Parks and Recreation

- HI, I'M TOM HAVERFORD. I WORK IN THE PARKS DEPARTMENT.

- IT'S A LITTLE DOUCHEY. - GOOD CALL, J.

I'M GETTING DIVORCED SO I'M TRYING TO UP MY GAME.

WHO AM I SUPPOSED TO ASK FOR FASHION DEVICE? JERRY?

HE WEARS THE SAME SOUP-STAINED KHAKIS EVERY DAY.

JUSTIN'S MY SAVIOR.

HE'S LIKE AN ISSUE OF GQ THAT'S COME TO LIFE.

- * DUH-DUH-DUH DUH-DUH DUH-DUH DUH-NA-BA *

TOMMY TIMBERLAKE.

- YOU LOOK LIKE ENCYCLOPEDIA BROWN.

SEQUINS!

- TRY IT WITHOUT THE GLOVES. - SEQUINS!

MINUS THE GLOVES.

HEY, WHAT'S UP. I'M TOM.

IS MY SHIRT LIGHTING UP, 'CAUSE I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE.

ALL RIGHT, GUYS, LET'S TALK ACCESSORIES.

BE HONEST. WHICH CANE DO YOU LIKE BETTER?

DRAGON. SERPENT. DRAGON. SERPENT.

BELT BUCKLE SAYS "WHAT'S CRACKIN'?"

I CAN HAVE IT SAY WHATEVER I WANT.

IT CAN SAY "WHAT'S CRACKIN'? I'M TOM."

"WHAT'S CRACKIN', GIRL?" "WHAT'S CRACKIN', BOO?"

EAGLE MEDALLION. GAH GAH.

- WELL, AS FAR AS WHITE LEATHER SUITS GO...

- IT'S HORRIBLE. - I LIKE IT.

*

- SWEETUMS HAS BEEN PAWNEE'S LEADING SWEET TREAT MANUFACTURER

FOR OVER 80 YEARS.

AND WE ARE SO EXCITED ABOUT OUR NEW PARTNERSHIP

WITH THE PARKS DEPARTMENT.

HUH? WELCOME.

STARTING NEXT MONTH,

SWEETUMS IS GONNA TAKE OVER THE CONCESSION STANDS

IN OUR PARKS.

I-I DON'T LOVE THE IDEA OF CORPORATE SPONSORSHIP,

BUT SWEETUMS IS AN INSTITUTION.

WHEN YOU THINK OF PAWNEE, YOU THINK OF SWEETUMS.

- ALTHOUGH CANDY IS OUR BREAD AND BUTTER,

WE ALSO CARE ABOUT THE HEALTH OF OUR CUSTOMERS.

AND THAT'S WHY WE'LL BE DEBUTING OUR NEW, HEALTHY ENERGY BAR,

NUTRIYUMS.

TAKE A LOOK.

- HI. I'M NICK NEWPORT, JR. CEO OF SWEETUMS.

AND I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE TO YOU OUR NEW LINE OF ENERGY BARS,

NUTRIYUMS.

WE START WITH 100% ALL-NATURAL CORN.

THEN WE ADD JUST A LITTLE BIT OF SWEETUMS' CORN SYRUP,

LITTLE DROP OF SUNSHINE, AND SOME OTHER STUFF.

AND SINCE THEY'RE FROM SWEETUMS,

YOU KNOW YOUR KIDS ARE GONNA LOVE IT.

- WOW, THAT FAMILY LOOKS SO HEALTHY.

LOOK AT THEM. THEY'RE ALL WEARING VESTS.

DAKOTA, DENVER.

SORRY, SHOELACE, WE DON'T MAKE NUTRIYUMS

FOR DOGS...YET.

SHOELACE.

- NUTRIYUMS, WHERE NUTRITIOUS MEETS TASTY.

BY SWEETUMS.

- IF YOU CAN'T BEAT 'EM... - all: SWEETUMS!

- I COULD NOT BE HAPPIER ABOUT THIS.

I THINK THE ENTIRE GOVERNMENT SHOULD BE PRIVATIZED.

CHUCK E. CHEESE COULD RUN THE PARKS.

EVERYTHING OPERATED BY TOKENS.

DROP IN A TOKEN, GO ON THE SWING SET.

