Lessons in Love

Women of a certain age trying to stay attractive to their partner...

are advised not to look down when they are on top.

I read these things somewhere and they get stuck in my head.

Just like:

86 per cent of the Dutch population...

feels embarrassed watching a sex scene in a film.

Why do I always remember...

Sorry. - such useless information...

while I can't come up with a way to keep my marriage interesting?

Another fact:

The males of most species do not mate more than once with the same female.

Because genetically that's completely pointless.

Kasper and I have already done it at least 1445 times.

What does that say about us?

Can we still look each other in the eye...

and say that we're happy?

Give it to me.

You've had your turn.

Let go of my bean bag. Twit. Let go.

Dumbo. - Boys. My file.

I want peanut butter. - No, that sticks in your gut.

Get off your brother's bean bag.

How on earth did you manage to do that? What did you do to it?

Nothing. Just used it to make calls.

Okay, I may have left it outside last night.

Mom.

Good morning, Nes. - Morning.

Nes, we need to leave at five.

We'll take the boys to hockey. You pick them up.

On Monday? - It's in the diary.

Sas has a dental appointment.

Why doesn't anyone bring back their cup from school?

Sas, you have to go.

Sas? - Dad.

Bye, honey. Be careful.

Kas, you answer that.

Boys, hurry up. Daddy's waiting.

Answer it. - Where is it?

Boys, where's the phone?

I can't find it.

Huh? Where...

How hard can it be?

Keep your hands off my bean bag.

Alright.

Off to school.

Mom, I'll look stupid.

You should have looked after your cup then.

Come on.

Bye, hon.

Bye.

Bye bye, sweeties.

Good morning. - Morning.

God, this is impossible.

Let me help.

Hey, smoking kills.

I hardly smoke, so I'll only die a little bit.

You alright?

At 9 you have a meeting about the Good Food deal.

If you take your 10.15-10.25 phone conference in your car...

you should make it to the tour at Flora-NL in time.

Which starts at? - 10.30 in Almere.

Sharp. The Chinese are very punctual.

Lunch at Sampang at 2.

Followed by a 5 o'clock staff meeting in the office.

We need your input and this was your only free time slot.

So I planned it in.

And then you need to come and sign some contracts.

Where do I need to go? - Sampang, I told you.

And a staff meeting in the office at 5.

I tried to reschedule... - I understand. Five o'clock.

No problem. I'll be there.

Come on.

Grammy. - Come on, walk now.

Kasper is going to be held up.

Hi, Mom. - Hi. Hey.

And you had time to fill in? - Well, no.

I had my annual back-to-basics walk.

I sacrificed myself to stop things from falling apart here.

That's good of you, Mom. Don't you think that's sweet, boys?

Where are you going?

Mom. Not inside.

KookSoof catering service. Nes speaking.

Mom, can we have a snack? - Ask your grandma.

She's busy. - What do you mean?

What?

Do you mean to say that you did not ask for an advance?

So that dickhead just cancelled?

O Soof, how could you?

Finances are not my thing.

Well, we can always freeze it...

So you're saying you're not breaking even?

Well, no. Not yet. It still needs to take off.

But you're not getting there now. Despite all the work you put into it.

Then you should quit.

Just do the math.

This is good.

And if you stayed home more?

That would be lovely. But someone has to pay the mortgage.

A hundred years ago, Kas and I'd often see the sun rise together.

Of course we'd feel hung over, but we didn't care.

I don't quite know when we stopped having fun.

It's probably to do with the kids. They always get the blame.

Fortunately, one develops hobbies.

It hardly compensates.

But at least it's something.

So much for a grand and glorious life.

But it could have been worse. And that's a comfort.

Jesus.

Bye.

Can you hold back the next course? - Of course.

Shall I do it now? - I suppose.

Instead of between the main and dessert?

No, I think you should do it now.

Did you enjoy it?

Thank you.

Didn't we go to school together?

I'm going out for a smoke.

It should've been black. Would've been more credible.

Sorry, what? - Well, in terms of size...

Two frogs are walking in the woods.

And one says: - Good of you to come, Gerrit.

You just need to bring this next door.

What did you discuss with Jim Cole? - Who?

Come on, Soof. You know who he is.

Of course I do. He's that choreographer from TV.

Was that Jim Cole?

Funny. On TV he seems a lot more... - Sexy.

Do you think?

What the...

Kasper speaking.

Oh? No, I don't know.

That depends. I'm not home right now.

Hey, hi. - Hi.

Wasn't that Sas's dance teacher? - Really?

I thought it was some politician.

Sorry, I have to take this. Kasper Hansen speaking.

What is the matter with me? - I have to check.

I'm not home, like I said. - You push the trolley.

I'll check it for you.

It sounds like a skeleton in the closet and a reason to withdraw.

Yes.

Yes, I'm on it.

Mom. - Oh, boys.

How did you do that?

Wait.

Kas, Kas.

KookSoof catering service. Soof speaking.

Listen to me. Mind your head.

And you come out as well. Now.

Dad. - Yes?

Can you take over? I have to...

You stop that. Get off there. For God's sake.

Bloody hell. Look at me. I've had it with you.

Stand here and not a word.

For how many people? - 75.

75? - Yes.

How will you manage?

If I can cook for 10 people, I can cook for 75.

And if everyone helps out at home... Guys. Come on.

Okay, fine. Thanks a lot.

Hi, Mom.

Gerrit, find a place for that freezer. - What's all this?

Wait. - Calm down, boys.

Something smells in here.

Sorry, Mom. - Ouch.

You're squashing me.

Careful. Hot.

Open the door, will you?

Mom?

Mom? - What?

When are we having dinner? - Ask your grandma.

Grammy's asleep.

There you go, my little monkeys.

Grammy. - Mom, Grammy stole our dinner.

What am I looking for? - They're wispy green things.

This? - Yes, that's alfalfa.

Just taste it, so you won't forget.

Yuck. Like eating pubic hair.

I know a joke about pubic hair.

Mom, what's a bongo? - A type of African drum.

We have to bring one to school tomorrow.

Where's Grammy? - Out here having a smoke.

Can you send Sascha out? - Sas.

Come on, put it in a bowl.

How can you promise to bring a bongo if we don't have one?

Where's the couch? - Sas.

Bring your Madagascar zebra. That's from Africa.

How can we watch TV without a couch? - You're not supposed to watch TV.

Give me that. Go and do something sociable.

Come on, Sas. Grammy will take you. Dad will pick you up.

Bye.

Hi, honey. It's me. I won't be able to make it.

So what time will you be home? - I don't know. Late.

God, I thought you said you'd help out.

I've got to go.

Bye.

Bye. - Bye.

Guys, I'm out of here.

Can you sign this? It needs to go tonight.

I would like to... - Hang on.