Beaver Falls

You're not alone. Whatever you think.

I like you, Rachel.

Seeing as we shared a bed for 20 years,

you're in no position to know when someone is faking it.

Barry, I'm a winner. And you are always going to be a fucking loser.

Cover Your Eyes *

Get off!

How are they still sucking face?

It's a miracle they have any lips left.

How are we the only ones not getting any action?

Cos you're the only ones perving at girls through binoculars.

Maybe you should get out there. Join in the fun.

In this weather?

Even Dante would have turned and fled from such hellish heat.

I don't get it. When they sweat, they look sexy. When we sweat...

.. we just look sweaty.

I miss A-Rab. We hardly see him any more.

He's always with Rachael.

Yeah, I know.

At least he's happy, right?

Finally.

Blissfully, sickeningly happy.

Moral guardians!

Well, that's what you're supposed to be, yet here you are sunbathing

whilst one of your kids has his fingers in the cookie jar.

There's a cookie jar?

I caught him necking.

With a girl!

Smallie, that's awful.

I'm very, very disappointed in you.

Keep an eye on your campers. That is why you're here. Remember?

And you - put some sunscreen on, for God's sakes.

Set an example.

I am wearing sunscreen. Ow!

Why didn't you tell me I was burning?

Agh!

She was all up on my shit.

And I was like, "Uh-huh. "

And she was like, "Mm-hm. "

Awesome.

I totally Flynned her.

You Donald Trump, and I'm the apprentice.

The apprentice of love.

All counsellors, emergency meeting, amphitheatre now.

Ah, yes.

Hello, stranger.

Guys, what can I say?

Best summer ever. I owe you big time.

So, you're officially over the ex?

Congratulations. And have you shagged Rachael yet?

Barry, even sad, little comments like that can't bother me today.

That's a no, then. Good. If you are planning on getting beaky,

I don't suppose you could do it before midnight, could you?

Hmm.

Oh, what? You guys have got a sweepstake going?

Who?

Just us.

And the kids.

Brandon's out already.

He had faith in your game.

Yeah, misguided faith.

I know you've got a Jesus-shaped mountain to climb to get into her pants,

but, just so you know, Rick Jnr put his money on never,

and you know how smug he'll be if he wins.

Only moments ago, I was...

.. walking along momentarily struck by how lucky we are

to be surrounded by such natural beauty -

the, er... gentle wind through the trees,

the, er... far-off call of the blue jay taking flight.

And then beneath, er... my feet...

.. this!

One prophylactic.

Discarded over there on the ground without a second thought!

Now, I get it. The heat rises. Passions get inflamed.

I'm not made of stone.

But this is unacceptable!

Although we do commend you for using contraception.

And there's no better contraception

than willpower and a sense of decency.

This is a summer camp, not some no-tell motel on Route 56!

So, get a grip and keep it zipped!

Dismissed.

Agh!

Oh, my God, Jake!

You think a lecture will stop them?

It's the hottest day of the year.

Look at them. They can barely wait to sneak off, strip off and get off.

It's in the air, Bobby.

Well, thankfully, some of us aren't slaves to our primal urges any more.

Bet that was one of ours.

Jake!

God, it's happened. Everyone's hooked up except me, even Smallie.

I've been here four weeks and haven't got off with anyone.

Except Marcy.

Aw, man, the sun's out, the girls are incredible,

and, quite frankly, I am way beyond horny.

Way, way beyond.

I'm giving Jizz a run for his money, if you know what I mean.

Nice!

Remember that conversation about information I don't need to know?

I've got that last 15 minutes of the disco thing going on, you know?

Bar's shut, lights about to come up, everyone else is copping off.

If you want some action, stop focusing all your attention

on someone who is, A, way out of your league and, B, has a boyfriend.

Right, if you want to win the World Cup,

you've got to play a few qualifiers first.

Well, yeah. Or maybe accept you're not a World Cup player.

But you can still have fun in the Sunday League.

I don't want to play Sunday League.

Agh!

So, how bad is it?

I'm not gonna lie to you, Barry. It's bad.

Oh, God.

It's absolutely imperative that you wear a T-shirt at all times.

Or what?

Or you become a laughing stock.

Oi, one of you lot. Get over here and cream me up, Scotty.

I'm gonna kill 'em.

After I've sued 'em for slander, you know, cos that is... bullshit.

You'd sue them for libel, not slander.

Slander is spoken defamation, libel is written or published.

So, if I went around saying, "Barry is a virgin," that'd be slander,

whereas if writing on my blog, "Barry is a virgin," would be libel.

"Barry is a virgin. " Slander.

"Barry is a virgin. " Libel.

Relax, it's funny. I did something similar to someone.

Yeah? You... you play?

Only cos I like torturing them.

That's the only reason to play.

I like not building them toilets so they wet themselves.

Sometimes I build a room, wait till one walks in

and then delete all the doors so they're trapped forever.

All good, sick, twisted fun.

OK, apply three times a day, stay out of the sun

and, er... try not to piss off any more fat kids, huh?

I'm sorry. I don't know what this is about.

It's OK, honey. You want me to try that thing you like?

I don't know.

No.

Come on, Flynn. It's the hottest day of the year.

Everyone's getting some.

I'm sorry. This never normally happens.

Never had... performance issues before.

Well, you picked a fine time to start.

It's not you.

It's me.

Of course it's you.

They were... running bets on us?

Yeah.

Oh, so you're cool with that?

Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?

Well, I don't know. I just... Your beliefs, and stuff.

Is that a problem for you, that I don't?

Well, no, of course not.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I'd chew my own arm off to sleep with you.

Wow. You Brits really don't get foreplay, do you?

Another new low, getting lectured on foreplay by a virgin.

Oh!

So, come on. Who bet what?

Er... Barry went for today.

And Rick Jnr went for never.

Oh, that's a shame.

He'd be unbearable if he won, wouldn't he?

I think I need to rent a water cannon. These kids!

Goddamn dogs on heat.

That used to be us out there running around.

No tops on the boys and little bras on the girls,

and that feeling that the summer was never gonna end.

You OK?

Oh. I guess I just miss it,

those days when all we had to worry about was sex and football.

Marcy!

Get the Park Springs Motel on the phone.

Tell them I want their best room.

Champagne, oysters, flowers. The works.

Bobby, all the rooms are the same -

creaky beds and wallpaper you can slash your wrists on.

Just do it. Eight o'clock tonight.

Attention, counsellors!

Due to recent events, curfew will now be moved from 10pm to 8.

Anyone out after the set time will feel the full force of my wrath.

"You mess with the bull, people, you feel the horns. "

You can just pay me now.

Come on, A-Rab. You can do it.

Maybe I should give him some coaching.

You kissed one girl and now you're the expert?

One more than you, dipshit!

For goodness' sake!

These are specified linear field of view 114/1,000,

able to detect detail of galaxies in the night sky.

What they're not for is leering at women,

like some oversexed Chihuahuas.

By the fringe of Bieber!

Houston, we have a problem.

Oh, excuse me. I'm looking for Adil Hussain.

I'm his girlfriend. Saima.

No, never heard of him.

Adil Hussain, anyone?