DROP IN ANOTHER TOKEN, TAKE A WALK.

DROP IN A TOKEN, LOOK AT A DUCK.

- * BRENDANAWICZ QUICK QUESTION.

DO YOU PERSONALLY KNOW XZIBIT?

BECAUSE I WAS CHECKING OUT THAT PICKUP TRUCK OF YOURS

AND THAT RIDE IS PIMP.

- IT'S REALLY NICE OF YOU TO COMPLIMENT MY PICKUP TRUCK

WITH NO ULTERIOR MOTIVE.

- YEAH, SO LISTEN, I NEED TO MOVE SOME STUFF

THIS WEEKEND INTO MY NEW BACHELOR PAD

SINCE MY DIVORCE IS FINALLY GOING DOWN.

JUST SOME ODDS AND ENDS.

YOU CAN BRING OVER THE MARKMOBILE,

HELP ME MOVE, RIGHT?

- I'M TOTALLY BLANKING ON A VALID EXCUSE RIGHT NOW.

SO YES, I'LL HELP YOU. - MY BOY!

- I HATE HAVING A PICKUP TRUCK.

- ANDY, I HAVE A VERY INTERESTING

BUSINESS PROPOSAL FOR YOU.

I'M MOVING A LOT OF HEAVY STUFF OUT OF MY PLACE THIS WEEKEND.

- CAN I HELP YOU MOVE? I'M REALLY GOOD AT IT.

AFTERWARDS, I'LL TAKE THE CARDBOARD FROM THE BOXES

AND I'LL USE IT FOR BREAK DANCING.

- I'LL GO TOO. - REALLY.

'CAUSE AN HOUR AGO, YOU TOLD ME

YOU'D RATHER WATCH A SEX TAPE OF YOUR GRANDPARENTS.

- SHUT UP. I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO DO.

DO YOU WANT HELP OR NOT?

- ALL RIGHT. SEE YOU GUYS LATER.

- I THINK THAT THAT'S REALLY, REALLY SWEET

THAT YOUR GRANDPARENTS STILL MAKE LOVE.

- OH. READY TO GO? - YES. YOUR KEYS, PLEASE.

- YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.

I'M FINE.

- WE'LL LET THE CHART BE THE JUDGE OF THAT.

WHAT, ARE YOU 5'11"? 210 POUNDS.

THREE WHISKEYS.

IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE JUST OVER THE LINE INTO IMPAIRED.

- YOU CARRY THAT WITH YOU ALL THE TIME?

IT COMES IN HANDY.

AND ON THE BACK, IT TEACHES YOU HOW TO PLAY BLACKJACK.

- SWANSONS HAVE A PRETERNATURALLY HIGH TOLERANCE

FOR ALCOHOL.

MY OLD MAN USED TO PUT WILD TURKEY ON HIS CORN FLAKES.

- I'M NOT GONNA ARGUE WITH YOU, RON.

WE'RE JUST GONNA SIT AND WAIT UNTIL, YOU KNOW,

YOU'RE SAFE TO DRIVE, WHICH WOULD BE IN ABOUT...

ONE HOUR.

"INSURANCE IS A SIDE BET WHEN YOU WAGER HALF

"OF YOUR ORIGINAL BET BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE THE DEALER

HAS A 10 IN THE HOLE."

- GET OFF MY CAR, WOMAN! - 20 MINUTES!

THE DEALER REALLY HAS AN ADVANTAGE.

THAT'S WHAT I GET THE MOST FROM THIS.

HEY, RON.

- MORNING, LESLIE. DID YOU HAVE A GOOD NIGHT?

- I DID. I WATCHED A REALLY GOOD DOCU--

WHAT IS THAT?

- THIS IS WHAT I DID LAST NIGHT.

AFTER I GOT HOME,

I DRANK SIX MORE GLASSES OF WHISKEY

AND THEN I FINISHED CRAFTING THIS SMALL HARP

USING A BAND SAW, A SPOKESHAVE,

AND AN OSCILLATING SPINDLE SANDER.

[harp strings ring harmoniously]

- BEAUTIFUL. - BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE.

HERE ARE SOME PHOTOGRAPHS OF ME DRINKING THE WHISKEY.

