I Hate Suzie

Sorry I'm late, sorry I'm late.

Bitch, bitch teacher. What time is it?

- 9:17. - 20 past.

Cob was just asking why we're not saying

it's from a specific time in the past before you guys got together.

Well, we could.

We could. It's not my advice, but...

Well, happily, it's not your decision.

No, it's not, Cob, but the point is what we don't want

is a bunch of people who are able to date it

through I don't know what...

Carbon penis dating? Why wouldn't they have done that already?

It's just that she doesn't look 10 years younger. No offence.

And if we date it specifically, it might drag you into it.

Oh, that... that's what drags me into it?

Okay, fine, right. Cool, yeah.

I thought we'd agreed we're not gonna get into the who

or the when of these photos.

It's pretty fucking obvious, no?

Why don't we just say ex-boyfriend from a long time ago?

No, you're not gonna name names 'cause you're above that.

Okay, but would that be better for Disney,

if it was from a long time ago?

Have you even spoken to them yet?

No, they're being weirdly quiet for Americans.

Hey, hey, you are not losing that job!

The point is we should all be fine

with seeing someone with a cock in their hand.

- We're not children. - But there are children in the world

who watch movies.

Yeah, also, we have one of them.

Partly because of her having your cock in her hand at some point.

There's no shame to be had in a woman doing a sex act!

- There is in this case. - Yeah, if it's not her husband's.

If it's a fucking overrated trash peddler

who thinks he's Steve McQueen... not that one.

Oh, I'm so worried I'm gonna get this wrong.

You know, I can't not be authentic.

Even if I try, I'll end up being authentic.

I can't not be authentic.

- You're an actress! - Yeah, but come on.

Like, if she asks me how I feel about the pictures

being out there, the answer isn't 'fine', is it?

No, of course the answer's not 'fine' because you're disappointed.

You shouldn't be ashamed is what's important.

- You should just be honest. - But I am ashamed.

Why? You've got no reason to be ashamed.

- Mmm, she kind of has. - I kind of do.

Yeah, but they don't know that!

We're not presenting it as that is what I'm saying.

Okay, so don't say it's that... that it's Carter?

No!

Don't be honest about that, obviously!

Be honest about how you would feel

if everything we were saying was true.

Oh, my God. Can we please just say that it's old?

Okay, fine, but be vague.

Okay, so just...

... general penis from a long time ago?

- Oh, I feel sick. - Yes. Yes, from a long time ago.

Don't be specific about when and don't be specific about who.

Well, I can't be specific about any of those things

because they're both entirely made up.

- Okay? - Okay, then we're ready.

Okay.

- Hey, Bari. - Oh, hiya.

I've got Athena from 'The Observer' on the line.

Great. Can you hear me okay?

Yeah, yeah, totally, it's fine.

So, uh, put her through.

Hello?

Hi, it's Suzie.

Oh, hi!

Hi!

Um, I'm a big fan

of your political column every week, by the way.

I mean, I'm obsessed.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, I mean, I can quote long stretches of it.

Oh, wow, that's nice.

Well, the first thing I do wanna say, though,

is I am really sorry about what happened to you.

Thank you.

And I'm really grateful you're speaking with me.

I... I could not be more furious.

Well...... me too, hashtag.

- Uh, wait. - Yeah.

So, I'm sorry, furious with me?

No! No.

Hang on. Let's do some basics, Suzie.

So, when did you see the pictures?

Um, well, I'm not one of those...

You know, I like to stay away from all of that, so...

- Yeah. - It wasn't...

It wasn't until, um, I got a text from Naomi, my manager,

and she said, you know, we should have a chat

and then she described it to me

and obviously I sat down with my family

and, you know, that's when I knew what it was and that was that.

Yeah, sure, and how...

I mean, how did you feel when you saw that they'd leaked?

Well, I was shocked, you know, obviously,

because, you know, these...

Yeah.

... are pictures from a very long time ago.

Oh, really? I think...

Oh, I think everyone assumed that they were recent images.

No. I mean, they deliberately... They can do that.

No, they're from a long time ago

and, you know, it's something I feel is very private, you know?

But it shouldn't have to be, should it?

Uh, can you talk more about that?

Yeah, I mean, you know, I should be able to look at the pictures

and go, "Oh, hey, there's me with a cock in my hand",

and my son should be able to look at those pictures

and go, "Oh, hey, there's Mum with a cock in her hand", you know?

Yes.

I mean, uh, is that... is that what you actually think?

No, it's not what I actually... Of course not.

But I should be able to think that,

when in reality of course I'm just like everybody else...

I'm looking at those pictures and going, you know,

"What an absolute slut".

I'm being ironic, Athena!

Okay.

"What an absolute slut".

Can you send me all the contracts related to the Disney job as soon as?

And also anyone else we know who's worked with them

so I can compare the wording?

Thanks.

Cob? Cob!

I can't hear you sarcastically clapping 'cause you're in a car.

Thank you. Now, I need to get to Disney before that interview does.

Can you give me a lift to the station?

I can.

Will you?

I will.

"What an absolute slut".

Mmm-mmm-mmm...

Ooh!

So is it just me or does she dress like she's from the past?

Oh, what a slut you are.

"What an absolute slut".

Mrs. Pickles?

Can I have a word?

I wonder if he's curious, which is normal.

Um, sorry. Yeah, I mean, I just...

I think it's more likely

that he doesn't know if someone's in the toilet.

I mean, why aren't people locking doors?

The impression I'm getting

is that it's a rather deliberate attempt to see things.

And if there is new behaviour

that might be related to something that's going on at home,

it's important we're open and transparent about that.

Is there anything going on at home?

Is this about me not doing the school fete opening?

No! It's about Frank bursting in on people on the toilet.

And, also, did you get the letter

about appropriate dress for drop-off?

I did, yeah.

I did and I used it to wipe my arse

because I'm a terrible mother and a massive slut.

Have a great day. See you, sweetheart.

So is it just me or does she dress like she's from the past?

Come on. Let me give you a ride home.

I'm so lazy. I should walk.

Please don't.

Mmm. Oh, my God, I need to get sucked.

Oh...

Oh, yeah!

Oh, I'm so grateful.

Oh, suck my cock.

Mmm, suck my cock, you dirty bitch.

Suck my cock, you little whore.

- Really? - What?!

You're fantasising about giving him a blowjob,

some dad from the playground this morning?

I'm trying to make myself feel better.

You're not into cars.

- He's into cars! - Do you know that in real life?

It... It's in my imagination.

So you've made up that he's into sports cars

so you can fantasise about him being turned on in a car

he thinks makes him sexy?

Where are you in this?

I like his desire.

His desire for me makes me wet.

Suck my cock, you whore.

But he was nice to you. That was the whole attraction.

Why is he calling you names now?

Karen?

- Karen! - I know why.

Where is she, deaf bint?

You've always been attracted to shitty men.

Go and get me something from over there, would ya?

Good girl. You're a good little girl, aren't you?

I don't like shitty men.

I just wank over them.

- Oh, beautiful. - Sometimes.