MASH - Sixth Season (M*A*S*H)

This needs more heat. Put it in the sun.

You want it fermented, not melted. Don't argue with me.

I majored in this. Top fifth of your class?

Sir? Captain Hunnicutt‐‐

Radar, not so loud. You wanna bruise it? I'm sorry.

Shh. Hold on to your livers. I'm going in for a taste.

How can you sirs do that to yourselves?

Everybody's gotta have a hobby, Radar. Ours is committing suicide.

What do you got? Hopefully, one air conditioner.

Oh, no, it's a telegram from your wife. You know, Mrs. Hunnicutt?

Telegram? Yeah.

Just phoned it in. It's in Korean.

No, that's my handwriting.

"Dorman ready to sell us our acre in Stinson Beach. Stop.

Need $200 by the 15th for down payment. Stop. Love, Peg. Stop."

Radar, stop.

Yahoo! Sir, people are looking!

I can't believe it! Good news?

Peg and I have wanted this property ever since we were married.

It's got trees, the beach, a view of San Francisco, everything!

Sounds all right if you're willing to settle for everything.

The 15th? Hawk, today's the 15th!

I gotta have this money today, and I don't have it.

Well, don't look at me. I just spent my last five bucks...

on a subscription to Frolicking Nudists.

Saved 50 cents off the newsstand price.

‐ Radar, could you‐‐ ‐ Sixteen dollars and 27 cents.

But it's all yours. Well, that's a start. You can get a tree with a view.

Damn! Now somebody else will buy that land and put up a shopping center.

Uh, speaking of that somebody‐‐

Good morning, Charles. Good morning, gentlemen.

Corporal. Warm today, isn't it, Charles?

I wouldn't know. Charles, B. J. needs $200. Lend him some, will ya?

Very subtle, Hawk. $200? That's a lot of money.

Not for you, sir. Of course not for me.

I was referring to Pierce's depleted friend.

Charles, I need it to make a down payment on some property that's very important to me.

I don't know.

It would mean parting with most of my ready cash. I like to stay liquid.

Hence, the rubber sheets. Slip back into your coma, Pierce.

It's a matter of life or death.

Look, tomorrow's payday. You'll have it back in your hand just as soon as I get paid.

Well, you obviously can't leave town.

Charles, I'll be indebted to you for the rest of my life.

It'll take him that long to pay you back.

Radar‐‐ Don't hug me.

Get this money to Peg.

I'm halfway there already. I'm depending on you.

Oh, sir? Congratulations, and many more of 'em.

Go, go, go, go! All right! Fine.

This calls for a toast. Of that?

Mother Pierce's Liquid Land Mine.

You sip it. You sip it through a fuse.

Thank you, no. I make it a point never to consume anything...

that's been aged in a radiator.

He knows what he's missing.

To God's little acre. And his gardener.

Attention! Attention! Incoming wounded.

First medical team report to the chopper pad.

Well, celebrate fast around here.

Ready for the next one, Klinger. Captain Pierce got the last guy.

Please, take the rest of the siege off.

Okay, if anyone wants me, I'll be in my tent...

marinating the old bunions.

Bon "appe‐feet." Corny. Corny.

Take it away, Klinger. The leg goes in traction.

Ladies first. Roy!

‐ See you for dinner, Beej? ‐ Our little spot.

Hunnicutt, could I trouble you for a consultation?

On my way.

This small bowel look perforated to you?

I can't see it. Retract the liver.

Both my hands are tied up at the moment. Could you do it?

As long as I'm in the neighborhood. Fresh gloves. Retractor.

So, you're moving up to real estate, eh?

Stinson Beach is not real estate. It's heaven with a view.

Dad owned some property like that once.

Out on the Cape. Hyannisport. Gee, we loved to go there.

Then this large family moved in next door.

Nouveau riche.

Played a perpetual game of touch football on their lawn.

Naturally, we moved out.

They'll let those nouveaus live anywhere. Wipe.

I've got some photos of my property, if you're interested.

Of course I'm not interested.

You know, you were extremely fortunate that I was around with that money.

Thanks again. Oh, don't‐don't mention it.

It did work out well for you though.

Peachy. No perforations here.

Good. Do me a small favor? If it's small enough.

Just kidding, Charles. What is it? Uh, close the patient for me.

Well, it's your patient. Just this once.

I'm due in post‐op in half an hour. I'd really like to grab a little bite first.

That's not the usual procedure, Charles.

Just this once? It's been a long day,

what with casualties, business transactions.

Right. Go grab your bite.

Thank you.

I think I should've stolen the money.

And here, where this rock is, will be the living room.

