A.P. Bio

The gifted young lady didn't know what to do.

Should she fly off to Hollywood for the big audition?

Or should she stay in Toledo

for a high-school production of "Damn Yankees?"

So she asked her father.

And her father replied,

"What do you think is the right decision?"

And she answered...

I think I made a commitment...

So I probably can't break that.

Yes, children!

But what about the big audition?

Why, she taped it herself

and mailed it off to Los Angeles.

Eh, it was a long shot.

But if you don't dream...

You'll never know if your dreams can happen.

And when Kevin Williamson from the WB received the tape,

he knew he had found his star.

And the tomboy, best-friend role

of little Joey Potter on "Dawson's Creek"

would be played by Toledo's very own.

- Katie Holmes. - Yay!

One, two, three, four!

Good morning, Whitlock,

and a happy Katie Holmes Day Eve to you all.

Tomorrow night the city of Toledo

will hold the annual Katie Holmes Day Pageant.

Please donate any items you can for the rummage sale.

All proceeds go to the local orphanage.

And as always, dream big.

Katie did.

Are you sure you want to give your boys away?

I think they're worth a bunch.

So who am I to keep this from happening?

Oh.

Katie provides.

I can't believe it's already Katie Holmes Eve.

I barely slept last night.

- Oh, me neither! I knutted all night.

Don't you mean knit?

Yeah, past tense.

You don't say, "I digged a hole."

Anyway, I could not sleep.

And so I knutted for hours.

And usually when I knut, you know, I fall straight asleep.

But I was so excited, I just knutted again.

Sounds like me this weekend.

I don't get it.

Good morning, everybody.

Hey, where do I drop off these donations?

Oh, I'll take those.

- Yeah? Great.

Whoa, "Pieces of April."

- Nice. - Oh.

Very on-brand for our Katie Holmes Day rummage sale.

What do you mean... No. This is a real thing?

Katie Holmes Day?

You're t... so all of Toledo

is just sort of unironically celebrating an actress

who's face, you know, to be quite honest,

I have trouble remembering?

She's just like a... like a...

an adorable white girl with like a...

you know, just a face and hair and eyes.

Yeah, that's her.

- Oh, my God. That's right.

You've been gone 20 years.

You don't know anything about Katie Holmes Day.

It's... it's a celebration of... of dream and wonder.

You're gonna hate it.

Happy Katie Holmes Day Eve, Jack.

Yeah.

Listen, I need the keys to the driver's ed car.

It's the base for the float in our Katie Holmes Day parade.

The student council made a replica

out of papier-mâché of the Buick

that Katie drove in high school.

Well, you know, the driver's ed car is a Buick,

so you could just drive that.

That's so funny, Jack.

Hers was a '94 with a dent in the hood.

The 2007 Buick

does not represent Katie's humble beginnings.

Okay.

A Holmes on your head.

- Nope. - Oh.

Whitlock High?

It's Mayor Wade CupsofCabbage.

I'll take it in my office.

Mayor CupsofCabbage. Hey...

Yes, you... you want me to be in the... in the pageant?

Yes... yes, it would be an honor to play Kevin Williamson,

the man who launched Katie Holmes's career.

And I will not let you down this time.

He's giving me a second chance.

Yes!

- What if I choke? - You can do this, Ralph.

I believe in you.

It is just one line. It's ten words.

"Hello, Katie.

You are Joey Potter. Welcome to 'Dawson's Creek.'"

You need to immerse yourself in this character.

For the next 24 hours, you're gonna be

a Hollywood slick hotshot.

I don't know.

Unless...

California Raisin.

- Oh! I've got goose bumps!

Make me famous, Mr. Producer.

All right.

Go ahead and shut all the way up.

Where's my garbage?

We're using it as a bucket of fate.

Yeah, in one bucket, there's sweet pudding,

representing a tasty dream come true.

And in the other, a baby crab...

Its pinchers, a stark reminder

that chasing your dreams can hurt.

Got it.

Sweet chocolate pudding!

Papa's gonna be a backup singer for Lizzo!

Guys.

Ah, I got to say.

This holiday is, uh... And I don't say this lightly...

Bonkers.

Point, counterpoint, Mr. Griffin,

it's actually not.

Yeah.

At 8:47 tomorrow night,

you kiss someone on the forehead

because that's when Katie had the talk with her wise dad

which he ended with a forehead kiss.

Right.

The entire holiday culminates in a glorious pageant.

I've always wanted to play Katie Holmes,

and I think this is the year.

Oh.

And we make wish lists addressed

to Katie in Hollywood,

put them in our shoes,

and leave them in our front porches.

And the next morning,

there's a fresh blueberry muffin in each shoe.

So shoe muffins.

Got it. Yeah.

And you all do this?

- Oh. Not me.

I don't celebrate Katie Holmes Day.

Oh, finally, a sane person.

My family celebrates Jamie Farr Day.

My dad says that's Toledo's original top celebrity.

So there's also a Klinger from "MASH" holiday.

A world without Katie Holmes Day

is a world I don't want to live in.

I like the sound of that.

Tell me more of these traditions.

- Sorry I'm late. - Damn, girl.

- A 55-inch flat screen TV? - Oh...

That is gonna bring in so much money.

Forget porridge.

Those orphans are about to have some.

- R-r-r-r-regular soup. - Okay!

Uh, actually, this is...

A gift from an angel.

That is so sweet.

But it... it's not a big deal.

- And she's humble. - Mm.

Amazing.

- Mommy Warbucks. - Mm-hmm.

A regular Mother Toledo.

Oh.

Yes.

Yeah... oh, good.

Very good.

Yes.

I'd like to believe you have a genuine interest

in this beloved holiday,

but your maniacal cackling

has made me fear you're planning something nefarious.

Your fears are...

completely founded.

Oh, I just thought of another tradition.

It's the one where people who don't love the holiday

just don't participate,

and let the ones that really love it enjoy it.

Can we swear now?

Oh, shut up. Shut up.

Shut up, everybody. Shut up.

Oh, Mayor CupsofCabbage, what a pleasant surprise.

I'm sorry. Come again.

And a-a third time, 'cause it's insane.

I see.

I don't think that's coming off.

That dumb-ass mayor cast me

as the lame WB assistant in the stupid pageant

for the sixth year in a row.

Well, to be fair, you do give off strong assistant vibes.

Just once I want to be Katie

and say the big final line.