YOU'LL NOTICE I'M HOLDING UP YESTERDAY'S NEWSPAPER

SO YOU CAN TELL THAT I'M NOT LYING.

- MM. I FEEL LIKE I'M IN A SPA.

- SO I GOT MY TRUCK ALL CLEANED OUT

AND READY TO GO FOR TOMORROW.

DO YOU HAVE, LIKE, FURNITURE PADS AND, UH, DOLLIES,

THAT SORT OF THING?

- OOH. I THOUGHT THE MOVER SUPPLIED THOSE.

- I'M NOT A MOVER. I'M A SAP WHO OWNS A TRUCK.

- DON'T TALK ABOUT YOURSELF LIKE THAT.

AND BRING SOME COFFEE. - HEY, ARE YOU MOVING OUT?

HAVE YOU TOLD WENDY HOW YOU FEEL YET?

- UH, WAITING FOR THE RIGHT TIME.

- IT'S RIGHT NOW. THE TIME IS NOW.

- JUST DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. I'M FINE.

- HMM. - WHAT'S THAT OVER THERE?

- MM. - HOLY COW.

- MM. - MAN.

- WOW. - THAT IS GOOD STUFF.

- GREAT, RIGHT? - OH, MY GOD.

THEY'RE AMAZING. - THEY'RE MORE THAN AMAZING.

THEY ARE TERRIFIC.

- TERRIFIC'S NOT MORE THAN AMAZING, JERRY.

- NO? WELL, IT'S NOT LESS.

- EVERYTHING SWEETUMS MAKES IS OFF THE CHARTS.

I LIKE THEIR CANDY FINGERNAILS.

- I CAN'T BELIEVE THESE THINGS ARE HEALTHY.

- MM. - WELL, IT'S NOT THAT CRAZY.

KRACKEL BAR IS ALSO HEALTHY AND DELICIOUS.

- NO, THEY'RE NOT. - YEAH.

THEY--THEY ACTUALLY HAVE RICE IN THEM, SO...

- MM, ANDY, YOU'RE FINE, BUT YOU'RE SIMPLE.

*

- WHO JUST PUT 100 OF THESE IN THEIR BODY?

- ANNNNNNN! OH! LOOK AT YOU!

YOU'RE LOOKING PRETTY UNHEALTHY TODAY.

YOU MIGHT NEED ONE OF THESE.

NUTRIYUM BY SWEETUMS.

* IF YOU CAN'T BEAT 'EM, SWEETUMS *

- I LOVE THAT SONG. - OW!

- I GOT TO GO CHECK MY EMAIL.

- WE'RE GONNA SELL THESE IN THE PARK NOW.

- THEY'RE HEALTHY. - HOLY GOD.

NO, THEY'RE NOT. THEY'RE TERRIBLE FOR YOU.

NO, THEY'RE NOT.

THERE'S A PICTURE OF LANCE ARMSTRONG ON THERE.

- YEAH, BUT LOOK AT THE INGREDIENTS.

HIGH-FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP, CORN SYRUP--

- THERE'S ONLY 8 GRAMS OF FAT. - YEAH. PER SERVING.

A BAR IS FOUR SERVINGS.

- WELL, PEOPLE SEEM TO ENJOY THEM.

LOOK HOW HAPPY EVERYBODY IS.

*

- YEAH, THAT'S A SUGAR RUSH.

- YEAH. - YEAH.

THAT MAKES SENSE.

THEY'RE GONNA CRASH SOON

AND IT'S NOT GONNA BE PRETTY.

- YEAH, I'M GONNA CRASH SOON TOO

'CAUSE I'VE EATEN, LIKE, 40 OF THESE.

OH, GOD.

GENERALLY, I LIKE TO STAY OUT OF OTHER PEOPLE'S BUSINESS.

BUT PAWNEE IS THE FOURTH MOST OBESE CITY IN AMERICA.

THE KIDS HERE ARE BEEFY.

THEY'RE JUST HUSKY, BIG-BONED, PLUS-SIZED CHUNK MONSTERS.

I CALL 'EM LIKE I SEE 'EM.

- LESLIE. - YEAH.

- LET'S GET SOME ALMONDS IN YOU, OKAY?

- OKAY. - CAN--