Or maybe the garage. I hope you make up your mind before you lay down carpeting.

Good morning, Charles. Good morning, B. J.

No, I do not want to look at your land. You're jealous.

Olive drab with envy.

Ahh. What time's pay?

At 11:00 or 1100 hours. I can never keep that straight.

Good. We have time to enjoy breakfast and still recover from it.

Which one of these shirts goes best with my pants?

Uh, the green one. You're right.

It matches my skin. Hurry up, okay?

Yeah.

Hunnicutt, before you leave, I sure could go for a cup of coffee.

So go. Pot's on the stove.

See, I'd like to, but I have this bad back.

Would you be a good egg and pour me a cup?

Winchester, is this some kind of game?

Game?

"Close for me." "Get me a cup of coffee."

I have the feeling I've become your $200 houseboy.

Well, I'm certainly surprised at your attitude.

If you feel that way about it, I'll get it.

It's just a simple little thing, for heaven's sake. Ooh! Please, leave.

‐ Anything else? ‐ No. Take it black.

See you at 11:00.

Are you still in Korea? I thought you got smart and went home.

Can you believe the nerve of that guy?

Wait. Don't tell me. Let me guess.

"Oh, Hunnicutt, since I lent you that money,

would you be a good sport and simonize my head?"

Don't give him any ideas. You're a schnook.

Thanks. That's nice.

You're the kind of guy who lets that kind of guy get to you.

So you massage the clown's ego for 24 hours. What do you care?

You're still the one with the Golden Gate in your backyard.

You're right. You know, sometimes it takes a simple mind like yours...

to work things out. I'm glad I could be of help.

Hunnicutt, do get the door. Of course.

Thank you.

Donald has a brilliant system.

I send him my pay, and he sends me an allowance of $30 a week.

It's a swell system. He says by the time the war is over,

we'll have saved enough to buy our off‐post dream house.

When we got ours, it came with a mother‐in‐law. Ah.

Fortunately for me, World War I started the next day.

Sang Mu is waiting behind Rosie's.

Hot dog! Who's Sang Mu?

Korea's answer to Marshall Field's.

Six floors of merchandise jammed into one ricksha.

Part of my pay's going to a spiffy blanket for my little mare.

I think she's using you. Wait'll you see the string of pearls Sang Mu set aside for me.

Klinger, when are you gonna give up this inane masquerade? Ask him.

Sir, permission to whisper in your ear?

What's the problem?

What do you mean, there's not enough pay?

That‐‐ Never mind that. Just spit it out, son.

Okay. Headquarters in Tokyo fouled up...

and sent part of our pay to a bakery unit in Guam.

It's gonna take at least a week to straighten it all out.

At ease, at ease.

Shut 'em up. All right, Radar, take whatever money came,

pool it, and pay off the enlisted men until the well runs dry.

‐ ‐ Colonel, what about the officers?

‐ S. O. P., Major. ‐ To hell with regulations!

Ooh, Major. Don't yell at my bird.

I'm sorry, sir. It's just that Donald will be so disappointed.

Forget about Donald. What am I gonna do about Winchester?

Simple. Ask for a second mortgage.

Sweetheart, I'm only asking for a week's advance.

It's not as if it were my fault, darling.

Listen, Donald, I send you every paycheck.

You can shoot some back for once.

Then cash in one of our lousy savings bonds!

It's been five minutes, Major. How would you like me to stuff this up your nose?

No, thank you, ma'am. But we do sort of need our telephone.

You'll get it when I get off! Now, get out! Right.

I cannot believe you are gonna be this cheap.

What? A guy can't even have his own office.

What?

I hope your colonel's well.

I think it's about time we made some changes in our little system.

Send the money!

Donald, don't you dare hang up on me! You just sit there and listen to this!

Love's a wonderful thing, son.

Oh, Colonel.

Donald and I were merely‐‐ Say no more, Major.

Why don't you hold back a few dollars from your pay?

‐ Uh, from now on, I will. ‐ You're learning.

I appreciate the advice, sir.

Advice is cheap. So is Colonel Donald.

‐ How dare you! ‐ Well, you said it first.

Excuse me. Twerp!

That fella's married to a live grenade.

He's lucky. He's in Tokyo, out of range.

You want to send a telegram to Mrs. Potter? Radar, I want to send‐‐

Must be important. It's kind of important.

Shoot, sir. She's gotta send me 50 bucks,

or I'll lose Sophie's new blanket.

I could lend you the money, sir. Oh, nice gesture, son.

But it wouldn't be right. Why not?

'Cause you I'd have to pay back. Better believe it.