The Office

Tonight, the Scranton Business Park is having Casino Night.

And we are converting our warehouse into a full-blown gambling hall.

And I know it's illegal in Pennsylvania,

but, it's for charity.

And I consider myself a great philanderer.

It's just, nice to know at the end of the day,

I can look in the mirror and say, "Michael, because of you,"

"some little kid in the Congo has a bellyful of rice this evening."

Just...

makes you feel good.

Excuse me. How long is the wait for a table for two ?

I would never, ever serve you. Not in a million, billion years.

It's a nice tux.

I know. It belonged to my grandfather.

He was buried in it. So... family heirloom.

So, what's the deal ? We've gotta pay for our own drinks ? That's lame.

Come on, it'll be fun. And besides, I'm a roulette expert.

Impossible. Roulette is not a game of skill. It is a game of chance.

- I can always kind of win at roulette. - Oh, really ?

How would you do that ?

Mind control.

You can't be serious.

Are you serious ?

Ever since I as a little kid, like eight or nine, I could...

sort of control things with my mind.

I don't believe you. Continue.

It was just little things, you know. Like I could make something shake.

Or I could make a marble fall off the counter. You know, just little things.

That's ridiculous. You know what ?

Why don't you move that coat rack ?

Excuse me, everyone! Attention in the office, please!

Jim is about to prove his telekinetic powers.

And he needs absolute silence. Go ahead.

Okay, I'll try.

Oh, my God.

Episode 22 - Season 2 Casino night

I try not to think of it as lagging behind.

It's more of a David and Goliath thing.

Well, the fact of the matter is,

that your branch is currently number four

of the five branches that I oversee and...

- Top 80%. - Michael...

You know that I'm very serious here.

Jan, listen. I promise I will kick it up a notch.

What ?

Emeril. Oh, actually, while I have you...

Not that I have you or have ever had you.

But, we're having our Casino Night tonight,

and I think everyone would love to see their fearless leader here.

I thought that you were their fearless leader ?

I am, but your are the Eva Peron to my Cesar Chavez.

- I think you can handle it... - Oh, come on...

- probably, Michael. - Come on! It'd be fun.

I can hear it in your voice. You need a break.

Goodbye, Michael.

Jan and I understand each other.

The romance thing is sort of on hold for the time being.

But we've remained good friends. Good friends with privileges.

Not now. Someday.

Okay, everybody. Tonight's event is to benefit the Boy Scouts of America.

- Again. We do that every year. - Well, they need our money.

They don't have cookies like the Girl Scouts.

It'd be nice to do something for people who are actually suffering.

Well, Oscar, if you don't like it,

then you should concentrate on winning.

Because the person at the end of the evening with the highest chip count

will receive $500 to donate to the charity of their choice.

And, they will get a mini fridge compliments of Vance Refrigeration.

So, get your charities into Pam.

I, for example, am playing for Comic Relief.

That doesn't exist anymore.

Comedy's very much alive, as are homeless people.

No, they stopped making that show.

Well, then they need our money more than ever.

You have to pick an approved, nonprofit organization.

There's a great soup kitchen in downtown Scranton.

Delicious pea soup on Thursdays.

I'll probably give the money to them.

Something with animals.

Or people.

Kobe Bryant has a foundation and he is so hot.

And he gave his wife the biggest diamond ring.

I know he didn't do it.

Maybe he did it.

We are giving money that has been gambled.

Why don't we just deal drugs or prostitute ourselves

and donate that money to charity ?

Oh, and another fun thing.

We, at the end of the night, are going to give the check

to an actual group of Boy Scouts. Right, Toby ? We're gonna...

Actually, I didn't think it was appropriate to invite children

since it's, you know. There's gambling and alcohol.

And it's in our dangerous warehouse. And it's a school night.

And, you know, Hooters is catering. You know. Is that enough ?

Should I keep going ?

Why are you the way that you are ?

Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting,

you make it not, that way.

I hate, so much about the things that you choose to be.

Okay, you know what ? I will not donate my winnings to Comic Relief.

