Survivor's Remorse

You do not have my permission to die.

- Your brother has perished. - Julius is dead?

My Uncle Julius was there always.

- Are you gonna do something? - Oh, I'll do something.

- I'm gonna fuck up... Oh, my God!

I am not gonna press charges.

This is not up to you, Mr. Calloway.

The people will forgo prosecution.

I'd insist on therapy and community service for Mary Charles.

There was a dashboard video from the truck.

Your uncle ran the red light.

The accident was Julius' fault.

- Hey, Reggie. It's Tom Werner. - Hey, Tom.

- What do you know about hockey? - Nothing.

Listen, I'm coming down to Atlanta next week.

I think we should talk about getting into business together.

"With sympathy from Richard and Dihane Freeman."

Atlanta philanthropists whose names are on every museum in town.

Oh, yeah!

Nice job, baby!

Ho! Hoo!

- That was something! - Thank you.

- That's what I'm talking about. - Thank you, thank you.

Beautiful!

Where did you learn to shoot like that?

The playground.

Where he also learned facetiousness.

Hey, everybody, this Yankee over here got skills.

- Yeah. -

Here we go.

What kind of people invite you shooting in a condolence letter?

Rich people with shotguns.

I thought I was coming here to watch y'all hunt some bears or something,

not chase after some fucking farm pigeons in the mud.

Hey, listen, these Freeman folks, they got to be important.

They got seven black people holding rifles

and I ain't seen one guy in an ATF jacket.

Inviting people hunting is how some folks make friends down here.

Stop acting like you knew that before they invited you.

Southerners hear about a death in the family,

they extend their hands.

And their long-barreled weapons.

When in Rome, do as the Romans do.

When in Georgia, kill birds.

- Duck, please. - Where?

No, as in your head.

I do not wish to Dick Cheney you.

- -

Almost touched up your fade.

You killed that bird like it owed you money.

US Treasury bills which are worthless.

Richard first took me here when we marched

on Washington protesting the Vietnam War.

It's amazing how gripping a shotgun

can help you cope with your anger in a chaotic world.

Oh, I'm quitting therapy and just doing this.

Ain't no amount of cognitive insight helpful as pulling a trigger.

If I shoot in the ground, will I strike oil?

No, but you won't be the first person losing a foot trying.

Make sure I'm far away when you try that.

Hey, this family can't afford any ricochets.

You know, for hundreds of years, a black man

couldn't even own a gun in the South.

That was then, but this is now.

Oh, here we go. -

- Dead bird dropping. -

Oh!

- Hey, what are you doing? - Finishing the kill.

When you really get them spinning, they whistle.

Oh, yeah.

Thank you so much for having us.

Oh, you're very welcome.

Well, well, well, Mr. Vaughn.

I think that went well, well, well.

Yeah. I would have to agree.

You were like Bradley Cooper out there.

You think? In the flick where he played

the dude who won the war for America?

- The sniper one? - Yeah, no, no, he didn't win that war.

That war is still... regardless, great shooting.

- Who knew? - It's basically just Call of Duty

except the birds are helpless and they can't shoot back.

We're gonna be tight with the Freemans now, Reggie.

Well, that's a good thing

because Tom Werner called me.

Hockey deal fell apart. Fucking Canadian people.

Much more devious than anyone thinks.

I mean, they will stab you in the fucking back.

Okay, so the rich white guy let you down, but the rich black guy will not.

For the first time, I'm excited about Atlanta.

Because this Atlanta, the Freemans' Atlanta, is an octopus.

It's got its tentacles in publishing, finance, real estate.

The Freemans' Atlanta is octopus Atlanta.

The foundation Cam wants to start

might have just bagged its first whale.

So wait, is it a whale or is it an octopus?

I just had a small climax just saying that.

Well, I got some wet wipes in my glove box.

I'm just saying that.

So, we've got honey roasted pheasant,

pheasant in orange sauce, pheasant hash,

and Mother Hubbard's White Lightning.

- What's in that? - Pheasant.

