American Housewife

How long will Franklin be staying with us?

His mom is supposed to be back in two weeks

from her pilgrimage to the pyramids,

unless, of course, the aliens do show up

and bring her to their home planet.

Say what you will about cults.

They take some very nice trips.

Mm.

A matador and a bull.

That's amazing!

Toro, toro!

10 more minutes, then bed.

Okay.

Franklin, can't the matador and the bull

just be friends?

Aw, now, is that so hard?

Yes! How are you doing that?!

It's simple. Like this. Try it.

We all have our gifts.

This one isn't yours, buddy.

Living here takes some getting used to.

For starters... and you know what I'm about to say...

- no helipad. - No helipad.

And I don't even know how I get up in the mornings

without my live-in barista.

I want to say his name is...

Latte?

But now that I think about it, that can't be right.

And yet you soldier on, you brave, brave boy.

Hey, where are you going?

It's Tuesday. It's "Below Deck" night.

We need to put on our boat shoes and captain's hats.

I won't be able to watch.

I have to work with Trevor on our Gyftee app.

That's the third night this week.

You two are getting quite close.

We'll just watch when I get back.

Maybe.

If I'm still awake.

If, God forbid, something happens to me tonight,

I hope you're proud of the way you've behaved.

Trouble in paradise!

The honeymoon phase might be over.

Mnh.

_

Ha, ha.

Today was the last time

that I bring your student ID to you at school.

You're in college now. Act like it.

Fine-ah.

And stop saying "fine-ah."

You're 19. It's "fine."

Whatever-ah!

Adult children should not rely on their parents like this.

What did the kids do in the old days?

Well, in Colonial times, I'd be long dead from war,

and you'd be wasting away from scarlet fever.

Lucky bastards.

We were born in the wrong time.

This tiny little tube is $400?

It's an exfoliant with diamond dust. Want to try a dab?

That came out faster than I thought.

Woke me up when you came in late last night.

Yeah, because I tripped over your shoes,

which, by the way,

I've asked you not to leave in the middle of the floor.

- Relax. - Oh, don't tell me to relax.

You know that's a trigger word for me.

Promise me we'll never be like them.

- Let us through! - Make way for the young!

My glands feel swollen.

- Mine too. - Nuh-unh!

You two are faking it

because you want to stay home and play in your tent.

Next time, put some effort in.

Throw a can of mushroom soup on the floor

and say you barfed.

- Amateur hour over here. - Hmm.

Go get ready.

Good morning.

Please tell me that you drove here to brush your teeth.

No. I slept over.

Taylor said you'd be cool with it.

Do I look like I'm cool with it, Greg?

No, you look like every time I ask you

to watch that Ottoman Empire documentary.

You said to act like I'm in college.

In college, people have their boyfriends sleep over.

I don't see the problem.

You let Oliver have his boyfriend sleep over.

Cooper is not my boyfriend!

Well, you don't have to say it like that.

Taylor, Trip is not allowed to sleep over. Ever!

And you are not allowed to go at it under this roof.

- Mom! - It's disrespectful!

Have you ever had any idea

your dad and I were doing it in this house?

No.

Because we keep it from you.

Do you think I like the whale song setting

on your dad's noise machine cranked at full volume?

Ew!

Well, now you've officially ruined the ocean for me.

Let's go, Cooper.

Fine, but only because I want to.

Yes, we all get it.

You make your own decisions.

I go to great lengths to hide these things from you,

and I expect you to do the same.

Do it in a car, under the bleachers,

in the end zone with Skylar Edwards

the night after his game-winning touchdown.

Who's Skylar Edwards?

She got caught up in her highlight reel, but you get the point.

Trip can never sleep over again.

If it makes you feel better, Mr. A,

last night, we were mostly doing other stuff.

I don't think that makes him feel any better.

I didn't know they were doing it doing it!

I thought maybe they were at third base.

In Florida, that is third base!

- Then what's a home run? - It's when you lean forward...

Forget it! I don't want to know!

This changes our whole relationship.

She's still our little girl.

I mean Trip!

He was my guy, but he broke the bro code.

Bros before hos!

You are talking about your daughter!

Oh, God! My baby!

Mom. School.

- Daddy's pure, little princess. - Ohh!

I got to take the kids to school.

Thanks for handling Taylor and Trip.

- Wait, what? - Uh, bye, Dad.

B...

Hmm.

Trip, can I speak to you for a minute?

Sure.

Mr. A, I actually wanted to talk to you, too.

I felt like there was some weirdness this morning.

- Are we cool? - Cool.

Cool, cool... cool.

Let me think about that.

You look sleepy, Mr. A.

No, I'm being menacing while polishing a gun.

Well, shouldn't you be looking at the gun when you polish it

so you don't miss a spot?

No, you don't get it. I'm threatening you.

Okay, it's starting to feel like you're not cool with this.

Mr. A, I want you to know that I love Taylor,

and I respect her a lot.

And I would never do a Florida home run with her or anything like that.

Why does everyone know what a Florida home run is but me?

It's when you lean forward...

I don't want to know.

Get out!

Ugh. When are you coming home from Hawaii?

Having Second Breakfast with you like this is ridiculous.

No one buys that we're sharing waffles.

Why didn't you just call me from your house?

Taylor is there.

When will it be okay for her to have sex in your home?

Never. Not when I'm alive or dead.

I'll haunt her horny ass.

Katie, my parents were very strict on stuff like that

when I was growing up, okay?

They once caught me listening

to Luther Vandross in my room

and grounded me for six months.

That's what I'm talking about!

I pushed back by boinking in their bed,

their favorite spot on the couch,

where they made sandwiches on the counter.

If you don't relax,

Taylor will revenge-bang on everything you love.

Wait.

So I'm the one being unreasonable?

You either grow with your kids or you grow apart.

Me? I'm gonna grow apart from them.

Otherwise, they're showing up on the holidays

with all their own children messing up my stuff,

constantly asking, "Which channel is Disney Junior?"

I don't know. I don't know!

I want to grow together.

I want Taylor coming home with her kids for the holidays.

Either be okay with Taylor and...

- Is Trip over 18? - Yeah.

...and her super hot boyfriend doing it in the house,

or pretend to be okay with it,

because the horse is out of the equestrian center.

The saying is, "The horse is out of the barn."

Not in Westport. Rich people say it my way.

Wait, I'm not done with that.

Now you are.

I'm going on break!

Who the hell do you think you are?

The owner's son.

My parents got fed up with my "laziness"

and "entitlement"