Since, apparently, it doesn't exist.

I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.

Who ? I think you mean the Aid to Afghanistan.

No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.

- Afghani. - What ?

- Afghani. - That's a dog.

- No, that's afghan. - That's a shawl.

- Wait, canine AIDS ? - No, humans with AIDS.

- Who has AIDS ? - Guys, the Afghanistanannis.

Okay, you know what ? No, no.

AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried.

There are certain topics that are off-limits to comedians.

JFK. AIDS. The Holocaust.

The Lincoln assassination just recently became funny.

"I need to see this play like I need a hole in the head."

And I hope to someday live in a world

where a person could tell a hilarious AIDS joke.

It's one of my dreams.

- What are you doing ? - Oh, nothing.

"Till Death Do Us Rock."

They're wedding bands.

Roy was supposed to pick the band,

but he's concentrating more on the bachelor party now.

Wait, wait, where are you going ? I mean,

even if you don't hire a band, you still have to watch the bands.

Pam, these are people who have never given up on their dreams.

I have great respect for that.

And yes, they're all probably very bad.

And that'll make me feel better about not having dreams.

- There's a KISS cover band in here. - Let's do it.

I'm pretty happy these days.

I'm getting married soon, and I'm getting along with everybody at work.

Why did I talk to Jan about transferring ?

Well, you know...

I have no future here.

I have already put down the deposit.

Do you understand how a deposit works ?

Mike, I am not having fire eaters in a paper warehouse.

It's Casino Night. Like Las Vegas.

There are fire eaters all over the place.

- Except my warehouse. - Well, actually, it's my warehouse.

Actually, it's owned by Beekman Properties

and Dunder Mifflin is four years into a seven-year lease.

Why are you here ?

When Darryl was coming, you said you wanted me here for protection.

I said, not that.

We just have a lot of stuff down there that could be stolen.

- That's ironic. - What ?

That you are afraid.

Why ? 'Cause I'm from the hood ?

Dinkin' flicka.

Dinkin' flicka.

I taught Mike some phrases to help with his interracial conversations.

You know, stuff like "fleece it out," "going mach five," "dinkin flicka."

You know, things us Negroes say.

Gimme some.

Oh, yeah. I taught him a handshake too.

I don't know how you're gonna decide. They are all extremely good.

I think I should hire them all. Do like Lollapalooza.

Have three stages. Yeah.

Your mom would love that. She would.

Now this band is called Scrantonicity.

Let's take a look.

- Nice. - Oh, wait! That's Kevin.

- On the drums. - What ?

- On the drums! On the drums! - Oh, my God! That's Kevin.

Great song, Kev.

Oh, my God. He's the drummer and the singer.

We really don't do a lot of weddings.

We actually don't play in public very often.

We're all really hoping that Pam's wedding works out.

This could be a turning point for the band.

- Oh my... - You haven't seen that since 1983.

That is amazing.

Okay, we have to sign him. I'm gonna call the label...

No, no, no! Come back.

You're gonna lose him to another wedding. Kev!

Jim is great.

Being with him just takes away all the stress of planning my wedding.

Michael, Carol Stills for you.

- Who ? - Carol Stills.

- Do I know a Carol Stills ? - Your realtor.

Oh, yeah. Put her through.

Hey, Carol, how goes the real estate biz ? Is it real good ?

Still me.

Sometimes I don't put Michael through until he's already said something.

I look at it as a practice run for him.

He usually does better on the second attempt.

Carol, you're on with Michael.

- Hello, Michael. - Hi, Carol. How you doing ?

I'm great, I just needed one last signature for your mortgage insurance.

Oh, hey. No problemo. Incidentally, I love the place.

Oh, great.

Great, had a little bit of a weird smell. It's okay.

At Christmas, the tree helped.

Oh, good. I'm glad. Can I drop it over later ?

Actually, I'm sort of hosting

this charity thing in our warehouse. Casino night.

- Oh, great. - Yeah. It'll be good.

You know what ? Why don't you come by ?