National Theatre Live: One Man, Two Guvnors

Cos she got the carriage that does it for me

– Pauline and Alan! – Pauline and Alan!

- Come on Charlie, give us a speech - Speech!

I don't like public speaking. I'd rather jump out of an aeroplane

Go on then

I've only ever spoken three times, formally, in public, in my life

And each time I've been banged up by the judge straight afterwards

I done me best bringing up Pauline on me own, after her mother... sorry...

Doin' well Charlie

I've had to be her dad and her mum after her mother...

It's alright dad

After her mother left me and went to live in Spain

It's a disappointment that Jean can't be here

in Brighton at her daughter's engagement party

And a shame she can't even afford a stamp for a

card neither. But I'm not going to go on about it

Alan, welcome to my family

I always wanted a son, and me and Jean had been

trying for a couple of years before she....

But a man can't whatsaname a son, not on his own, can he. Not yet anyway

I'd like to thank Alan's father, my solicitor

- Ecce homo - No Latin, please

I have enough difficulty understanding you when you're speaking English

But, seriously, without Harry, I wouldn't be here today, I'd be behind bars

Where, let's face it, by rights, I ought to be. Over to you Alan

- Pauline, I give you my hand - He wants to be an actor

Captive within my hand is a bird. This bird is my heart

Is it a real bird?

- No, it's a metaphor - Oh, lovely

I offer you the whole of my life, as your husband

I could do with a bit of this myself. Know what I mean?

I accept your bird-heart thing, and I promise to look after it properly

I got a bird in my hand an' all

That's two birds now, I'm going to have to get in a box of Trill

This bird is my heart, the only one I've ever had

Nunc est bibendum

Keep an eye on these two. They're going to try and get a room on their own

Champagne!

I think for Pauline and Alan we need a bucket of cold water

May I propose a toast. To love! In Latin...

Oh no

- Ars amandi - No, Pauline

- 'Ars amandi' is the art of love - I don't understand

This is why I love her. She is pure, innocent,

unsoiled by education, like a new bucket

– To love! – To love!

- Dolly, get the door - Book-keeper or butler? Make your mind up

And if it's carol singers, tell them to piss off. It's only April

You're Charlie's solicitor then?

Harry Dangle. Dangle, Berry and Bush. My card

- No win, same fee? - That's us

- Charlie tells me you're brilliant - Put it this way, I got the Mau Mau off

- Are you family Lloyd? - No, no

An old friend. Me and Charlie go way back. Parkhurst

Dad, me and Alan, we're going to go up to my room, to play some records

Do I look like I just came down in the last shower? No. Mingle

Man, what's going on? Last week I get this invitation to an engagement party...

- Put that away - ...of Pauline Clench and Roscoe Crabbe

Which was a shock because I always thought Roscoe was ginger

He was ginger. He was as queer as a whisky and Babycham

That was the whole point, it was going to be a marriage of convenience, wasn't it

But today and it's a different groom, man

Because Roscoe's dead. Pauline and this Alan wanted to get engaged, so I thought...

...I've paid for the sausage rolls, so why waste them?

Exactly

Man! They don't call you Charlie the Duck for nothing. Tight, man. Tight as...

Some geezer from London. Says he's Roscoe Crabbe's minder

Can't be much of a minder, Roscoe's dead

- Is he a face? Does he look handy? - To be honest, he looks a bit overweight

- Check him out Lloydie, see if he's tooled up - Charlie, I don't work for you no more

Leave it to me, boys

- More guests? - Roscoe Crabbe's minder

Oh dear. There's no peace for the wicked. Nemo malus felix

If all he wants is the cat, he can have it

But I understand there was a knife fight and Roscoe Crabbe was mortally wounded?

- No, he was killed - Good riddance

The Old Bill are looking for his twin sister, Rachel, and her boyfriend

- Because? - Revenge

The boyfriend testified against Roscoe in court. Put him away for four years

Man, it's obvious. Who is Roscoe going to get

into a fight with on his first day of freedom?

Rachel's boyfriend

- He's clean. Shall I let him in? - Yeah

- What can I do? - She's a smashing girl is Rachel

Nothing like that vicious little toerag of a brother

- It's the little guys who are the worst - You can say that again

I think Roscoe was a bit whatsaname - you know, what's

that word for someone who likes inflicting pain?

- Police officer? - No

- Sadist - That's Roscoe

Unusual for twins to have such different personalities

They was identical twins, you see, Roscoe and Rachel

They were not identical twins. Roscoe was a boy, and Rachel is a girl

- So? - Identical means identical

What I want to know is, if Roscoe's dead, what's his minder doing on my doorstep?

