English Teacher

Here. Why? Why?

Siri, text Malcolm.

Hey, Malcolm, comma.

I'm at this fun teachers' conference thing in Dallas, comma.

You should come, period.

I have a hotel room with a view of, like, the parking lot. LOL, period.

Obviously, we can have sex and stuff too, period.

Hi.

-Yo. - Hey.

Dallas Teachers and Learning Conference.

- Coming in. - Hey. Hi.

-The most fun weekend of the year. - Coming in.

-Free hotel, free continental breakfast. -Oh.

Everybody saying teachers are the real heroes.

You wanna meet a real hero, get rescued by the SWAT team.

How would I get in a situation to get rescued by the SWAT team?

-I have to drive my car off a bridge? -Right.

What does the SWAT team do? They kill people?

Oh, there he is. You excited for your speech tomorrow?

Yeah. I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready.

-Grant speech! - So good. His big speech.

It is so bad. He has jokes in there that are so not funny. Look at this.

"Arnold Schwarzenegger voice, 'I'll teach math.'" Oh, my God.

And he says, "Hold for ha ha ha."

We gotta do some punch ups.

Hello, everyone. It's been a very hard start to the year in fiscal terms.

And I'll be blunt, when it comes to the teachers pension fund,

we're approaching what I would generously call worst-case scenario.

-Damn, girl. -Thank God I don't have to worry about that pension shit.

I got my money doing other things, if you know what I mean.

You know, you still have a pension. It happens automatically.

Shut up, dude.

Post-COVID, 20% to 25% of students are, in a sense, hopeless.

- -So, yes,

we are starting to encourage teachers to get a second full-time job.

A second full-time job?

Teachers can now be sued by their students.

-And here's why that's bad. -Damn.

Students are striking teachers either with their fists or blunt objects 30%...

Is it all bad news this year?

There's a fucking viral video of one of these kids beating my ass.

This is so depressing.

I feel like teaching is just over.

Did we choose a dying profession?

No, I think a dying profession chose us.

Hey, yo, you guys gotta meet Mitch.

Get this. He might be our new coworker soon.

-He likes football. - Exciting.

-Cool. Nice to meet you. That's so exciting. -Mitch. Mitch. Good to meet you.

What did you interview for?

For new PE teacher and athletic director.

The new PE teacher?

Yeah, I met with, um, Grant Mariachi?

-Principal Moretti. -Grant Moretti.

Grant Moretti, yeah. It went really well.

Wait. But did you interview to be

an additional PE teacher or to replace the one that's there?

Replacement, replacement.

Arms up. Right in the middle, right?

Now you got the ball, right? Secure it.

-Whoa. Here. -Take our spots in line.

Oh, sick. Told you these guys rock.

-Beer or tequila? Yes! -Both.

- It's insane. - So sad.

Really hope this is not the case.

-Grant. -Oh, fuck.

Yes?

- Hey. -Are you firing Markie?

That's complex.

-Wait, you're already in a robe? -Yes, yes.

When I check into a hotel, I get into my robe immediately. One of life's little pleasures.

Plus, I got the room upgrade. So, there's a steam shower in there.

-Thank you. -Wait. Are you firing Markie or not?

There are certain things that my job requires me to do

-that I might not necessarily want to do. -You're firing Markie.

-Oh, my God. Holy shit. - Oh, God.

Gwendolyn, Evan, let's not make this

any more complicated than it already is, all right?

The end. Now, can you leave me alone, please?

Wait. We had a couple thoughts about your speech.

Oh. All right. What are those thoughts?

Some of the jokes are bad or--

No, no, no, no, I'm not doing this right now. No, thanks.

-But if we just help you-- -I'm having robe time.

We'll talk about this at dinner. Goodbye.

What do you think happens during robe time?

Probably watches Extra with Mario Lopez.

Grant was acting so weird.

I know. He's acting like he's hiding a hooker.

-Evan? Holy shit. -Oh, my God. Pasha.

-Dude, how are you? -Talk about a blast from the past.

This is Pasha. This is one of my best friends from college.

-Hi. What's up? -Nice to meet you.

-You're here with what? Sourcely? -Yeah, we...

we bang off, like, ten of these things a year.

-Whoa. -What does, uh, Sourcely do?

There's, like, a giant market for unused grid power.

And so what we do is corporate-side energy arbitrage.

-Mmm. Yeah, yeah. -So, we work with like,

municipalities, commercial real estate, even some residential.

-Oh, yeah, for sure. -Yeah.

