Hey, thanks, Mr. Waterman!

You're good people.

Think nothing of it, Terry.

Uh, I'll have what he's having.

* We built this ballpark *

* We built this ballpark on a gay dude's *

* Cash... *

* *

* Say you don't know me *

* Or recognize my face *

* Say you don't care *

* Who goes *

* To that kind of place *

* Knee-deep in the hoopla *

* Sinking in your fight... *

Hey! We got our field back!

You get the hell out of here!

("Take Me Out to the Ball Game" plays in background)

This is great, Cleveland.

Baseball is what the kids in this town need

so that they can focus and not listen to the...

to the Pink Floyd records all the time!

Do you drug-test the players?

No.

: Awesome.

Oh-ho! Hey, all about the civil liberties, this one.

I know my boy's a little tiny

on account of we nursed him on root beer,

but he likes to dance around like a moron

and has a high tolerance for heat.

Well, I think we've got ourselves a mascot!

Cool! It smells like beer and throw up!

Hey, Junior, where are you headed

so, quote, "fast," unquote?

Inside. I got a big day ahead of me.

You sure do.

Come here.

Son, I'm so proud I can officially

pass on the name given to me by Coach McFall: Hot Brown.

What do you say, Hot Brown Jr.?

No, thank you -- I have no interest in baseball.

Sorry. His reaction surprised me.

Junior, at least give it a try.

I can't, Daddy-- I'm signing up

for a different afte r- school activity: Math Club.

I'm sorry. I sent away for this months ago.

Principal Farquhar says I have

the second highest trigonometry scores in the whole...

Eh-eh-eh-eh, back up.

Math Club?

Who cares about math?

I do!

Right this way, Cleveland Jr.

Math Club sign-ups right this way.

Attaboy.

Oh, great!

What else bad could happen?

Oh (bleep).

Hey, here's to Cleveland for bringing baseball to town,

so that all our sons, except his, can enjoy it.

Oh, what would Coach McFall say if he knew my boy chose

the Math Club over the baseball team?

McFall? Isn't that the name of, uh, the old alkie

who mops up the floor for free drinks?