Archer

All aboard for safety and adventure

On the rigid airship excelsior,

Where the pampered luxury of a cruise ship meets

The smoothness of modern air travel.

Yes, when you fly excelsior,

You're flying in style and safety.

Safety?

But isn't hydrogen flammable?

And how, timmy.

That's why excelsior is filled with safe, natural helium.

Why, it's actually flame-retardant.

Neat! and safe.

So, whether you're enjoying excelsior's majestic vistas,

Duty-free shopping, high-stakes baccarat,

Dancing with your lovely wife,

Or even a cigar after a french gourmet dinner,

You'll be enjoying them in style and safety.

All aboard excelsior!

Who would want to put a bomb on that?

Well, that's what we're hoping isis can find out.

Archer: no, why bother?

Some broad gets on there with a staticky sweater and, boom,

It's, "oh, the humanity!"

No, no, that's --

Malory: sterling.

Were you watching some other blimp commercial just now?

Technically, it's a rigid airship.

Malory: filled with helium.

Lana: which is nonflammable. dumbass.

I thought our promotional video covered that fairly well.

Malory: oh, and how. sterling, it's totally safe.

Well, except for the bomb threat.

Malory: no, not to worry, dear.

Isis won't let terrorists blow up your lovely blimp.

rigid airship. - my top two agents will be on board.

nope! - and i will oversee the operation personally from

What i assume will be first-class accommodations.

Ooh, actually, we are fully booked.

Well, if you think -- oh, i don't know --

This trudy beekman person can thwart a major terror plot --

I suppose we could bump mrs. beekman.

Bump me. i'm not going. if these two can share a cabin.

nope! - not going to let the terrorists win.

we'll pose as husband and wife. - nope!

Cyril would totally freak.

Malory, come on, let me stay with you,

And we'll do the whole oprah/gayle thing.

Malory: nope! i need a stateroom to myself,

In case i have a gentleman caller.

Archer: mother, please. lana: please.

Do not make me do this.

Malory: but, lana, think of the nocent lives you'll be saving

And also the fact that this is a direct order.

Lana: at least, tell me it's separate beds.

Lana. lana. lana. lan-a-a-a!

Lana: what?

Danger zone

Terrible, awful, just gut-wrenchingly bad feeling about this.

Baby, i really need you to trust me, okay?

Now, is the cabin small? yes.

And yet, surprising amount of storage.

Ugh, and i will hardly be in here, okay,

Because i've got a terrorist to find,

And i doubt he's hiding under -- what's basically a twin bed.

Archer!

Since it's all drawers under here because look how tiny this room is.

Oh, my god. it's like a broom closet.

And yet a surprising amount of storage.

Oh, shut up.

And, cyril, very eager to know why you're still here.

He was just -- helping lana get settled.

Trust me, cyril. she already settled.

Disembark, cyril.

We're about to launch... or whatever blimps do.

Yeah, what does a blimp do, pam?

Uh, kick your skinny ass!

Now, come on. we got to get off this thing before --

Oh, well, then, make me a double campari and, uh...

I guess, vodka.

We don't normally drink on the bridge.

Well, i don't normally fly on the hindenburg 2.0,

And cyril doesn't normally storm off without even kissing me goodbye.

so we're all out of our comfort zone. - not me.

My stateroom is gorgeous.

Malory: that -- what's her name? -- beekman,

I bet she's just sick she got bumped.

Yes, she literally vomited from anger,

So if we could just focus on the bomb threat.

Lana: how about crew members?

Anyone who might be disgruntled?

Achtung!

That's lieutenant krauss.

He and i were both up for command of the excelsior, but --

You got it.

Leaving him with motive.

Release the mooring cable.

Come on, it's not larry luftwaffe.

That's --

Oopsie.

Ugh, way too obvious.

God damn it!

We're moving!

I know!

What happened to half an hour?

I lied.

Wh-- why the --

Why the hell are you two still here?

Because i knew you'd be here with mr. archer.

No, no, now, that is --

So ironic, cyril, especially in light of recent...

No. ...rug-burny events. oh, my god!

You two banged?!

I, uh --

See, here's the thing. etfruibasket!

You are just a dog in a manger.

I don't know what that means, pam.

I didn't grow up on a cheese farm.

Oh, for the -- it's called a dairy.

And even the slightest hint of a problem on our maiden

Voyage would kill excelsior's stock price.

So, lana, canvass the passengers and crew,

Learn what you can about krauss -- but, please, be discreet.

Lana: hey, good advice!

Which maybe i'll just sort of

Fold in with my 12 years of experience as a covert operative!

Malory: don't be snotty!

Malory: and, sterling, if there is a bomb, captain, dear,

Where would it do the most damage? probably --

Archer: uh, this new place called anywhere.

This whole thing's a bomb. it's not --

Archer: jesus!

Want to blow us all to shit, sherlock?!

Malory: sterling! archer: what?!

For the last time, the excelsior is filled with nonflammable helium!

Although this is a non-smoking area, sir.

Damn it, he's a prospective investor.

Not after that, i bet.

Forget about krauss.

There's your bomber.

Who?

What?!

That guy.

Beardsley mcturbinhead.

You idiot.

That's sandu singh, the billionaire investor.

He's a sikh.

Oh, so if he's not a muslim, he just gets a pass?

Well, that's called profiling,

Mother, and i don't do it.

Mr. singh is excelsior's majority shareholder.so?

If anything went wrong on this flight, he'd lose millions.

It's a perfect cover. sterling.

Lana: just go look for the stupid bomb.

Relax, what do we have, like four hours before we get to london?

Lana: four hours? malory: are you joking?

The crossing takes 24 hours.

Archer: are you joking?

What? rigid airships combine the pampering of a cruise ship

With the speed of -- some other slightly faster ship?

Uh, hello. airplanes?

Yeah, it's blimps. you win. bye.

Oh, god.

I hope you didn't invest in this.

It'll be fine, though... blimps are terrible.

...as long as nothing goes wrong on this flight.

Oh, captain, my captain, with isis on board,

What could possibly go wrong?

Pick one.

Either "a," i tell lana what

Happened on that scratchy green

Office rug, or two, you get inside me.

Or, "c," maybe i just

Jam this mop into the engine and kill all of us.

I don't think that's how blimps work.

Darn! right, we just sort of float around.

Stupid, naturally safe helium.

But i am liking the jamming imagery.

And the killing.

And are you just gonna sit there?

Yeah, until she tags me in.

What?! i'm kidding!

My back's all messed up.

So, you're ruining cyril's life because,

In your dream-the-impossible-dream world,

It'll make mr. archer jealous?

Oh, pamela.

Yeah?

What's the poem gonna be about when cyril snaps and murders you?

I don't know.

World's gushiest orgasm?

Can you just get out of the way?

What? are you gonna shoot me again?

Yes!

Oh.

Well, then, hang on.

Cyril is already freaked out enough about us sharing

This shoebox without you air-drying your unkempt bush.

Unkempt bush?!

Um, you're one to talk!

My vulva is smoother than a veal cutlet!