High Maintenance

Barber: How you living?

- The Guy: I'm good, man. - Good.

So what I can do for you today?

I'm thinking just a little off the top.

Nothing... nothing too drastic.

I see this man on subway today

who look like you.

- Oh, okay. - Yeah, and I think,

I want to try haircut like his for you.

- Okay. - But his hair was much thicker.

Well, you know, mine's going,

- and I'm okay with it. - Yeah, no kidding it's going.

I can't do anything with this hair anymore.

This is not enough.

There's... there's a good amount of hair.

There's good amount, but listen,

I am a barber, not a magician.

- But I will do what I can. - Okay.

Hey, Johnny. What's up, man?

- What's up, my man? I need some weed, brother. - Uh...

- ASAP. - Look... Hold on. Excuse me.

Absolutely.

- Um... - Take your time.

- It's gonna be probably like two hours. - Fuck, man.

Okay, well, just so you know, I'm hurtin'.

- So with the quickness, please. - Yeah, I'll see what I can do, man.

All right. You do that.

You want to come back in two hours?

No, I... I just gotta get back to work,

- but, uh... - Okay, good. That's...

Just do the top.

Just the top? Okay.

This is even simple.

Just the top.

This is like you go to your mechanic in car

and you say, "Only fix the bumper.

Don't fix the engine."

It makes no sense, but I will do it.

Spasiba.

Pajalusta.

Johnny: Why are you embarrassed? You look fucking hot!

Lisa: Why are you talking like this?

You sound like you're out of your fucking mind!

You sound like you're out of your fucking mind

'cause why would you invest all this time

and money into belly dancing classes

- and then not want to dance for anyone? - Because I'm not dancing for you

and your stupid little friends, you fucking idiots!

Hey, well, excuse me!

I guess I can't fucking do anything right, can I?

No, you can't do anything right!

- I'm just the worst boyfriend ever. - I mean, like seriously?

- In the universe. - Do you hear yourself?

You're trying to act like some bad-ass, "Fast and the Furious"

whatever Vin Diesel type shit this is, and,

- you know, - Hey, hey, hey, all right,

- let's just cool out, babe. - I can't even stand this shit anymore.

- Cool out? - Yeah.

- You're fucking crazy! - Don't hit my flat!

I will do whatever the fuck I want in your flat!

- Listen, let's just talk. - Cool out. I can't fucking cool out.

- You cool out! - Who?

Just like last night like when you were,

you were doing with that fucking dude in the club.

- I mean, seriously! - You mean when I was protecting you

- from that asshole thug? - Protecting me? You call that protecting me?

Yes. That's one of my love languages, protection.

He was trying to get to the bathroom

- and it was crowded! - My God! Oh, oh.

You think I don't know that trick?

- You think I don't know that trick? - Oh, a trick?

- I'm trying to keep you safe. - You know what? You're insane.

- You're fucking insane. - Stop calling me crazy!

I didn't call you crazy!

I called you insane!

And I'm done! Fuck you,

- and fuck you! - What? Hey! Hey!

What the fuck did Chauncey do? Nothing.

- You need to apologize. - Whatever.

- Look, please, Lisa, don't leave. - Whatever. Fuck off.

- No. I'm leaving. - Goddammit, Lisa.

If you leave you out that door, you ain't coming back.

- Watch. - Lisa, don't leave!

Goddammit!

What the fuck you doing out there, brother? Come in.

I was just giving you a minute, man.

Yeah. I'm sorry.

She needs a minute.

Lisa: You need a minute!

- Fucking crazy woman! - You're fucking crazy!

Man.

She's gorgeous though, right?

- Oh, yeah. - I mean, you saw her.

Don't get any ideas.

- Okay? - I...

- No, no... - Kidding.

Oh. She wouldn't go for you.

You're not her type.

She likes a more clean, put together... presentation.

You know.

Yeah.

Uh...

sorry to hear you guys are having troubles, man.

- Yeah. - This is a, uh, sativa, indica.

Those are a hundred...

- She said some pretty cold shit to me just now. - Oh. Yeah.

Telling me that I'm selfish.

But do you know how much shit that I do for her?

No.

She doesn't even realize how much shit that I sacrifice

to keep this relationship going.

I mean, 'cause believe me,

I got ample opportunity for pussy

every time I hit that door. Ain't that right Chauncey?

- Mm. - Chauncey know.

Me too.

That's what I'm saying, man.

Oh, I can't, man. I gotta...

What, you don't want to smoke with us?

No, I just have other clients I gotta get to, so, uh...

You want me to just leave the money on the counter like you're a hooker?

- No, I... I... - Ohh.

I know.

I know.

You think I'm some kind of loser, right?

- No, I... - Like I don't know how to keep a woman satisfied.

- I didn't say that. - Right. What kind of guy am I? I get it. I get it. I get it!

Hey, hey, I... I can have a hit.

I'll take a hit.

Nice, brother.

Still pulling? We got more.

You got more.

In Denmark, they tax the prostitutes is all I'm saying.

Uruguay, it's all legal.

Sss! Drugs and prostitutes.

- Yeah, yeah. - Sss!

It's part of the culture there.

Cool, man. You know a lot about... prostitutes.

- It's really impressive. - Hey, what do you think of my arms?

What about you?

Think my arms are jacked?

Yeah, man. They're jacked.

Yeah. I think so, too.

Cool arms.

So listen, you got the Dank Sinatra,

and then you got a quarter of O.G. Kush,

- so that's... that's $200, man. - Hey, uh...

would you, uh, ever want to start

one of those customer loyalty programs

like buy one, get one free, you know, for people like me?

Uh...

I can't do that 'cause I don't...

My business isn't going well enough

- to give away free product. - Really?

Yeah. Yeah.

Even after I invite you into my home,

give you hospitality, serve you my special mate?

- Mate. - Mate.

- No... - Doesn't that count for anything?

Oh, no, it really does. I appreciate it, man,

- and like I said... - Well, what about, like, a free joint or something?

You know, I don't have any pre-rolled, so I can't...

Well, fuck, I'll roll one.

Chauncey, roll a spliff, will ya?

Whoa, what's the rush?

Colin says you hang out and smoke with him all the time.

I know, but, you know, when I have time, I do

'cause, you know, we've known each other a while,

- we're friends, and... - What, we're not friends?

We're friends.

I just...

I've only met you twice, so...

I didn't think to say we were friends yet.

- I'm kidding. - Oh. Okay.

I know, I'm a customer.

- Okay. - I get it.

I get it too.

But I'm in your top five customer-wise though, right?

Oh, yeah. You're... You're my favorite customer.

Look, Johnny, I really gotta get going.

I'm very busy right now, okay?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No problem.

Sss!

Sss!

You look cool with that katana, brother.

- Thank you. - You should consider getting one.

So let's count these out.

Oh, no, man.

I... No, no, no. Stop, stop, stop.

I need... I need cash.

I'm not carrying around, like, a heavy can of change

- or anything like that. - Well, fuck, bro.

I don't mean to be disrespectful,

but you could probably afford to do some lifting.

- Um... - I'm surprised all that bike riding doesn't' keep you...

- Hey careful! - Oh, God.

This is an authentic samurai sword

forged at the base of Mount Fuji.

I... I really gotta get to...

You should do some high intensity intervals