Baby Daddy

See? I told you there was plenty of storage in the kitchen.

What about all that stuff?

You can't expect me to solve every problem this apartment faces.

Hey. Hey, have you guys seen the match to this earring?

It's really sharp, and I don't want Emma to find it.

I already checked the liquor store, the nail salon,

and the bar, so, this is the only other place I go.

Yeah, I'll check my room once Emma's up from her nap.

Hey, can you watch her tonight?

I have my first official date with Sam, and I want to remove

all evidence that what we're going to do can lead to one of her.

Remember what I always say.

Both: For the love of God,

don't be an idiot, wear a condom.

You're such good boys.

Mom, you don't have to worry, okay?

I bought a super-size box at the superstore.

There is so much safety in my room right now,

nothing bad could possibly happen.

Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.

Boop, boop, boop.

So, how's my favorite bartender?

We still on for tonight?

We could be on right now, but I'm afraid it might scare away some of the customers.

Do you have anything in particular you'd like to do?

Hmm, I'll leave it up to you,

but I was hoping we could make it... special.

Well, then you're in luck 'cause special is my specialty.

You know, I may have had my reservations,

but I think they're pretty good together.

Really? 'Cause you tried to break them up like a hundred times.

Yeah. Well, I possibly might have been wrong about her.

Hey, maybe we should share

the secret to our perfect relationship with them.

You mean the one where we were fighting for two months and we just got back together?

Yeah, that one.

- All right. So, maybe we could... - No.

- Well, can I suggest... - Not getting involved.

- Can you at least tell Ben... - No. We are minding our own business.

How about...

You know what? You can't keep doing that

every time you want to win an argument.

Even though it works.

- Ooh. I really need to get back. - Oh, yeah.

Lunch was fun, but, hopefully, we can order dessert next time,

- if you catch my drift. - Oh. Oh...

Everyone caught it, Little Miss Not-So-Subtle.

Just try not to catch anything else.

Am I right, huh?

- Good one. Come on. - Mrs. Wheeler,

Mrs. Wheeler, this is Renee.

Renee, this is the spawn of Satan.

- I'll see you tonight, all right? - Mm.

- Aw. - (Sighs)

She's cute.

What am I missing?

Renee is my dad's New York assistant, okay?

I go by the office once a month to pick up my check,

and I picked her up along the way.

Okay, so she's dating for money. Now I got it, okay.

No. But she does keep pressuring me to tell my dad that we're dating,

which I definitely do not want to do,

because I know he would not approve

of me seeing someone in his office.

I mean, mostly because he keeps saying stuff like,

"Stop hitting on the women in my office,"

or, "Get off my secretary."

- Dads. - I know, right?

Ooh, that reminds me. Your dad called me to tell me

that he's coming into town and he wants to take me out to dinner.

Clearly, not over the Bon-Bon.

Do you think that you can put in a good word about me and Renee?

I mean, maybe if he hears how happy we are

from someone who isn't me, he won't mind.

Oh, and, Mrs. Wheeler, I... uh...

I know shouldn't have to say this,

but please don't sleep with my Dad. Again.

Okay.

But only because I'm married.

Not because you asked me.

Wow, you're cleaning. You really do like Sam.

More like shoving and hiding. But, yeah, I really do.

So, you taking her to someplace fun?

Oh, you know it. She's made it pretty clear

there's only one stop on this date train... my bedroom.

So, I'm assuming we'll start out at a nice restaurant.

Someplace romantic.

I'm sorry. We are talking about Ben Wheeler, right?

We are.

I think you underestimate him.

He asked me what I wanted,

and I told him I wanted it to be special.

She really said she wanted to make it special?

Ho! You are so in!

I know, right? What else could that possibly mean?

I was so afraid she was going to make me jump through a ton of hoops.

To be honest, after all that's happened between us,

I wouldn't mind if he jumped through a couple of hoops.

Totally. I mean, they never respect you if they don't.

Well, sounds like it's going to be an amazing date.

It's going to be an amazing date.

Oh, Marshall. I just want you to know

that if I hadn't hooked up with a man

half your age with twice your stamina,

I would be all over that!

Mm! (growls)

Obviously, I'm flattered.

But your relationship with Brad

is actually the reason I wanted to talk to you.

You see, I've met my very own Brad.

Oh, for the love of men instead of women, you're gay too?

No. I'm in love with a younger woman.

Oh, she works in my New York office, but we speak every day.

Mostly about paperwork.

Though I've come to suspect she feels as

strongly about me as she does the paperwork.

Ooh! Slow down, cowboy.

So, why don't you just ask her out?

Oh, Bonnie, she's a lot younger.

Aren't you worried about what people say?

Brad is literally the greatest thing that ever happened to me,

and that includes at least one of my kids.

Marshall, life is short. Lock that down before he realizes how hot he is

and that he can get someone his own age.

Before she.

Before she realizes it.

You know, you make an excellent argument.

I will, as they say,

go for it with Renee.

Wait. Renee?

From work?

The girl that you like is... is Renee?

From your office?

Thank you for summing that up so succinctly. Yes.

Wow. Marshall, I am so happy for you.

I am just gonna go... (mumbles)

Tucker!

- Oh, my... - (Renee shrieks)

Mrs. Wheeler, what are you doing?

Hey, Tucker, can I talk to you for a second?

Oh. FYI, Renee. There's a fire escape right out that window.

What is wrong with you, woman?

I thought you might like to know

that your father has a new lady in his life.

- My dad has a girlfriend? - Sort of.

She works in his New York office.

Guess what her name is?

- Renee? - Bingo!

Oh, thank God, it's not Renee.

Oh, hey, Ben.

Wait. Aren't you supposed to be on a date with Sam?

Honestly, it ended before it started.

Ben: I got all dressed up.

I was wearing that new Henley, you know, 'cause it makes me look like I have pecs.

Hi, Sam.

Ben: And being a gentleman, I gave her a huge compliment.

You look hot!

Thanks.

I'm so excited for our special night.

Me too. I wouldn't let milady starve,

so, I prepared a fine selection of hors d'oeuvres.

Champagne?

Hmm. And a condom!

Ah! Emma found my stash

and she's been hiding them all over the house. Okay.

And she was gone.

Sam. Hey, I got your 9-1-1. What's wrong?

Wait. Aren't you supposed to be on your date with Ben right now?

Yeah. It pretty much ended before it started.

Hey, Sam. You look hot.

Sam: So Ben looks like he hasn't showered

in three days and smells like dead yak.

You ready for our special night?

I'm ready. Why aren't you dressed yet?

You mean, why aren't I undressed yet?

I thought we were going out?

Why go out when everything we need is right here?

I'm actually a little hungry.

Oh, don't worry.

There's some chips next to this bowl of condoms.

And that's when I got the hell out of there.

The worst part is, I don't think he even knows what he did wrong.

I honestly have no idea what I did wrong.

Oh, hey.

Did you hear about Ben and Sam?

Yeah. It's so sad. He really likes her.

None of this would've happened if we had just given them some advice.

But we agreed, we're not getting involved, right?

Right.

Ben can figure it out on his own, can't he?

Oh, totally.

And I mean, Sam's going to figure it out too.

- Isn't she? - Of course.

Um, you know, hey, I forgot to tell Ben something.

- I'll just be a second. - Yeah, no worries.

Take your time, honey.

Sam, hey.

Uh, I was wondering if you wanted to meet tomorrow morning.

I'd love to "Ben" your ear about something.

Oh, uh... about Ben.