They've been hung at 50 degrees for three days

for best taste and texture, then plucked, gutted, and prepared.

Bridget, can I just get some chicken, please?

Oh, sure, much more humane.

It's not like a chicken is raised in a river

of its own filth, then hung upside down by shackles

connected by a rail that conveys it to a kill machine

where a blade cuts its throat and it bleeds to death.

And bon appétit, everybody.

I don't understand how it can be enjoyable to take life.

That's because in your line of work, you save life.

But you in a bubble, so it's hard for you to see points of view.

Actually, she's an MRI tech, so technically she scans life.

Well, I ain't in that bubble and I don't understand hunting either.

- Or fishing, as a matter of fact. - Fish don't feel no pain.

How do you know? Are you a fish that has a hook in its mouth?

They don't cry or whimper or scream and shit.

They might. I mean, underneath water is muffled. You can't hear it.

No, I saw a TV show. Their brains are too small for pain.

If their brains are so small, then how come those TV fishermen

need to have machines to help them find the fish?

So you don't fish, but you watch fishing shows?

No, I flip through on the way to something that ain't about death.

Good for you, Mr. Sport Fisherman.

You outsmarted an animal with the brain

- the size of a marble. - Nobody fished here.

You know, people don't like fish

because they can't see the humanity in its face.

In fact, it's impossible for you to see a fish's whole face at once.

- This is true. - May I go?

Oh, yes, Bridget. Thank you.

Hunting, fishing, all they tell me

is humanity hasn't progressed in 60,000 years, which is sad.

I hate to contradict, but cavemen were stumbling around

eating bark and bushes until they figured out how to kill shit.

Cavemen didn't kill for sport. They honored the animals.

Native Americans thanked the buffalo for giving them life.

Yeah, then they put hot sauce on that shit and ate it.

Part of our job in the 70 or 80 years that we're given

is to nudge the boulder of human evolution a few inches up the hill.

- Up what hill? Where? - No, no, Ma.

This is her TED Talk. Go ahead, Allison.

We do this by making ethical choices.

We're kind to strangers.

We're fair in our minds. We say please and thank you.

We don't kill things that aren't trying to kill us.

You know, this is a good topic for my podcast.

Julius and I were gonna do a podcast,

but I'm gonna do it in his memory.

I... I purchased all the equipment.

You need to come on and talk about this.

She just talked about it and, trust me,

more people are listening now.

This is gonna be big, you watch.

My eyes are peeled.

What'd you say in your thank-you note to the Freemans?

- What thank-you note? - The thank-you note...

You didn't write the Freemans a thank-you note?

No, all I did was... was thank him.

I hugged him thank you in the field,

and then dapped him thank you at the lodge,

and then I pounded him thank you in the parking lot.

The man was... was thanked. It was a thorough thanking.

You don't know what you're talking about.

Yes, and he said, "You're welcome."

Then he said, "The pleasure's all mine."

Then he said, "Don't mention it."

I thank him again, he's liable to shoot me.

We didn't send a thank-you note.

shocking.

I ain't worried about you.

When I bought you that stationery...

I said thank you, yeah, and you were satisfied.

I didn't have to write a thank-you

- And that upset me. - Then why didn't you tell me that then?

Because last Christmas you gave me the photo

of the cat that said, "Don't sweat the small stuff."

Right, so don't sweat the small stuff.

- This isn't small stuff. - Then you write the thank-you note.

You're closer by blood to the deceased.

Wait, there are rules to this?

The white people who wrote etiquette books

had a great deal of time on their hands.

And blood, but at least they were polite.

What did you think the stationery was for?

For my birthday.

Write the note.

If it'll shut her up, I'll write the damn note.

I love it when couples fight and I'm not in the couple.

I'm glad that you've decided to start attending

your therapy sessions, Mary Charles.

They have a much better chance of working when you're here.

Well, I want to feel better.

Also, it was either this or prison.

That pisses me off, but...

Well, tell me some of the things that piss you off.

Oh, we only have 50 minutes, right?