Five to seven years someone's going to come out on top of this sector.

-Might as well be us. -Exactly.

- Exactly. Yeah. -Yeah.

Wait, wait. Is this wifey?

No, I'm still gay. This is Gwen, my best friend.

-You haven't converted him yet. -Best friend.

I'm trying. I'm trying to get him in the sack.

-Uh, I love that. -Yeah. We work together.

-We're, um... We're teachers. -Oh, nice.

- We're teachers. -Teachers?

-I gotta say, you guys are the real heroes. -Thank you.

-Hey, listen, I gotta peace out, but let's link tonight. -Yeah, let's hang out.

-You want some swag bags? - Hell yeah.

- Really? -Yeah.

-I love swag bags. We don't get swag bags. -Oh, my God.

All right, cool. Listen, I'll message you, and we'll hang tonight.

Yeah. Yeah. Let's let it rip.

Wow.

I can't picture you guys being friends. He's so business-y.

He does this thing when he's drunk. He just shows you his dick. It's like...

Oh, you love that.

If you decrease

the amount of education being administered,

you'll also be decreasing burnout.

And isn't that, after all, what we're all trying to do?

How often do you go up to Grant

and, like, tell him that you appreciate him as a boss?

-Why? -Good vibes, job security, whatever.

Grant would never have the balls to fire me. Dude's a coward.

You remember the chem teacher, Ms. Davidson?

She missed, like, three months last year.

-Kept her job. -She was on maternity leave.

Have you guys seen her baby? It's so tall. Freaks me out.

I had to block her on Instagram. It looks like Slender Man.

Now I'll take any questions you may have about student burnout.

What is going on? These seminars are bumming me out, man.

Mmm. This chicken piccata is flames. Foof!

I have to order another. Hey, papi.

You're gonna get another one? You shouldn't even eat that one. It looks undercooked.

I asked for it that way. Chicken's like salmon.

You want the pink part to be room temp, hon.

Okay, hon.

Grant, these jokes.

"Teachers lounge. Yeah, they sure do." What?

It's in there, like, four times.

It's called a callback.

Call back that joke.

Evan, Gwendolyn, I know my audience. I know what I'm doing.

If you don't wanna rework the jokes, maybe we can cut them.

It doesn't have to be like a comedy speech.

No, he doesn't have to lose the jokes if he's willing to lose the entire speech.

-It's like a page one rewrite at best. -Markie.

I mean, he means, like, yeah, there's still time to polish it.

He's saying it can be good. It has potential to be good.

Yeah, polish this part about how you love driving through car washes.

-Mm-hmm. -What does that have to do with being a principal?

-I get to it at the end. Just read on, read on. -This reads like you can't read.

Like you assigned a bunch of kids in detention to write it for you.

Wait.

My cousin created his own version of ChatGPT

to write a more fucked-up version of Breaking Bad dude.

You can use that for your speech.

That's it. I'm... I'm done eating. Thank you very much.

-Thank you very much. - Grant.

I mean, what's he gonna do? Fire me?

Oh, my God.

-Hey, queen. What's up? - Oh, my God.

-Whoa, Malcolm. I forgot I invited you. -Hi.

-Hi. -Okay, thank you.

Sorry. I'm, like, exhausted.

We had this crazy day where we were, like, we were at all these seminars.

And, like, every seminar is, like,

"This is why teaching is worse than it's ever been.

And here's how to deal with your students hitting you."

And it was like, oh, my God.

-Oh, no. -What?

I came here to fuck and order room service. I drove, like, three hours.

And now you're talking about, "Am I living the life I'm supposed to live?" Like...

No, but I'm serious. Like, just talk to me for a second, okay?

Do you really think I should be a teacher?

Like, is it worth it?

Am I like that guy pushing the boulder up the hill?

-What's his name? -Robert?

Question eight.

Name the five types of proteins available on the Chipotle menu.

-Okay, lamb. -Immediately no.

What was the question to number three?

We wrote James Madison and then crossed it out and put Run-D.M.C. That can't be right.

You should come down to the batting cages, man.

I know the guy there. He'll let me unplug the machine. I can just...

And then I would just...

Socking dingers all day!

This is so crazy. He's, like, talking to his replacement and he doesn't even know.

Oh, my God. We have to do something about it.

He's gonna figure this out later and be like, "You guys didn't tell me."

-I don't wanna be the one to tell him. -Me neither.

I feel like that's kind of a job for Grant, if we're gonna be honest.

-He's the principal. -He's the principal.

Okay, good. It was good working through that with you.