My Name Is Earl

My Name Is Earl 4x02 Monkeys Take A Bath

When Dad called to say that we need to come by

and pick up all our old stuff,

I didn't realize we were going to have to buy it back.

Your father said you could have everything for $64.73.

I tried to talk him down, but he seemed pretty firm.

Hey, look! It's Milo. Remember him?

Mom and Dad got him for me 'cause he always tells the truth.

"Hi, Earl. Remember that time you got real drunk and pooped in bed?"

That is true. Embarrassing but true.

Yeah. I never really liked Milo.

Ah! Darnell, check it out! It's one of them IQ machines.

Get the ball in the furthest hole, if you do, you're a genius.

I used to play this at the mall when we would skip school.

I was the only one that could get genius every time.

They called me "The Ball Genius".

In the 7th grade, that name took on a new meaning,

but this is where it all started.

How much for this?

$3.25.

What?

May I remind you that I'm the mother of

what you thought for a second was your grandson?

$4.

- What are you doing? - I'm not stealing it.

I'm just going to hold on to it so nobody buys this thing.

Couple of hours, they'll be begging us to take it off their hands.

"Ball Genius."

See? This is why I don't go to yard sales with you.

I'm trying to decide between buying the lawn darts or our baby teeth.

The lawn darts are more fun, but our baby teeth are more practical.

Seeing those lawn darts was Karma's way of telling me

it was time to do #87 on my list:

"Chased away Mom and Dad's friends."

In the '80s, our next-door neighbors, Cathy and Clark Clark,

were my parents' best friends.

Have you guys seen

this new "We Are The World" short film on that music television video channel?

I think spiders heat up faster than ants.

I'm good at this, Randy. Maybe I will be a scientist.

That'd be awesome.

"Randy forgot to wipe earlier."

I mean, all those poor, starving children,

and... and all those musicians

with their different musical styles, Bob Dylan, Dan Aykroyd,

and they're all coming together, and they're all harmonizing

for... for humanity.

What a tool.

Seeing a grown man shed actual tears was hilarious,

and, once we saw it, we had to see more.

Poor birdies!

Dead birds were so much fun,

we took it up a notch, and found a place at the mall that made fake newspapers.

Why are babies killing themselves?

But, eventually, we pushed him too far.

Later that afternoon,

Clark realized he just couldn't take it anymore.

All I know is he was real upset about something.

He was so emotional, I couldn't understand what he was talking about.

It just doesn't make any sense.

People just don't move in one day.

Something's going on here.

"Randy tortured Mr. Clark and made him cry."

Come on, Randy. We need to go find the Clarks.

"Randy touches himself sometimes."

Easy, buddy.

Hey! You don't want that.

It's all jacked up, it ain't got no marble on it.

Not a problem.

That's a straight-up, street-balling move right there.

You're like the Karl Malone of mailmen.

How much, Carl?

$3.25.

No. That's mine.

I had my eye on it way before you had your eye on it.

- I'll go $4.00. - $4.25.

- $4.68. - $5.00.

Darnell, how much money you got?

$45. But we gotta stop and get Dodge's asthma medicine,

so more like...

- $45.00! - Sold.

Oh, hell to the no.

This was on there when we were bidding on it.

If you wanted your fake peeper back,

shouldn't have driven up the price so high.

Every day's a new adventure.

Wasn't that hard to find Mr. Clark.

He was the only Clark Clark in the phone book,

and they only moved one town over.

Guys, I appreciate what you're doing,

but you weren't the reason we moved.

- We weren't? - No.

We moved because... Well...

I really... I can't say why we moved.

But you know what?

I have lived with this for too long,

and maybe it's time that I got it off my chest.

We moved because your mother and I had an affair.

Mom?

You want some cookies? I've got hot snickerdoodles.

You know what I want more than cookies?

I wanna know why you had sex with Mr. Clark.

I'd prefer the snickerdoodles.

Who told you about me and Clark Clark?

Damn you, Clark Clark!

Apparently, Dad was always working,

and Clark's wife was always at self-defense class,

so they kept each other company, but just as friends

until the A&P had a sale on wine coolers.

Do you have any queens?

You are the only queen that I can see.

Go fish.

Do you have any twos?

I've got two lonely lips and two supple breasts.

Why don't you come on over here and fish around for them?

The next day, Mom was ashamed of herself,

and broke things off.

Kate, no.

You are the most generous lover I have even known.

Cathy just rolls over and goes to sleep after she gets her tinglies.

What we did was wrong, Clark. It was a moment of weakness.

It was a mistake.

Your husband is the one making the mistake.

He doesn't take care of you like I would.

Look! He doesn't even have your storm windows up yet!

Your father's home!

Anyone want to tell me why the Clarks are moving?

I tried to talk to him,

but all he'd do is tell me I need to put up storm windows.

Is there a hurricane coming?

All I know is he was real upset about something.

He was so emotional, I couldn't understand what he was saying.

Doesn't make any sense.

People don't just move in one day.

You need to tell Dad.

Your father is no angel.

I once found a Hooters receipt in his pocket.

Look, no one knows what it's like to be cheated on more than I do.

Dad deserves to know.

Dad deserves to know what?

"Oh, Carl, wait until you hear this. Apparently, your wife..."

What the hell is going on? What was the puppet talking about?

Mom?

Do you remember 1985?

My wife's a whore! All neighbors are welcome!

Line forms at the garage!

When you're little, and your parents split up,

they decide who gets you.

When you're adults, and they split up,

you decide who gets them.

I got Dad.

Women!

You're with them for 40 years!

You learn the special way to fold the towels!

You go see Neal Sedaka at the Civic Center!

You even put up one of those piece of crap

Thomas Kincaid paintings in the bedroom, and for what?

I hear ya! You steal for them, fight for them,

they still hand you a different-colored baby from a different-colored father.

- Bitches. - Bitches!

And Clark Clark. Who the hell does he think he is,

sticking it to my mother? Your wife?

- He's lucky you don't kick his ass! - Oh, he's lucky, all right.

But his luck just ran out.

I'm going to make him wish he went across the street

and banged Mrs. Henderson.

Let's do this!

I know this isn't a time to brag,

but I did bang Mrs. Henderson.

Why did you stop?

Keep doing what you were doing in the car.

Sorry.

It's the eye of the tiger,

it's the thrill of the fight, rising up

to the challenge of a rival.

And the last known survivor

stalks his prey in the night...

Hi, Cathy. Is Clark here?

Yeah! He's doing a puzzle in the sun room.

How are you?

Great. Can you get Clark, please?

Sure.

Rising up, back on the streets.

Did my time took my chances?

Went the distance, now I'm back on my...

Here he comes.

Carl, listen.

What the hell is wrong with you?! He's half your size!

It's the eye of the tiger,

it's the thrill of the fight.

Rising up to the challenge of a rival.

My nose stopped bleeding.

But I think I ruined my sock.

Well, at least you got to punch Clark Clark.

You got your revenge.

Man, I'm jealous.

That's got to feel pretty good, huh?

Actually, no.

I don't feel any different at all.

And you know why?