- Who's that? - It's the Queen

What a beautiful woman. Someone should write a song about her

This is my engagement party

Your engagement party? Phew, cos I'm glad it isn't yours...

- ...Beautiful eyes - Thank you

Don't ever wear glasses. Even if you need to, you know, for reading

I know exactly what he's after, and if carries on like this he's going to get it

- What about glasses for driving? - Are you one of them women's libbers?

- Would that be a problem? - No, I like a woman who can drive

That way I can go out, have a skinful, and get home without killing anyone

- Are you married to...? - I'm single, I'm the book-keeper here

So you're a single, working, driving, book-keeping woman? Cor!

That's my type. Do want to go to Majorca for a couple of weeks? Think about it

I got it

I like this geezer. But he can't tell his arse from a Bank Holiday

Cheddar cheese and pineapple on a stick. Who first thought of that, eh?

I'll tell you. A genius. Probably Scottish

Alright man? Do you like blues music? Robert Johnson, Muddy Waters, Leadbelly?

- No - That's a shame. What music do you like?

- Calypso - Oh dear. I cannot stand Calypso

Still, no hard feelings. I want you to know, I'm on your side in the struggle

Despite your disappointing taste in music

This man is a clown

Everybody at the circus loves the clowns

So, when you say 'this man is a clown', what you're actually saying is 'I love you'

- Are you Charlie the Duck? - No

Oh shit, have I got the wrong house? The invitation...

I'm Charlie the Duck

- You don't look like a duck - Who are you?

Good idea. Let's do the big questions. Who am I? Why am I here?

What do you want?

Is there a God? Is he loving or judgmental? Let's hope

he's loving, cos if he's judgmental, we're all in the shit

- You're Roscoe Crabbe's minder - Yes I am

And I've got an invitation to his engagement party. This party

Roscoe's dead

If Roscoe's dead, who's that sat outside in the

motor, listening to the shipping forecast?

- Oh my God, no - He's risen from the dead has he?

Yeah. It only took him two days. That's one day quicker than the previous world record

So? Can he come in? To his own engagement party?

- I guess - Good, I'll go and get him

Dad, no. Don't let him in! I love Alan, I don't love Roscoe, I never did

- You was perfectly happy with Roscoe six month back - He's missed the boat

Roscoe Crabbe can be as late as he likes. And we have an arrangement

An arranged marriage worthy of a Molière farce,

contemptible even in the seventeenth century

Yeah dad, this is the nineteenth century now

Yeah, well, what do you offer my daughter, Alan?

'I want to be an actor'. You can't get more flaky

All I offer is love. My love for your daughter

eclipses poetry. My love is ethereal, pure...

...like the kind of water you're supposed to put in a car battery

I'm glad you like her

Long time no see, Charlie

Yeah. You look well Roscoe... all things considered

This is Lloyd, good friend of mine. Dolly, my book-keeper

My solicitor, Harry Dangle. He's good

- Are you the guy who got the Mau Mau off? - It wasn't easy

- And 'course, you remember Pauline - You look fantastic Pauline

Who are you?

Whole nations will be slain before you take my love from me

- Why's he talking like an actor? - He wants to be an actor

- Oh alright. Who are you then? - I am your Nemesis

Francis! What's a Nemesis?

Don't know, guv. Definitely foreign. I think it might be a Citroën

- What's going on Charlie? - We thought you was dead

If you thought I was dead, why would you go ahead with my engagement party?

You know, I'd already paid for the sausage rolls and...

If you thought I was dead?

The word was, you were murdered. Pauline's met someone else

- Horror bollocks, over there? - Yeah

So, let's have another go. What's your name?

Alan

I have a prior arrangement with Charlie and

Pauline, Alan. It's not love, no, it can't be love

This is good news for you, Alan, because the deal guarantees Pauline...

...complete freedom in affairs of the heart, as long as she is discreet

My love for Pauline is not discreet; it shouts from

the rooftops 'Look at me, look at me, I am love!'

It shall be my son who marries Pauline. Come on Alan, we're going

- Don't leave me here Alan - Mr Charles Clench, you will be hearing from me

- I can explain Post hoc, ergo hic haec hoc

I shall return. Like a storm. And everybody will get wet

Pauline. Over here. Behave

It's 1963, Dad. You can't force me to marry a dead homosexual

- He's not dead is he? - He is a homosexual though

– We've only got his word for that –

Come back here... Give me a minute Roscoe

Hey...

Lloyd Boateng. My sister worked the bar for you at The Palm Tree

Rachel, yeah. What's she doing?

She runs this nightclub now. It's her boyfriend's. The Stiletto, Mile End

I've heard it's rough. Criminals, gangsters, Princess Margaret

- Yeah. It's our crowd - It's not my crowd man