Vampire Lake

Fuck.

Hey, it's me.

My car quit on me.

I'm up by the lake if you could come and get me.

Sorry, I, I didn't know anyone else was out here.

So, what happened with Dan?

Ugh.

Really?

It was that bad, huh?

- He was fine, after he got a quickie.

Oh God.

He's like a horny teenager.

- Well, they usually are, in the beginning.

- Do you know what he said to me?

What?

- Come on, babe, what do you think it's there for?

It's not an ornament.

God.

Well, that's new.

What'd you say?

- Nothing, I was too busy laughing.

Oh, hey, I stashed my gun in the closet, just FYI.

- Can you just make sure that the girls don't see it?

Nah, uh, I just don't wanna freak 'em out, you know?

Well, what do you think I am,

some douche bag waving my gun around to impress strangers?

They're not strangers.

Okay, they're my nieces.

- Yeah, that you haven't seen in five years.

Three.

Whatever.

What are we making for dinner tonight?

Uh, I don't know.

I was thinking we could just wait until they get here.

I mean, I never know who's a vegan,

or who has a gluten allergy, or whatever the fuck.

Wait, wait, wait.

All right, to no men and no internet this weekend.

- Hey, how far do you think we are?

About 15 minutes.

Pretty remote.

- Yeah, I like it like that.

- I never thought I'd come.

- You were never the outdoors type.

I hated summer camp.

I loved it.

I always wanted be a counselor when I got older.

Why didn't you?

'Cause the pay sucks,

but wouldn't have been about the pay anyway.

So, why did you come out here

if you hate the outdoors so much?

- Because it's free, and I've got nothing better to do.

So, does Charity know what you're up too?

What am I up to?

- The lake, you and your obsession.

Oh yeah, whatever.

Yeah, right, I'm sure.

Thanks for nothing.

- He totally just flipped us off.

- Like that's gonna make us change our minds.

Fuckers.

- So we haven't been up here in five years.

This is, we're going to our grandpa's cabin

that he won in a poker game.

It was a tournament.

- Anyways, we haven't been up here

since Mom and dad got divorced.

- And he still hasn't put the hot tub in.

Yes, he did.

Anyway, this is what it looks like.

- All right, we're getting close.

Gotta go, bye.

- Oh, hey. - Hi.

Oh, welcome.

Oh, what a long time.

It has been.

Okay, Teresa, these are my, my nieces.

This is Amy, and this is Kat, but not a real cat.

- Everyone calls me Tree, but not a real tree.

- So, when did you guys get here?

This morning.

It's nicer than I remember.

Amy approved.

- Yes, oh, she hated summer camp.

She's not the outdoors type.

- At camp, our cabins didn't look like this.

- Well, okay, well let's go inside.

Let's go.

Now it feels like summer camp.

- No, we get to use air conditioning

and don't have to ask to use the bathroom.

- No signal, just like summer camp.

You and that phone.

It's my lifeline.

- Not this weekend it isn't.

- What are you makin' me for dinner?

Make you for dinner?

Hey, just an FYI.

Kat's into some dark and gothy shit.

Ooh, is that right?

- So, we used to bring 'em up here all the time

when they were little,

and there's this guy in town

who used to always talk about this vampire at the lake.

She got obsessed.

- Well, does he scare off all the fish?

- Does he scare off all the fish, really?

So, it's hard to get to the lake.

I mean, my dad, he used to say that the locals

were constantly telling this story

to the tourists just to keep 'em away, you know?

Just local bullshit.

What bullshit?

- Nothing, we're just talkin' about tourists.

- Some bum flipped us off on the way up here.

Was he panhandling?

It was some dude hitchhiking.

- Oh, was he wearing a camouflage jacket?

Yeah.

- I saw that dude in the store earlier.

Is he single?

Probably.

Kat wanted to know.

Yeah, right.

What's for dinner?

- Well, I was thinking.

Raccoon a la king.

Hamburgers.

- Yeah, none of that gluten-free, vegan pussy shit.

No offense.

Fine by me.

Can I have a beer?

Yeah, me too please.

- Only if you promise not to drive anywhere else tonight.

And no complaining if you throw up or if you get a hangover.

- Oh, I'll do whatever. - Okay.

You girls enjoy those beers.

It's part of your weekend benefit package.

No wine coolers?

Hell no.

- So, where'd you meet Tree at, anyway?

Well, I met her at work.

She works in the IT department.

I, we started talking one day, and the rest is history.

She seems pretty cool.

She is.

I, uh, she's a little rough around the edges, you know,

very blunt and not shy, if you couldn't tell.

- If she's an IT nerd, then where's my wifi?

- She works on computers all day.

She doesn't wanna do that on her day off.

Boo.

- Hey, so, why do you call her Tree?

- Oh, so she had this boyfriend in college

who used to call her that, and the name just stuck.

I'd hate to be stuck

with a nickname from my ex-boyfriend.

Oh, I like that one.

That's a good one.

- Here, let me take a few

so they don't all have to be selfies.

Thanks.

Cheese.

Send that one to me.

I can't, no signal.

- Okay, well send it to me when we get back to civilization.

Back to civilization.

Like it's so bad out here.

We've got beer.

We've got food.

We've got music.

No men's bullshit.

Life is good.

- If anyone's interested, this is our grandpa's cabin.

We used to come here when I was 13.

Hi.

- This seems, this place seemed so boring.

Now it seems slightly less boring.

We have no wifi, no satellite,

and we only get two channels on the TV.

- Oh, first world problems.

Oh no.

Yeah, whatever.

I have something else in mind.

Like what?

- No, Tree, you don't wanna know.

No, I do, I wanna know.

What are you gonna do?

Are you gonna go chase deer?

Go shit with bear in the woods?

You guys suck.

Not me, dude, I rock.

Says you.

- Yeah, says me and everyone else.

Everyone without a pulse.

How are those burgers?

- Why are you on your phone?

- She's been trying to get a signal since we got here.

I just like staying connected.