Mom

Mom?

Adam?

Yes.

I said I didn't want to go, and you made me go.

No.

Then you sat there like a lump.

I finally find a couple we can be couple friends with,

and you consciously uncoupled us.

The guy called soccer "football." He's from Milwaukee.

There's no excuse for that.

Why are you so hung up on having couple friends?

It's what you do when you get married.

You cultivate relationships with other couples.

You go to movies together, you meet for sushi,

you stay at their beach house.

They had a beach house.

Really? Do they have any kids my age?

Don't bother. He killed it.

And not the good kind of "killed it" like you young people say.

Fine, if it'll make you happy, I'll have another brutal dinner

with a couple of hipsters you met at the Artichoke Festival.

Are you kidding? 'Cause when I said we should do this again,

their voices jumped three octaves.

"Yeah, absolutely!"

Well, if you're looking for a fun hang,

I'll go out with you guys.

Yeah, absolutely.

It's just, I've waited so long to get married,

I want the whole married package,

and that package includes couple friends.

You know, the kind you go on bicycle trips with.

Adam's in a wheelchair.

- Or take wine-tasting classes. - You're an alcoholic.

Or help you bury relentlessly negative friends in the desert.

She's taking a shot at you. I don't know if you caught it.

Like those idiots could bury me.

Well, couple friends are great until two of you stay behind

in the lodge while your spouses go skiing,

and next thing you know, your husband's asking you

how you got rug burns on your knees playing Scrabble.

Well, you just got a lot more interesting.

Um, hello?

Hi.

Not you.

- What about me and Andy? - Interesting pitch. Bring it home.

Well, I do believe I am the only other one

at this table who's coupled up.

Some of us are just a little pickier.

Maybe a little too picky.

For the last time, I'm not gonna date

any of your widowed mall-walking friends.

Seymour is a very vigorous 72.

- That's still way too... - We'll talk about this at home.

I'll take a mall walker.

As long as he doesn't actually have a walker.

Oh, screw it, he can have a walker.

But he has to have his hair.

Ugh, what do I need hair for?

I'm desperate, too. I just hit on my Sparkletts guy.

It didn't go well. I can't have water now.

You know, you and Andy could be fun.

We think so.

I mean, you don't have a vacation home,

but you do have a nice pool.

I have a vacation home.

- You do? - No. Not in Santa Barbara, not anywhere

Split six ways? Actually, I only had soup.

Oh, I did have two iced teas.

I'll get the calculator.

I'm gonna hit the ladies'.

Tell me what I owe you when I get back.

I'll go with you. You know what they say about BLTs.

You don't buy 'em, you rent 'em.

Wouldn't that be true of all food?

I find it's best not to press these things.

I don't have to go, I just need to talk.

Oh, okay. I'll just, I'll just be a minute.

No, Marjorie is driving me nuts.

Can this wait a sec?

Christy, I was in prison seven years. The mystery's gone.

Okay, don't have to go anymore.

You see how she's going all Scrooge McDuck with the bill?

That's nothing compared to how she is at home.

She's cheap, she's controlling.

I mean, even the cats are avoiding her.

I'm serious. We exchange knowing glances.

You think it's hard living with Marjorie?

Try living with my mother.

She is the reason I don't bring guys home.

Well, she's one of the reasons.

Does Bonnie freak out

when you accidentally throw out the Valpak?

"Damn it to hell, you threw out the Valpak!"

That is such a Marjorie word. "Valpak."

Oh, you know what's another good one?

"Trash bag."

"Tammy, I found a Valpak in the trash bag."

It's not funny when you live with it, Christy.

If it's so bad, why don't you save up some money

and get your own place?

I have enough money now.

I'm crushing it with the handyman stuff.

Williams-Sonoma has me fixing stuff there

for the next three weeks.

Did you know that they make pasta with zucchini?

Still vegetables.

You have money to live alone without an annoying older woman?

That's my dream.

You each owe 16 bucks, so wipe it, zip it, wrap it up.

Move out.

Do it, do it for me.

Get out. It's a grill and a stick-burning smoker?

Buddy, you can make a cake with this thing.

Won't it stink?

Yeah. But you made it in a barbecue.

And check this out. You can isolate zones.

I'm going slow and low on the pork butt

while I sear with high heat on the lamb chops.

See this? It's my mind.

Know why it's over here? 'Cause it's blown.

- To meat. - Meat.

Look at 'em. It's like the best play-date ever.

I don't think I'm gonna get mine to leave.

You guys are such a nice break from Andy's cop friends.

I mean, how many times can a girl laugh

when a guy says "Don't worry, it is a gun in my pocket."

I'm willing to bet at least one of them wasn't a gun.

Herb, with the lingering hugs.

I got to say, I'm glad we did this.

Doing this couple thing is fun.

It is. So this Santa Barbara house,

if we climb a tree, can we see Oprah?

- To dessert. - To dessert.

They should make meat dessert.

Like meat in a pie.

Meatloaf pot pie.

But no peas.

Why do people ruin everything with peas?

Get out of here, peas.

Mm. Okay.

Whoa.

One more Predator handshake.

Do you want to be Dutch?

I am Dutch.

What's the matter, Dillon?

FBI got you pushing too many pencils?

Did we look this stupid when we were drinking?

Yes, but I still got laid.

And let's be honest, so will they.

Hey, babe.

Babe. Let's fire up the 'cuzza... Jacuzzaroo.

He has never called it that.

Come on, Bonnie, 'c-cuzzaroo.

'Cuzzaroo!

'Cuzzar...

Oh, like there's a chance in hell

we're gonna get naked in front of...

- I loved your share, Tammy. - Thanks.

Even though you did ignore the timer twice.

I live a big life, Marjorie. And it wasn't twice... .

We'll talk about this at home.

I need you.

What's going on?

I found a great apartment, but I got to give them

a check on Friday or I lose the place.

Fantastic. Give them a check.

I still haven't told Marjorie.

I started to, but then I got cold feet.

And then I accidentally threw out another Valpak,

so I was coming from a position of weakness.

Will you talk to her for me?

This is something you got to do alone.

Like your 40s.

Please? I work a half-day at Williams-Sonoma tomorrow.

You guys can come by and we can go out to lunch.

Okay, but you're assuming she's gonna be upset.

She could be happy.

Why would she be happy?

Right, she's gonna be devastated. It'll be good.

- Hey, couple buddy. - Hey, you.

Adam could not stop talking about Andy and your barbecue.

So, listen, what do you say

we recapture the magic this weekend?

Maybe take a little drive down to your place in Santa Barbara?

Ooh, this weekend?

- Or next. - Ooh, next?

We could do it another time. Do you want to do it another time?

Yeah, absolutely. Let's make a date.

I have a calendar on my phone.

I just learned how to, how to use it.

Way to go, pally.

Jill and Andy hate us, and it's all your fault.

Jill and Andy don't hate us.

Yes, they do. They don't want to go out with us anymore.

So now it's just gonna be you, me, and... let's be honest...

Christy until we die.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Andy and I are great. - Yeah, I thought so, too, when he was

Officer and a Gentleman-ing you out of the hot tub,

but, uh... apparently not.